No Wisdom Here...

Yep...it's definitely anger

2009-11-14T00:27:00.004-07:00

Hello my few faithful readers, I hope you are all well and NOT suffering from any flu so serious that it takes your life or the life of those around you. I heard last week that a man my age and someone I went to High School with, just passed away from the H1N1 virus. So sad. I don't have the flu. Instead I believe I have a case of Laryngitis. My upper airway is on fire and I have completely lost my voice. Some people are enjoying my silence!! HAHA.

Anyway, I am writing with an update to my last post. Since writing it, I opened up to the women I have a book study with about the trauma I am dealing with and the anger and the hurt and the demonic visits (night terrors) I was experiencing. I say "demonic visits" because one of the ladies prayed and felt that it was not my brain experiencing these things but an actual demon terrorizing me. That didn't help my sleep. The night I wrote my last entry was the night I opened up to the women in my group. Unfortunately, the demonic activity increased THAT night until Sunday when our church had two guest speakers. Their names are Mac and Louise. They have worked with Jackie Pullenger in Hong Kong and own no home. They just travel from here to Kelowna to Hong Kong and all over. So they were at our church speaking. When they were done they began to pray and minister to our congregation. Louise zeroed in on me. Damien felt during the service that I should tell Mac and Louise about my trauma afterwards but I was unsure because I've opened myself up before (at Entheos healing retreat through Ellel ministries) and was very disappointed at the lack of prayer for it. But the more I thought of it, the more I felt that I should...only because I was desperate for prayer from the night terrors and to explain the reason behind them, I had to explain what happened to me.
ANYWAY, Louise came up to me (my head was in my hands already...feeling the spirit all over the room) and before she even touched me she said, "WOW. I can tell that you are a very amazing person." Which made me sob. She touched my shoulder and said, "Erin, I feel that MANY people have taken advantage of you." Loud sobbing. "Wow, it's been hard and painful hasn't it?" Nodding and crying harder. She allowed me to cry and prayed that Jesus' spirit would come and wrap himself around me and hide me. I was aware of just me, Louise and Jesus. Louise said to me, "Erin Jesus wants you to know that he is right here. He's RIGHT here." And I cried harder, knowing that it was true because I felt him. She said to just let him hold me and allow him to heal my pain at that moment. I don't think she said anything for a while but I do remember God saying that he KNEW my pain and what I was going through and that he was going to stay close to me and be with me. After some time, Louise said that she sensed some father wounds. I nodded. She then said that after seeing me with Endon during the worship, she felt that Endon was going to heal those wounds my father gave me. She said that he was still too small to really heal them yet but that God was already beginning to heal me using Endon. I cried hard all over again because Endon and I have a super special bond after his ordeal last December. Louise kept repeating how amazing I was and shaking her head. I don't know how I knew this because I was just sobbing into my hands. When I felt that my aching had subsided I looked up to see that I was surrounded by all my male friends in the church! There was a semi-Circle around me that included Damien and they were all praying with Louise for me. I felt that I needed to share my story with her but I was nervous because of all the men surrounding me. None of them knew anything. I began, and as I progressed, one of my friends, Andrew, began shaking and crying. I was too nervous to see what the rest were doing. I then told her about my night terrors and how they were getting worse. She told me that because we were so close to Halloween, the spiritual activity was really prevalent. She prayed a rather quick prayer over me and then said she had to go but that it was then up to Damien as the head of the household to pray over his wife for as long as it takes. But before she left she got my phone number and told me she was going to call me the next day to check up on me.
As promised I got a call from Louise the next day and I happily reported no night terror the night before. In my mind though I didn't think it would last because I didn't get them every day anyway. And so that night Damien prayed over me and I prayed over myself just to be safe and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning having had no night terror. As of now, November 14th, I have not had a single night terror. I am so thankful to God because now that this annoyance is out of the way, I can focus on proper healing.

I find it amazing how when we are dealing with something at the present time, God brings people, situations and random things into your life exactly when you need it. Damien and I go to our church every Tuesday evening for a class based on the YWAM (Youth with a mission) DTS course called "Quest". For the past few weeks it's been dealing with forgiveness and different things surrounding "cataracts" and other things that keep us from seeing the Kingdom properly and also God Himself. Two weeks ago I acknowledged that I have not truly forgiven my brother-in-law for what was done to me. I admitted (without going into any detail) that I was severely angry and still dealing with that anger. Last week we discussed wounds that our fathers have caused that may make us look at God in a certain way. I again admitted my anger and unforgiveness but we left it at that because it was too much for me to get into. All this to say, I have been feeling like God is really wanting me to deal with this anger as soon as possible. I know I can't truly forgive my brother-in-law until I deal with the anger aspect. I even had a dream this afternoon of my sister (go figure) and her husband was there. I picked up a bunch of rather large rocks and threw them at him and called my sister names I will not repeat here. On one hand I see that my anger is not good but on the other hand, finally admitting it has helped me come to grips with the anger and has motivated me to rid myself of it. And I love how God KNOWS me! He knows what I am going through! I met again with the ladies for our book study and one of them pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me, explaining that she had a word for each of us. I read it, and it blew my mind. This is what it said,

"Erin, strength, courage, boldness does not come without a price. You may be mocked and you may be slandered, but know that I am with you and you are walking in My will, doing what I ask, no matter the cost. Whether you be rejected, I will be with you; they will be rejecting Me too. So come to Me to receive the acceptance and healing you need. It's OKAY to be angry, but do not sin in your anger for the enemy will try to get a foothold in your life with it. Take your anger to Me and I will give you peace beyond your circumstances. Bless those who curse you. Do good to those who hurt you. Shine my light above your circumstances. Not in your strength, but in MINE."

I was speechless. I am meditating on these words and I am slowly coming to a place where I am ready to take this head on, unwavering and firm. It's time and I am almost ready. I want to be free of this trauma and all it's stages before I die or before Christ comes back. I don't want to sin, and I don't want to be angry. That's all there is to it. If I ever have a hope of being like Jesus or even like Brother Lawrence, I have to rid myself of anything that does not glorify God. Anger to the point of sin is definitely one of those things that need to go.

And so, with all this revelation and the knowledge that I am not alone...I am trudging into territory I've never been. It's the territory of standing up for myself and letting the anger goooooooo. Like actually letting it OUT of me. I believe it will feel good. And I know the process will be painful but I also believe that I will overcome it. In fact, I know I will.

So with no voice I leave it at that. My next post will be regarding my recent week long trip to Montreal! Ohhh I am so excited to share it with you!

Love always, Erin B.

The Boogieman or something like it

2009-10-15T00:30:00.006-07:00

I'm not going to fool around tonight. I'm just going to get to the point. I know what I need to do be doing; I'm on the way there, but I'd like to share my night time terror with you. I am not sleeping at the moment (obviously) because I am scared.

Most of you who read my blog know that my sister and I are estranged. The details are unimportant but the events surrounding this seperation have deeply wounded me and unfortunately have also traumatized me. I've been told recently by a counsellor friend that I most likely have "Post traumatic Stress Disorder". The definition is: "A normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma (a painful, shocking, experience such as rape, war, natural disaster) that is outside of a person's normal life experiences." The common symptoms include:
-Anxiety (check)
-Insomnia (check)
-Irritability
-Feeling numb (I was there at the beginning of my trauma)
-Survivor guilt (or just...guilt? Check)
-Nightmares/Night terrors (HUGE CHECK AND TONIGHT'S TOPIC)
-Restlessness
-Fear that "something bad will happen" (Check and also related to night terrors)
-Avoiding anything that reminds the person of the incident
-Recurrent memories/Flashbacks of the trauma (CHECK)
-Difficulty concentrating or focusing
-Feeling "on guard" all the time (Check)
-Lack of interest in friends and/or family
-Jumpiness - especially around loud or sudden noises
-Suicidal Thoughts (WAS there...not there anymore thank GOD)
-Blames themselves (Check...but I am working on it)
-May suffer from Depression (Check...but that's being dealt with)
-Feeling as though they are "going crazy" (Check, and also related to night terrors)
-Difficulty sleeping (YA' THINK?!?!?)

Post traumatic Stress Disorder also comes in stages and it is said that the person suffering from it can revert or go forward many times.
-Denial that the incident had any effect on their lives.
-Fear it will happen again (for me it did...so...double whammy)
-Feel sad because of a loss of their ability to trust in people, or places. (Sad would be an understatement)
-Anger at what happened (That's where I am at right now...)
-Anxiety over the nightmares or flashbacks that may intrude on the life of the person.
-Feel as if a part of themselves died during the traumatic event. ("Died" is also an understatement).

So now you know a bit about where I am coming from when I write from my inner emotions and fear. ONE of my biggest struggles is that I am having what you would call a "Night Terror", which is different from a Nightmare in that a night terror happens when you are in Deep sleep and you are awoken to the event and a nightmare, like all other dreams, happen during REM sleep when it's easiest to be woken up. You get your rejuvinating rest when you are in Deep sleep. So you can imagine why the nights I DO experience a Night terror, are the nights I don't get much proper rest.
This is how it's been going, not since the Trauma itself happened, but when the fallout with my sister took place. Odd huh? Up until I dealt with my sister, I was in complete denial and only when I started talking about what happened, did I begin to go through these different stages and feel things I didn't feel before.
So a typical night where I have these horrible experiences begins with me (obviously) going to sleep at night. From my perspective, I "wake-up" and see a completely black shadow...or sillouette of a man standing at the foot of the bed on MY side holding a knife in the air ready to drive it into my body and kill me. I usually scream, grab my blankets and cover my face and cry out for Damien like my life depends on it. And usually in my mind, it does. When Damien wakes up to see what is wrong I fully wake-up and realize there is NOTHING THERE. I see that there is no danger and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I immedietly go back to sleep as though Damien is the crazy one. Other nights I wake up thinking that Damien is about to fall off the bed so I will frantically grab at him and try to save him when the whole time he is innocently sleeping next to me without a clue as to WHY I am clawing at his poor body!! This also happened when the kids were REALLY small babies. Sometimes I would put them to sleep in the middle of our bed and in the middle of the night I'd think that they were on the edge of Damien's side of the bed when either they are in the middle sound asleep or in their own bed.
I used to only get them a couple times a month, these night terrors. But recently since the anniversary of me "losing" my sister is upon me, I've been getting them about 3 times a week. That's 3 times a week I am losing some serious deep sleep.
From the outside person, to see me have a night terror, it would probably look just like it does in the movies. I sit bolt upright, probably with my eyes closed, scream, grab my blankets and hide, wake myself up from the screaming and immedietly fall back asleep. All within less than a minute and MAYBE in less than 30 seconds. I imagine it would look pretty funny actually...but it scares the junk out of me.
I have nightmares and flashbacks but they don't seem as real to me as night terrors do. When I wake up from a nightmare, I KNOW it was just a dream. When I have a flashback, I KNOW I will come out of it eventually, but for some reason when I have a night terror, I fully believe that what is happening to me is real and I have no concept during those few seconds where I think I will "come out of it". I guess that's what makes it so scary. I avoid sleep because a part of me is scared that I am seeing a Demon at the foot of my bed. That possibility is enough to make me not want to sleep.
I think the root has to do with control. I hate going into an unconcious state knowing that I can't CONTROL whether I wake up and see anything or have a great night's sleep. I hate that I can't control my emotions or control screams from escaping me when I am not even fully awake. I hate that I couldn't control what happened to me...or that I THINK I COULD have controled it or changed it and didn't. Yup...that's it. (sorry, I'm having an emotional epiphany here). I am also so incredibly angry. I am SO ANGRY. I am constantly burning with anger. And I get even more angry when I have no outlet. It saddens me when I end up exploding and the kids get hit with the shrapnel from my emotions. I have yet to deal with this aspect of my pain because I've been denying it's source for so long. I plan to deal with this via a Trauma Counsellor.
I also mentioned that "'Died' in an understatement". I can't emphasize how true this is. I was completely shattered. My spirit was ripped, my heart was ripped, my whole body, inside and out was ripped to bits...at least that's how it felt. I never felt that what happened to me would never affect me ever...I knew right away that my entire life would never be the same. It's obvious that I haven't healed. I've come a long way but I also know I have a long way to go. I felt so completely worthless that death, at the time, was welcomed. I wanted nothing more than to be offed somehow. I didn't want to pick up any pieces, I just wanted to die. I don't want to die anymore but I feel so angry that I am the one left to do the work of putting myself back together. I KNOW I have Jesus and he is helping me so much. I wouldn't be here without him. I just feel the weight of the work I have to do to keep myself from really going insane. It appalls me that what happened to me, happens to so many. We're all so completely broken and wandering through our lives just WAITING for the pain to stop. The only hope I have is in knowing Jesus, and knowing that one day it will. It just sucks that it has to take so long. My wounds haven't even scarred over yet. They still gush blood with every nightmare, flashback, memory and night terror. I know worse things have happened to people...but...some things are more emotionally destructive and others are more physically. I feel as though I am being held together by masking tape. It's not strong like stitches or actual skin growing over the wound.

Oh man you guys I am a complete mess. It's too deep to even continue talking further. I'm just going to end up going in circles. The truth and my hope, is just Jesus. He is slowly walking me through the pain and helping me come out the other side. He is dealing with my mess and giving me everything I need whether I think I need it or not. He is the one faithful one through the entire thing. He was there before, during and after...and he is still here. He hasn't run away and for that...I would gladly give my life for him.

With that hope in me I am going to try and attempt to sleep and not wake up to anything terrifying (unless it's an angel...that may be cool once I change my underwear).
Goodnight my friends.
-Erin

Lately...

2009-07-16T11:03:00.004-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I've been really stressed, busy and tired and going through too much at one time.

First, I auditioned for the 3rd and 4th installment of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I am a huge Twilight fan. I haven't heard back so I am assuming I didn't get the part but it was fun just to try. I might do it again in the future if an opportunity ever presents itself. For now though I will just focus on my family and the changes that seem to be coming our way as of late.

A couple weeks ago I missed my period and I started getting nauseous. Damien was really sick too so I thought it was that. I had a feeling though that I was pregnant. Every time I am pregnant, without fail, a spot on my left upper thigh goes completely numb and I get bad sciatic nerve pain. I felt this and then I knew for sure. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative. I figured I should wait until the next morning's urine to make sure. Morning came, I took another test and it was also negative. I was still queasy and I still hadn't gotten my period. I took five tests before I gave up and decided I would just go to the doctor. A week after I was supposed to get my period in the first place, I was getting ready to go to my father-in-law's birthday when I began to bleed and get strong abdominal pain. I knew it was coming. If I had all the signs of pregnancy and yet every test was negative I had a feeling that the pregnancy hormones weren't strong enough to show up and I had already prepared myself for the likelyhood of losing whatever was there. Sure enough, I bled. And I bled and bled. Not enough (apparantly) to warrant a trip to the hospital but enough that I knew it was not just a regular period. I was sad and still shocked despite that I knew it might happen. I was waiting to hear back from the audition and what if I had gotten a call back but I was pregnant? I would have had to turn it down, but on the other hand, what if I didn't get a call back and I had another baby?? I was kind of excited at the thought.

But as I sit here currently, I have no baby on the way and no part in a really cool film. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be though. I know that God has bigger and better plans and I fully trust him. I have two babies that keep me busy as it is, and now that some other things have come to light (I will explain in a minute) I am happy that everything has turned out the way it has.

Before I get into what's been going on in the last few days, I just want to mention that Athaliah FINALLY had her eye surgery to unblock her tear duct. For the first time ever in her whole existance she wakes up without it being stuck together and full of puss. The doctor said it was not only blocked in many places but that it hadn't even developed properly to begin with so there was never any hope of it unblocking anyway without surgical intervention. She did really well. She fell asleep with me holding her and telling her how much I loved her. They put an orange creamsical flavored mask over her face. They also prepared me for how she would look once she was asleep. They told me her eyes may roll back and look kinda scary and that I shouldn't go in unless I could handle that since they've had a few parents faint at the sight of their child going limp. Unfortunately I already know what this looks like, because Endon's eyes rolled back into his head and he went limp in my arms back in December. Only that time it was a dire emergency, and I knew that Athaliah was alright. She actually closed her eyes so I didn't see any eyeball rolling, which I was thankful for anyway. I didn't want to leave at first because I didn't believe she was actually out. I kept asking, "You're sure she's asleep? You're sure??" Only because I was afraid she wasn't asleep and they'd stick that probe in her eye and she'd remember everything. It was alright. It took less than 30 minutes and she woke up and ate popsicles, watched a DVD and then we were sent home. She was back to her old self again by the end of the evening. She's been doing great ever since. She has a big bruise under her eye because of how much the doctor had to probe her eye and nose, but she's healing so well. I am so proud of her.

And now to the more serious stuff. I still want to be a nurse, and I still want to go to Africa. I have no clue when this is going to happen but I am sure it will, whenever God wants to make that happen for us. We haven't been given the green light for this because Damien was never with me on it. Before we can go anywhere and do anything, we both have to be on board. I came to realize that unless Damien feels the pull to go somewhere first, then I am not going anywhere anytime soon. But God knows so much better than I do!! He is so faithful and so...COOL. Lately, Damien has been thinking about the Reserve in Oka, Quebec, where all of my mom's family lives. He hasn't been able to get it out of his head. That's odd for him. One night he couldn't even sleep, he was thinking about it so much. He was told by the pastor out there that he was exactly what they needed out on the reserve. His passion; his ability to mingle with the culture; his amazing speaking talents...

It stuck with him and his thoughts on it are getting stronger. The thing that I find so funny is that Damien always said he would never want to move out there. Ever. And all of a sudden he's been struck with this pull to go there and work in the church. He has a bunch of ideas coming out of nowhere (well not nowhere, probably from God) and I couldn't be more happy. I think it's funny how God usually sends us to places we don't want to go because it's way out of our comfort zones and it means we may need to rely on...GOD?!?!? WOW! Imagine that. ANYONE REMEMBER JONAH AND NINIVAH??? Yeah, I prove my point.

So we both feel restless. We need change. It's not permanent, and if we feel that we need to go in that direction we will take a year to fully prepare. My mom moved out there and learned the hard way. She rushed into it and is paying the concequences. Even though she was meant to be out there, she didn't prepare and now she is unhappy and slowly getting out of the mess she got herself into. First, I would have to learn French. Quebec law is that you cannot work anywhere without knowing English AND French. This is where my mom went wrong. She didn't know this and she can't get a job in the city or anywhere outside of the Reservation. Damien knows enough French already but I don't. Also, in Quebec, they bring their large appliances wherever they move. I've never heard of that until my mom moved there. I know it's not unusual for people to take their washer and dryer wherever they go but I've never heard of lugging around your stove, fridge and sometimes dishwasher along with your washer and dryer. What an annoyance! So we'd have to save up for those inconvenient expenses. Also, it cost my mom a LOT to actually get a moving truck to haul her stuff all the way out there. We'd have to be prepared for that. As well, my mom had no home when she moved out there and that caused a rift in the family between her and her sister-in-law. Mind you, she does have demons in her house....but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, we're just praying and asking God what we should be doing. We NEED a change. This city is so busy and we are burnt out. We need to rest and experience God in ways we haven't before. Calgary is my home so I know we wouldn't be gone forever, but this is just a step in bigger steps we want to take in our lives.

We got a new vehicle too. it's reliable and it fits our family perfectly. It's a 2006 Hyundai Santa Fe SUV with only 22, 000km's and it's a standard (which Damien LOVES). We prayed about finding a vehicle that would be affordable and that would be perfect for us and that we wouldn't get sucked up into something we would regret. We found an AMAZING deal and we are SO SO happy with our choice. It was the first and only car we looked at and we both felt no other looking was necessary. God took care of everything and it all fell into place. It seems that with the prospect of moving East, again God is taking care of it an already things are seeming to be going in a good direction. We are looked after. We are in great hands.

So we'll see what the future brings. Honestly, as long as it includes Damien and my kids, I don't care.

I hope to talk to everyone soon!

Love Always, Erin.

A Wake Up Call

2009-03-30T00:15:00.010-07:00

Passion is growing, taking over every part of me, running my senses into overdrive.
I see their tears and how their spirits have been broken. I have to help them. I have to try.
I hear their cries and I cry with them, I hear their stories; I want to fight for their freedom.
I feel the urge to drop everything and hold them in my arms. Take them home and help heal them.
I feel angry at the evil that overtakes what we think are good people, and steals the little ones’ security.
How could they rob them of everything that was supposed to be safe and with it, steal their purity?
My compassion overwhelms me and gets hold of every area that ever went cold and hard.
What gives me the right to sit here or watch the TV while their souls are being scarred?

God, wake up the earth to SEE what is happening in our backyards and in the streets!
What has happened to our morals, our judgement? Why is even noticing this such a hard feat?
The people we think are great neighbours are the ones that could be causing the pain!
Why is this not coming to the surface, or not being talked about as if it’s just a little stain?
Why is it the “Elephant in the Room” that no one wants to acknowledge but knows it really should be?
And why are we walking with our noses in the air stating, “It’s not my responsibility?”
How can we watch their tears turn into sobs without ever lifting a finger, or crying out for their little hearts?
I hate sitting here as guilty as the next one, knowing I haven’t done much to fill in for my part.

Guys, we can do this! A difference can be made. Change can really happen; we just have to do it!
Let’s talk about it, let’s fight for them, let’s pray, let’s go, let’s do, let’s love, let’s no longer sit.
Where is your heart? Where are your morals? Where is your conscience to do what is is RIGHT?!?!?
Where is your love? Where is your soul, your spirit, your desire to fight?!?!?
Pick up your sword and learn quickly how to swing. Hold your shield properly and learn how to defend.
Stand tight as a unit; Impenetrable; no gaps. Evil will try to break us but if we’re fervent, we’ll never bend.
I don’t care what you personally believe, because we ALL know right from wrong.
For once let us stand firm together; the weak ones being protected by the strong.

-Erin Bareham

(In Regards to the exploitation of little ones)

I Understand Now

2009-03-10T14:24:00.001-07:00

I went to see my Grandma last night. I hadn’t seen her since before I left for Montreal in November. It was really hard for me. I tried to hide my tears 90% of the time. I know that everybody gets old and everyone degenerates as their physical body begins to prepare your spirit for what’s next, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see the ones you love get old. I don’t think it would be this difficult if my Grandma still had her wits about her. Grandma has spent the better part of the last two years in different wards of The Rockyview Hospital due to constantly breaking different major bones in her body and now she finds herself in the Bethany Care Center. Last night she was tired and couldn’t put even two words together that made sense. About a year and a half ago Grandma could still remember everything and she was still quite stubborn and very opinionated. She also had some meat on her. Last night I saw a frail, very thin, quiet woman who looked as though a mouse could demand something of her and she’d do it. It made my heart break to see her so confused.
Damien and I had both the kids with us and if anyone knows what happens when a baby enters a home with old women in it, you should know what happened next. We had our own little nice group of old women who used the kids as an excuse to have a conversation with anyone other than their fellow residents and the nurses. We didn’t mind. We knew they were bored and lonely. As much as I enjoyed their company, I couldn’t get over the fact that my Grandma was sitting there with a blank expression on her face. She had no clue what was going on around her. She tried to join in but ended up saying something that made no sense whatsoever. At one point we were asked how much Endon weighed when he was born and I decided to ask Grandma how much my Dad weighed when HE was born. She thought I was talking about Grandpa and instead of answering the question, told me how much she loved him with her whole heart and that she misses him terribly. I left it at that.
One thing I am happy she remembers is Jesus and her husband, my Grandpa, Jake. Her whole memory has taken a hike but the two things that matter most to her is her Jesus and Jake; the other love of her life; she can still remember with much clarity. She was even able to recite a small poem about how Jesus takes care of her.
On the ride home Damien asked what it was about the whole thing that bothered me the most and you know, I have to say it’s seeing how all her memories and the relationship we had between each other have been lost.

When I was young, I honestly wasn’t that fond of my Grandma. She was always considered the mean one because she seemed to have an opinion on absolutely everything. But then when Damien and I first got married, Grandma and I started talking on the phone almost every day. When things went very bad with my sister, my Grandma, along with Damien and others, were the ones who supported me through everything. Proverbs says it’s important to gain as much wisdom from your elders as you can. I take this seriously. I started listening to my Grandma’s stories and seeing the lessons behind them and we both grew to love the relationship we had with each other. So when I see her in the state she was in last night it hurts because it seems that I am the only one who remembers what we had.
The encouraging thing is that I think her spirit knows and still remembers everything. Even if she doesn’t recognize my face, or calls Athaliah a boy and Endon a girl, I know her spirit loves me and my kids.

Before we left for the night, I knelt down in front of Grandma’s wheelchair and told her how much I loved her and missed her. I started crying and I apologized for not visiting her more often. She looked at me in a moment of complete clarity and said to me, “its okay. You have work to do at home. And one day we’ll have forever to talk and visit.” She said this to me as she wiped the tears off of my cheeks. This only made me cry more but then when I lay in bed last night I thought about it and realized she is right. She may not be able to remember those of us still stuck in reality but her spirit does and after a temporary time away from each other, we will be reunited in heaven where we can spend eternity catching up. I felt better and was able to fall asleep but again, it’s still hard to see the ones you love preparing themselves for eternal life. We don’t understand because we are still focused here. It seems that Grandma is just waiting for the transfer papers to come through so she can see her beloved Jesus and Jake. In some ways it’s easier to get through knowing that her mind is focusing more and more on the next life, but I am not close to doing that so my heart still breaks. Once she is gone I am left with no other grandparents to gain wisdom from. Damien suggested I visit my Grandma more often and then get to know the other women and adopt them as my next Grandma. I just might.

And so I leave you with the thoughts of life and not death. It continues whether we believe in Jesus or not. I personally have a deep relationship with Jesus and so when Grandma shares her longing to be with him, that is one thing I can fully understand.

Too Honest For My Own Good

2009-01-15T01:36:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year everyone. And this year I really mean it. I mean I have reason to be happy. My son survived Christmas and he is here with me, alive and well. The story went as follows:

I came to Montreal on November 18th with Athaliah and Endon. About 2 weeks after we got there, Endon came down with a cold. The next morning he was having difficulty breathing so we decided to bring him to the Montreal Children's Hospital to get checked out. On the way, Endon turned blue. We pulled over and I held him in my arms with both of us strapped in the front seat. I didn't want to take any more chances. Upon arriving, Endon was checked and we were immedietly put in a room to see the doctor. When the doctor came in he decided because Endon turned blue on the way, he wanted him to stay for at least 24 hours for observation. That was December 7th; Athaliah's birthday. (She has not had a party...but we'll get there) Endon was tested for a common upper respiratory virus called RSV. The results came back the next morning as positive. RSV can often mimic Bronchitis and Pnumonia. So basically the doctors said his diagnosis is that he has Bronchialitis and he's RSV positive. They told me he would get worse around the 4th day and from there he would get better. Everything went like clockwork. He did indeed get worse around the 4th day to the point where I couldn't handle it any more and called Damien in Calgary and told him to fly his butt out ASAP. I couldn't get to a computer and I was also not allowed to talk on my cell phone. And just to make things more difficult, the hospital phones would not call long distance. So just the immediate family members were contacted. And I thought to myself, "It's nothing. Endon will be out soon. I don't need to really tell anyone."And then the 5th day Endon was doing SO much better. Up until the, he was on oxygen but it wasn't a lot and he was still eating normally although he was getting fevers frequently. The doctor told me this was expected. So the 5th day was good. We had a good day and the doctor said we would be able to go home as soon as they were confident he could survive on room air. That night I fed Endon, he had some tylenol and went to sleep around 11pm. He was working hard at breathing and both the nurse and I were thinking that his breathing was really laboured and perhaps he was getting tired. This was an understatement. At 2 am Endon woke up SCREAMING in pain. His back was arched and he was breathing really fast. No one could console him. His colour was alarming. I was afraid to say it out loud but I kept thinking that he was the colour of a corpse. He was yellow-ish grey. My gut started writhing. Something was NOT right and the nurse agreed. She called the resident on call who called the ICU resident on call. They both came down to assess Endon. The nurse suggested he go up to the ICU and be put on the resperator to give his lungs a break because he has been struggling for almost a week at that point. As the doctors hummed and hawed, I continued to hold Endon and try and calm him. And then, the scariest moment in my whole life...every parents WORST nightmare. Endon stopped breathing. He stopped crying, looked at me as if to say, "I love you Mom, but I just can't do it anymore." and then his eyes rolled back. All I saw were the whites of his eyes. No one was in the room at the time but I kinda started breathing heavy and shaking. I called the doctors who came in and I said, "His eyes rolled back into his head. I don't think that's normal. It's kinda freaking me out." The doctor put his stethascope onto Endon's chest and the next thing I remember was the doctor grabbing Endon from me and running. The two doctors, the nurse and then me, ran down the hall way and into the crash room. There wasn't any time to even call a code blue so no one was expecting us. It didn't take long though. Endon was placed on this huge bed in the trauma room and there were a thousand people surrounding him. I couldn't see anything. I didn't know anything. I was just left in limbo crying my eyeballs out and secretly mad that God would allow Endon to almost die in my arms. He started breathing again but it was very, very weak. They started to suction out his lungs via a tube down his nose. They suctioned and suctioned and suctioned some more. Endon's lungs were so full of fluid that he literally could not breathe anymore. He was drowning. The more they suctioned, the more his lungs would fill. They took an x-ray and it showed both his lungs as white. You could barely see his rib cage. I was so scared. No one would tell me anything but they wouldn't let me leave the room either. I felt completely useless. I finally asked if I could leave and call those who needed to be called. I called Damien first obviously, who was in Oka with Athaliah. Then I called Damien's Dad and his mom (who's phone was off). I knew a lot of people wouldn't answer anyway since it was 4am in Montreal and 2am in Calgary. Finally someone filled me in after I asked what was going on. A woman from the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) filled me in. She told me about his lungs and that he needed to be on a resperator and transfered to the PICU and that they were just waiting for him to be stablized and for a bed to be ready. In the meantime Damien, Mom and Athaliah arrived. We then followed Endon up to the PICU were they settled him in. Even though his situation was critical, I think this was my favorite unit. He had his own nurse and round the clock care so I was able to leave the hospital for the first time and go have a shower. Damien and I called regularly to see how he was and they said not to worry, but to rest and come back the next day. I was very anxious to be over an hour away from my baby but I was smelling, and I needed a shower and a good rest. Endon was in the ICU for 3 days and this is when I had decided it was time to let my other relatives and friends know...they only problem was that I still could not get to a computer or use the phone. Slowly but surely I managed to get a hold of people to let others know and ask to support us in prayer. While I was in Oka, I fell asleep and did not wake up until the next day at the same time. I slept for 24 hours! I think I needed it. Endon was then transfered to a medical unit. He was taken off the resperator and put back on oxygen. They also gave him a feeding tube going directly into his intestines because he had stopped eating and they wanted to get him off the IV. Then, he was able to be off oxygen during the day and at night they would put him back on if his oxygen levels dropped any lower than 92% (they frequently dropped to 88% or 87%). The feeding tube was taken out the next day and he was breastfeeding again. The IV was also taken out. Social Services arranged a Hotel Apartment a couple blocks from the hospital for us to stay in because of the long commute from Oka. It was a major help and blessing that Damien was able to be so close and I was able to take rests from time to time.

Endon was finally released a couple days later just in time for Christmas. Although it should have been the best ever because Endon was alive, I was still in complete shock and am just now sorting things out in my brain.

We came home to a rather large ambulance bill from when Athaliah dropped her halloween candy down Endon's throat and he was rushed to the hospital back in October.

I guess this is why everyone loves me? Because I am honest. Maybe too honest at times. I'm sure this is one of them. I'm honestly a crazy wreck right now. Since I got home I've been trying my hardest to hold everything in but when no one is looking I fall apart at the seams. I'm seriously traumatized by this experience. Endon stopped breathing in my arms. I can't tell you what that does to a person. What that does to a mother who has a soul tie with their child. My gut, my nerves, my brain...everything felt him slipping away. I wanted to die with him...or switch places. No one is able to understand how I felt because I alone was there. Damien wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I'm just so... I don't know. I was a messed up person before this but I was on the mend. I feel like I am slipping backwards to square one. I can't even talk about what happened to Endon anymore. I can't physically describe it anyway. My emotions remember how I felt at that moment and it's like I am re-living it. I think they call that post-traumatic-stress...?

This whole thing goes deeper for me. For those that know me, you know I had a miscarriage way back when Damien and I first got married. I felt that that baby was a boy. Then I was bothered by constant dreams of babies (always boys) that were taken from me, or that weren't mine. They never recognized me. Then finally one day I dreamt of a little baby girl that was in my arms. She knew I was her mother and even though people were trying to take her, I held on tight and never let go. I woke up, and I was healed. I also desperately wanted a girl from then on. Well, I got my little girl and I thought all was well.

The night Endon stopped breathing, I felt uneasy. It was bothering me ALL evening. Hours before anything happened. I kept hearing, "You know because he's a boy I am going to take him from you right?" I knew it was the enemy but it wouldn't stop. I even told Damien about it and he told me everything would be fine. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread though. And then when everything happened, the enemy was RIGHT there saying, "You see? I told you I was going to take him." I was totally beside myself. (Sandra I would have told you all this if it wasn't for that security guard trying to kick me off the phone.) I'm telling you I was SO MAD at God. I was thinking, "You're REALLY going to let him take Endon? Are you really going to LET HIM?" Of course deep down I knew God was actually telling me to trust him and I kept telling him to forget it. Obviously I know better now.

But now I am working through this whole thing emotionally. It may have ended as far as Endon being well again, but I am just beginning to deal with everything I've been supressing. OH IF ONLY I COULD JUST UNLEASH THIS EMOTION!!!!

I'm trying to "stay strong" because if Damien sees the state I am in, he will get angry...or just not understand WHY it's still affecting me. You know how guys' brains are sorted into boxes right? And the boxes DON'T TOUCH. He wouldn't get it.

DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS? ENDON ALMOST DIED IN MY ARMS!!! In fact, he DID DIE for a few minutes...IN MY ARMS!!! ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE FEAR IN MY HEART?!?!?

I'm sorry...I just haven't talked about it AT ALL yet. No one is avaliable. My mom is not here. Please if you have a comfy shoulder...I need to cover it with my tears.

Now more than ever I need Jesus. Right here in front of me. Right here so I can tell him everything and have him just...tell me everything will be fine.

Endon is crying. I need to feed him. I've never been so happy and thankful to hear his voice.

I'm going to get through this. But as "strong" as I am...I have my weaknesses and I'm crumbling more and more every day the longer I have to keep this inside me.

This is NOT what I was expecting.

2008-12-02T21:18:00.004-07:00

I began this blog entry writing about my experience so far here in Oka, Quebec, but the more I wrote, the sicker I felt.
There is a time, (perhaps when I get home) when I will be allowed to share my story thus far but for now I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that I am not allowed.
I am going to be obedient.

We will just say it has not been good. I'm working on it but the enemy is very influential here. I am thinking it is mostly because we are on the land of my Native Ancestors. There are many ruling Demons and they are NOT happpy that I am here. That is all I will say until I feel I am allowed to share more.

Don't worry about me though. Jesus is more powerful than anything in this world and I am not in the least bit afraid. Demons don't scare me. I feel protected but I will always be grateful for more prayer in this regard :)

I hope everyone else is well. We will see you after the Holidays since Damien has decided to fly here for Christmas.

With love for everyone who reads this,
Erin

My Dad vs GOD

2008-10-14T03:20:00.004-07:00

Why is it that our fathers affect us so much? Why do they have the power to keep us going through the hardest times of life and also make us enjoy the best times? Why do they hold the power destroy us and also make us into the people we’ve always wanted? Why do they have more of this power than our mothers?
I have issues with my dad that never really bothered me until I got married and had kids of my own. I always thought I was so lucky to have the relationship with my dad that I did. Looking back I can see how off it was. No dad is perfect; we all know that, but some dads just really know how to connect with their kids better than others. The way of life in my home growing up was that if you weren’t playing a video game with my dad or at least watching him play a video game, then you wouldn’t get the time of day no matter how hard you tried. My dad had a one way brain and it was always focused on the television. I loved my dad, so I learned how to play video games. Unfortunately I could never be as good as my brother Glenn and my dad made sure I knew that. He didn’t do it on purpose I don’t think, and he didn’t do it to hurt me either. It didn’t back then, but now when I think about it, it really does hurt. Only because as I grew up I was always told about how someone was always better than me at whatever I attempted. Glenn was better at video games, "Cousin Gloria" was better at piano...etc. I was really good at drawing and when I drew I shaded my work. Dad taught me how to do it and I was very proud of myself...until Glenn started to pass me in talent and then it was all about his artwork. At least I still had my poetry. I write poetry and that is the one thing no one has been able to take from me. But then as I got older and more interested in boys, I searched for my dad and his answers. I wanted to know what kind of guy would prove to deserve me. I was searching for someone to set a standard. I looked for my dad to show me. He showed me the back of his head as it stared at the television. I looked at my brother. He also showed me the back of his head and frequently the back of his fist too. I began to get angry and rebellious. I was “grounded” every weekend but it never stopped me from leaving the house and running away. I knew my dad couldn’t really catch me if his hands were glued to the controller for the latest video game he was playing, so I did whatever I wanted. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up with a lot of guys at a very young age that I should have stayed far away from. I didn’t really know better. The boys at school teased me and some threw rocks at me while I waited for the bus to go home. The male teachers didn’t do anything if I told them what happened to me. And when I came home bawling my eyes out from the amount of abuse I had to endure at school, my dad would continue doing what he did best: ignoring me. I look back and know that the only reason I ran away so often was so that maybe one day my dad would come after me. That he would find me and rescue me from all the men that took advantage of his little girl. That he would grab me and hold me in his arms and cry because he couldn’t stand to lose his little girl. It never happened. Only once did my dad actually come after me but that was only because my brother found out I was meeting a guy MUCH older than me and told on me. They found me at a train station about an hour later. I don’t feel any resentment towards him for that. He bought me and my brother Subway Subs for dinner on the way home.
However, the time where a girl needs her parents the most is when entering the teenage years. My parents divorced just after I turned 14. I ended up on Paxil and some anti-psychotic and in group therapy. The Paxil made me so sick I missed a lot of school. The anti-psychotic made me sleep until my body got used to it so I somehow managed to get a higher dose and I quit group therapy because all they did was gossip about people they went to school with. I was so wrecked from being split up between my mom, my dad and my brother that I just couldn’t handle it. If I went to visit my dad and brother my mom made me feel like a terrible person. When I got to my dad’s I had to fend for myself because what was my dad doing? PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!

Around this time my dad starting hanging out with a woman he knew from his bus route named Trisha. She had a daughter who was a few years younger than me. The only thing I remember from my dad’s relationship with her was that he would always tell me how beautiful Trisha was and how beautiful her daughter Chelsea was. THEN dear Chelsea started to DRAW for my dad and dad had to report to me how great of an artist Chelsea was, and did he forget to mention she was beautiful?? Day in and day out it was all about Trisha, Chelsea and video game jargon. I never once heard how beautiful I was. Sure, I was really geeky and SKINNY and I had bucked teeth, but even if I am the ugliest girl in the world, you still need to tell me that I am the most beautiful. I didn’t hear it from any male in my life. Not. One. This has affected me so deeply today. I have a really hard time believing Damien when he tells me I am beautiful but deep down it’s all I want to hear over and over. I wanted to hear from my DAD how beautiful I was, how talented I was and that he is so proud of me. I just...don’t know why he didn’t. I was the only kid out of my brother Glenn and my sister Marian who graduated High School. I waited until AFTER I was married to have kids and I married an amazing Christian man. I fell in love with the concept of the Bass Guitar and purchased one. I don’t play it often anymore because I am terrified of my dad’s criticism. Every time I begin to play he runs upstairs and starts bragging to me about Jeff Beck’s Bass player who is a woman and how amazingly talented she is and so on. I don’t sing much anymore...at least not while dad is around...or even Damien. Every time I sing in front of dad he laughs as though he is embarrassed. Also he has to point out how my music is not music. Only the music of HIS generation is music. If I show an interest in one of dad’s favourite bands he acts as though that is expected of me. But there is ALWAYS someone he knows who is better at me in everything. As I grow spiritually, my poetry grows and is more focused on spiritual things. I don’t read them to my Dad anymore because he doesn’t understand. He made fun of me one time for believing that prophecy still exists. I don’t sing for him anymore because the songs that make me alive are about Jesus. And I don’t play the piano anymore at all because I have to hear an hour long lecture about “cousin Gloria” who can play ANYTHING on her fantastic grand piano.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I’ve just always felt second...or third best. Not once has my dad ever made me feel like I am his most prized jewel. When a woman wants to be loved, she wants her daddy to love her first unconditionally and then her husband has to take over and love her even more.

This is why I have a hard time relating to God as my father. I don’t know how to explain this but God is WAY MORE than my father ever could be. My Jesus is more to me than that. A father to me is just someone else in the world. God; Jesus; is the almighty King that reigns far above and beyond anything I can comprehend. For me to call God my father would be for me to demean Him. It would be making Him less than what He is to me. God takes care of me more than I ask for. He tells me I am His “Little Erin” and whenever someone says something to me that they believe is from God, I know it’s Him when they begin by telling me that I am a “Jewel” or a “treasure”. He tells me that I am HIS jewel and HIS treasure. My dad wouldn’t even think of words like that. God protects me and stands up for me. My dad was always too chicken. Parents are supposed to be “God” to their children. We are supposed to represent who God IS to our kids. My mom tried. She still tries. Even with her issues and past afflictions. My dad is just a guy who happens to be my father. But my King is Jesus and I am loyal to him first before anyone. Out of every single person on this earth, I can truly say that Jesus is the only one who has ever loved me unconditionally. I mean that I can feel His unconditional love. Everyone else has standards that I can’t live up to; ever. Not God. I KNOW He loves me because He proves it to me all the time. No one else does what He does. No one else goes to the lengths that He does. And for this I am so thankful.
On earth I hurt because of how my dad has damaged me. But I know without a doubt that when I walk into the presence of GOD, that because it means so much to me, He will wrap me in his arms, hold me so tight and tell me everything my dad never did. He’s going to tell me that I AM beautiful because He made me that way. He is going to tell me that I AM SO talented because He wanted me to make Him proud. And He’ll tell me that He IS proud of me for everything I accomplished and everything I attempted but failed at. He is going to tell me that those rocks the boys threw at me mean nothing now, that the things that men did to me when I was just a child were wrong but that they don’t matter anymore because I am restored. He’ll tell me that He is honoured to be the one to affirm me finally and fill my heart to the point of bursting. He’ll make me look in his eyes that brim with tears so that I’ll know without a doubt that He is telling the truth. He’ll tell me that it is okay now; that I am safe now; that no one will ever hurt me again. And I will spend forever in eternity with that unconditional love that always came to my rescue on earth.

I love Jesus. He’s bigger and better than any man ever could be.
And now He’s assuring me He’ll be there when I am done ranting about my dad and decide to let go of the resentment and forgive him.

WAKE UP PEOPLE OF JESUS!!!

2008-10-05T17:10:00.005-07:00

Today isn't such a good day but that's just because I am supposed to be in Montreal with my mom and I am not. I'm at home in an empty house sitting in my misery.
Aside from that though, I've spent the last couple days pondering my lovely Jesus and and the spiritual world that I can't see. I'd like to share what I've learned and also why I love Jesus so much.

So I was looking on Facebook "groups" and came across a Satanist group. Curious to see what Satanists talk about, I clicked on the group and opened a can of worms that has sent me completely reeling for a couple days. First off I felt there was a layer of protection around me as I read this stuff and researched things pertaining to Satan and so for your sake I ask God right now to protect you as I write and explain things that may be disturbing or upsetting to you. The unknown is always scary but just remember that God is bigger and more powerful than anything Satan can throw at us.

Okay so I started reading this stuff in this group about what Satanists believe and I was shocked at how totally TWISTED this stuff was. It listed 11 commandments that Satan gave to some guy and most of it sounded like God's commandments, just turned around. For example, Satan commands that his followers worship no other God but him, and so on. I found it amazing that people were so into Satan believing that he actually LOVES them!! At first I was quite upset that it seems these people are so spiritual and that they know more about spirituality etc. than most Christians. I was mad because God doesn't seem to be as present as Satan does. I read that Satan gives his people Demon's to work with and Demon's to teach you everything you need to know and that Satan himself will reveal himself to you. They say that when you give your life and your soul to Satan he will immediately start to invest in you and look after you when you are in trouble by sending Demons to your side. Like I said, this bothered me at first because as disturbing as it is, it seems like he is very present and God is so distant and far away and we never get to see the angels that God sends to our side when we are in trouble. But then God explained to me that he looks after his people in the way he does because that is all he has. He gives incentives to people and tells them he will give them great wealth and happiness (this is actually one of his decrees or promises). But THAT IS ALL HE HAS!!! Without people to keep under his control he has nothing. He lures them in with worldly promises and promises that do not benefit your soul. He tells them to give in to every human pleasure and warns them not to be lured by the false and evil Christian God called Jehovah. They know full well that God exists but they refuse to call him anything but Jehovah. They also acknowledge that Jesus exists but they call him "The Nazarene". They said to be careful because Jehovah's angels are beginning to reveal themselves. And two of his decrees I found most interesting and humorous was that Satan believes he is going to live forever. He must know he isn't but he obviously likes to tell his followers this. And also, "Three things are against me and I hate three things". A satanist explained that this means the "xian trinity".
Overall the things he teaches is fascinating because I can clearly see how wrong, twisted and pathetic it is. The website says, "In contrast to the helpful Demons Satan provides us with, angels are cruel, unfeeling, sadistic, and evil beings who look down upon humanity. One only needs to look at the Christian bible, especially the book of revelation. Angels have repeatedly been messengers of misfortune and instigators of mass murder. Many times, beings and entities from the Christian 'god' will masquerade as Demons, or spirits of Satan. Remember, the Christian 'god' uses ignorance and fear to enslave humanity. People who are open to Christianity or actual Christians are the most vulnerable to negative influences. Some who investigate Satanism and the occult have a bad or terrifying experience, go running back to Christianity, more holy than ever before, and rant about how 'evil' Satan is, when all along it was the Christian 'god' and his angels, frightening them back into the fold". ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It's so sad to see how blind these people are. And yet it's even sadder that most Christians don't even know this stuff. They don't know how our enemy really works. They don't know the tactics he is using to gain followers. It's funny because everything I just said could be something a Satanist could say about us. When I read this stuff and think about Christianity, I see this mental picture:

It's a dark daylight but instead of grey clouds and sky it looks more orange with a red hue. On Satan's side of the camp you see Demons working like mad gathering anyone who will fight for them. They work tirelessly trying to equip humans with their black armor that seem to come alive when it touches their skin. Some armor actually absorbs into their bodies and they become a completely different entity. Almost like they are no longer human because they don't have any more say over their bodies. All around the perimeter of the camp there is Chaos and noise. Nothing is able to be interpreted, there's just noise and unrest. There are some humans on the edge of the camp unsure of whether they want to be involved in battle at all but surrounding them are more Demons trying to alter their senses and persuading them to join. They whisper to them that they wont have to fight they just have to give their souls to "Father Satan". Who needs their souls anyway? As soon as they are convinced they are brought in to the camp and covered with armor, given a wicked weapon and sent out. All around them are animal corpses and the stench of evil and perverted messes but all the humans see is the earth in it's blue and green glory. They can't see any of the darkness surrounding them and so they continue on in their ways not knowing what they are opposing. The one thing that stands out about this army is that they are passionate. Every one of them come to know Satan and what he is capable of. They join in on his arrogant and selfish ways. By the time they go to battle, they all know who they are fighting for. Despite the constant quaralling among each other and the death, they are all unified with one purpose. Others will see the mess and the Chaos and try to run but unless they run into Jesus' camp, they never make it.

Over on Jesus' side it is quiet and peaceful. The sky is no different but over here it just seems kinda beautiful and still. The people within are happy and content. There are MANY people in this camp but they seem to be split off into huge groups that could even look like cliques. One group is full of humans on their knees in intercession. These people are aware that there is a battle on the horizon. These people know there is already war being fought just outside the camps. They are asking God to fight on their behalf and sitting in the midst of them are angels going over God's battle strategy with his willing people. In another group we see restless Christians. They can't sit still so they are always moving. They want to get going into the war and fight. Most have no clue what they are even fighting for, they just want to go. Sometimes they end up fighting with each other and between them are angels trying to keep the peace and keep them focused on their Jesus and their goal. There are other groups just standing around looking like a deer in the headlights. They have no clue what they are supposed to be doing. You see angels trying to assist them with their sparkling silver armor and they are looking around bewildered. You see other angels trying to explain to them how to use their weapon over and over and not getting anywhere. And again in another group you see the people all wearing the same sparkling armor but arguing about theirs being better and stronger than their brother. This group is also arguing about how their denominations are better and more effective than their brother's denomination. Despite this there are other groups of hundreds of people and angels worshipping together. They are singing with all their hearts and this seems to brighten other Christians and encourages the ones who feel lost. There is another group made up of mostly women. They are the ones healing the wounds of those who went out to battle and got injured. They are the ones gently bringing deliverence to those who managed to escape the enemy's camp. They are the mothers who go around with words of encouragement and love to heal the wounds that most of God's followers brought with them before they even knew God. Some are self-inflicted and others were a direct result of the enemy. When you are not in the protection of Jesus' camp you are free game to enemy and his Demons.
And within all these groups all around and inside this camp are THOUSANDS of people sound asleep. They are curled up in one spot peacefully sleeping and totally unaware of what is going on around them. You see angels trying to shake them awake and even other humans trying to get them to wake up but to no avail. They are then informed that those who are sleeping are choosing to sleep. Some will wake up and take up their spots at the front lines and other will sleep right through battle until Jesus comes. They know Him and they love Him but they have excuses of how they "just didn't get enough sleep the night before". They choose not to wake up. The one thing that stands out about this army is that the King they are fighting for knows each one intimately and loves them so deeply he is willing to to spend an eternity raising them up to properly fight. He is patient and kind with each one. He waits to begin full on battle just in case one more decides to join him. He cares for and heals each person that comes to him for help. He personally greets them and raises them up to be proper warriors. And even though this army is still lacking complete unity, when the horn sounds to announce Jesus' arrival, they will all straighten up and come to full attention and in that time they will all know EXACTLY what they need to do and WHO they are fighting for.

God has shown me that Satan has nothing to hold onto. Not permanently anyway. He gives his followers fake promises and tells them that the Christian God is the one who is evil.
I read a book called, "Just Give Me Jesus" and in it the author describes how while in England, she met a banker who dealt specifically with money fraud. She said to him basically, "Wow, you must spend hours looking at different types of counterfeit money!" and he replied, "On the contrary, I spend hours looking at the real thing. That way I will know the difference instantly when there is a counterfeit." This is what we need to do and do not do it!!! So like I said, although I researched the enemy's followers and looked at the counterfeit, I seem to not spend enough time studying and getting to know the real thing. When I do, then I will know when anything that is not of God comes along.
And so with this said, I am encouraged and happy that I am in the process of getting to know the King that I worship. I speak to all those who are choosing to sleep to WAKE UP! Get on your armor, grab your weapon, go spend some time with Jesus so you will know his plans and then fight. We wont lose if we listen to Him. Satan will NOT live forever and Satan does NOT love his followers and he does NOT love you.
Just think about it a little bit.

Lately...

2008-08-29T01:52:00.003-07:00

I'm tired but I'm not in the mood to sleep. So here I am at almost 3 in the morning. I have nothing going on and yet so much going on at once. We just had our baby boy 11 days ago (wow, that long already?!?) and much to my complete surprise, it's been soooo easy. Little Endon is such an easy baby. He cries only when he's hungry, needs to be changed or he wants to cuddle. The rest of the time he is totally content to sleep on his own in the bassinet. Guess what? I'm actually sleeping. Is it easier because he's a boy, because I've done this before, because my attitude is positive, or all of the above? I don't know...there's just something so easy about it. Athaliah wouldn't let us put her down, and when we actually got the chance, she would not lay on her back. Endon just doesn't care. (that must be a boy thing). Either way, I am feeling so relaxed and calm and oddly enough, really strong. I feel confident and capable. The "hard" days are less and less as Athaliah gets older and I am able to communicate with her better. And this time, I know what to expect with Endon.

I've been changing inside too. I've been reading a book by Lisa Bevere called, "Fight Like A Girl" and it has been the most eye opening and empowering book I've read in a very long time. It's not about feminism but about women's role as God intended. In one chapter she talks about how it is the woman's job to keep her husbands emotions, secrets and deep desires that he shares with you and no one else, locked away safe in your heart, protecting them from outside threats like a special treasure. I have been meditating on that for a bit and I am beginning to feel honored that I get to be the secret keeper of Damien's deep longings and desires. She shares how women are built to heal, to encourage and love. And so I can have a direct influence on not only the spiritual atmosphere of my home, but on how well my family is thriving. It's my job to take those special treasures that Damien gives me and polish them and nurture them into encouragement and love. I immediately felt that this is exactly what I was meant for. I know that the longing to love, to nurture, to encourage, and to heal is ingrained in me. God showed me that this is a special role unique to women. I think it's very empowering and encouraging to me.

The book also talks about how God never forgets his hurting daughters. This has got to be the most encouraging thing for me to know. I love my husband so much. I want nothing more than to see him succeed and reach his goals and dreams, and one thing I stand firmly by is the fact that from the very beginning I've loved Damien for everything that he is, good and bad. But I have to be honest with you. I am hurting. Damien has informed me twice now (after I've spent over an hour encouraging him in something and pouring love on him) that he has nothing to encourage me in or pour on me because he doesn't see anything that inspires him or makes him say, "Wow, this is my wife". These are his words and I have one word to say in response: "Ouch". Didn't I just go through almost 3 years of pure anxiety and fear only to come out unharmed on the other side? Didn't I give birth to both of his children? Have I not stood beside him faithfully when he needed me the most? Do I really have nothing of worth to brag about? Do I have NO qualities or a personality at all? I guess not in his eyes. This makes me very sad. It lowers my confidence in everything I do or want to do and he has told me it is because he has unrealistic expectations that I can and never will meet. He askes God to change him and I pray too that he will. What is the use of me being here if I have nothing to offer? Or perhaps it's what my husband will not accept from me? I don't know...but despite this, I still have hope. I know I was meant to be with Damien for the rest of my life and I know God loves me enough that he wouldn't put me here to watch me suffer and cry. I just have to keep praying and be patient. God will do whatever he needs to in his own time and I just have to remain faithful. It really sucks when your own husband does not see your worth...but I thank God that HE does. This won't and does not change the way I will treat Damien. I will continue to love, to encourage and nurture despite how I feel and I will hold onto the hope that he will come around eventually. I am only sharing this because these are the things that have been going on and I wanted to talk about what I am learning in the process. I am strong and I have faith. That's all I need right now.

I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself and I love who God is making me into. Everyday that passes, I don't recognize the person from yesterday. I am constantly growing and experiencing new things. I look back on everything and I can see where Jesus was through all of it. I'm in a very good place right now. I'm healthy in my mind and in my emotions and I never would have made it if I didn't have Jesus. I am so thankful and so full of joy when I think of him. When I look at my children I smile and I think of how He would interact with them...and it melts me to the point where I fall in love with Jesus all over again. When I see old people I am filled with compassion and the desire to listen to all their life stories. When I see neglected children I want to take them away and love them until they're tired of it, and when I see young teens I want to be their friend and mentor them so they make good choices in life. And when I see broken people I hurt with them and cry on their behalf. To the world that would be a depressing way to feel all the time, but it moves me into action and I don't take it for granted. My heart is soft and I love that this is the way I was made.

Hannah

2008-06-05T18:30:00.004-07:00

Have you ever been put to shame by someone who seems to have more Christ-like qualities than you and they're not even a Christian? This evening around dinner, I was so immensely blessed by my neighbour that it almost brought me to tears. Not only because I feel so loved but because I feel shamed at my laziness.
My neighbour's name is Hanna. She is an Arab woman from Sudan with 4 children and one on the way. I met her because my other neighbour and I are friends who both have a child 6 months apart from each other. I babysit her boy Rolando on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until Rolando's Dad gets home from work and one day he was over there playing with all of Hannah's kids. So I took Athaliah over there as an excuse to introduce myself. I had never seen the woman who lived there before. One of Hannah's children, Sarah, took an instant liking to Athaliah and was constantly trying to give her kisses. She's a gorgeous child I might point out too. Anyway, from that day on, me and Hannah have been getting to know each other when the weather is nice enough for us to sit outside her home in the sun. Hannah's husband Caleb is very good to her. She says that's why she has so many kids! It's good to know that there are some very good men out there still.
There is something about Hannah that is so intriguing. I don't know what it is but there's this light in her eyes that shines so brightly. I have never known an Arab woman who is so open to friendship with me...a white person. I've always been so fascinated with Arab culture and customs because the women are always so shy and hidden...sometimes literally, but Hannah is so open and caring and seriously loving. She insists that she is going to come help with the baby when he is born because my mom is moving to Quebec on the July long weekend. I know that where she comes from everyone looks after everyone else. It's only natural to her. She loves to share with me all the things she loves and the food she makes when she feels well. (She's only 3 months along and suffers a great deal with morning sickness). This woman is something different. She wears a scarf over her head but only when she is going somewhere does she secure it. A lot of times it blows off her head in the wind and she takes her time putting it back. Her youngest child Nadia is just a little older than Athaliah but they don't really get along. I assume it's because they're both at the age of not wanting to share and they are both girls. Nadia is very sweet too. One day I picked her up and out of habit I started rubbing her back cause I do that with Athaliah, and she put her head on my shoulder. I went to give her back to her mom and she refused!! As soon as MY little girl saw that, she threw a temper tantrum; again because Athaliah doesn't like to share anything...especially her mommy. Hannah also likes to show me her "tattoos" as she calls them. It's actually black Henna. She always has these amazing designs on her feet and hands and we have an agreement that when she feels better she has to do some Henna on me.
So getting to this evening, I was being kind of selfish and wanting to spend money we don't have so I could satisfy my hunger and craving for Joey's Only. (One of my FAVORITE restaurants). The truth is currently we have no food in the house to eat except milk, pita bread and cheese. The smart thing to do would be to go to the store but the whole money thing is getting in the way. And my kitchen is a disaster so of course I don't want to cook. So I resigned to maybe just not eating for the evening. I took Athaliah to the couch so she could munch on some Cheerios on my lap when who knocks at the door? HANNAH! She walks in with this HUGE smile on her face and says, "Where's your wife?" and Damien points to me on the couch. She says to me, "You sick? I haven't seen you in a while." I said no but then she just hands me this steaming plate of pasta to eat. She said, "I have to go, but you eat!" and then she left! I was blown away. I thought to myself, WOW...I am SO selfish. I have food I COULD make if I wanted to but I was just too lazy...and yet, God still provided my dinner. Not only did Hannah randomly bring me dinner, but she's sick and spends her days chasing her four children when she is not lying down. I thought that I am the one who should be going over there to help HER! I don't have any nausea anymore and I only have ONE kid at the moment. Hannah did all that for me just because she cares about me. When was the last time I did something like that? I mean, I made a cheesecake last week and gave her a slice to which she gave me some very interesting Lamb soup. But to top it off, she came back tonight to make sure I ate my dinner AND in the process brought me a delicious hot dessert and took off again! HAHA. She just makes me smile every time I think of her.
I think honestly, this is the first time someone has spontaneously decided to love me just because she felt like it and it's an amazing feeling. I've never been on the receiving end of something like this. Sure, LOTS of people have helped me and offered help...but no one until Hannah has ever just done something for me without reason. Now I know how it feels to be loved by Jesus in another person. I see so much of Jesus in Hannah. I can't seem to get enough of her.
To be honest though, I'm scared to get too close because I don't want it to hurt when she leaves. I don't know when she is leaving but she has said that the house they are in is filthy (which it is because Calgary Housing owns it and the people that lived there before were two male bachelors). She said she doesn't want to stay. I don't blame her but she is one person I don't ever want to lose contact with. There's just something about her that draws you in. She's the type of person you can't NOT love. I loved her instantly. And while I am trying to figure out how to be Jesus to my neighbours, my neighbours are being Jesus to me without even knowing it.
I pray with all my heart that I can get to know Hannah more and that perhaps her living conditions can be improved so she doesn't have to leave. I feel like there is so much more I want to know and learn about her and her culture. I want to spend more time with her and give back to her.

Here's the bottom line. Jesus wants us to be a part of each others lives regardless of race and religion. I was talking with an older mom one Sunday and we were discussing WHY motherhood is so lonely. It's only lonely in North America. Everywhere else the women spend everyday together looking after everyone else's kids. I've always felt that I didn't belong in this North American culture. I know deep down that Hannah's type of community is what is necessary. This culture is so scared of it's neighbours it's almost comical. I asked God to bring women into my life who crave this close kind of community as well. That's where Hannah comes in. She's teaching me about what it's like to live that way. She says it's hard for her out here and she's lonely too. In Sudan, all the other women would be looking after her kids and she'd be resting. That's just how it is. Here in Canada she's isolated and has to look after her kids by herself when her husband is not home. So for now we have each other. I believe that is exactly what God was hoping for...and me too.

And update on the Pregnancy and life in general: It's been confirmed that we are definitely having a boy...and I saw the proof myself. Damien is really excited. I'm not sure how I feel yet because I barely have time to think about it. Athaliah is very busy...and messy and I'm just trying to keep up with her most of the time. I'm just entering my 3rd trimester, I feel AMAZING and because I am not queasy, I could care less that my pelvic bone is separating from the ligaments. Honestly, I'd take that over being sick any day. Good news on being sick though: I'm well on my way to getting over my severe phobia of vomit. Athaliah went through a time where she was getting sick for a month and a half at random times and I found that although it was gross and not something I wanted to deal with, I didn't panic and I did what I had to do. Also, a few months ago I started losing weight because of my anxiety attacks. They were making me vomit almost daily. I know that most of this was due to the hormones that relax the opening to my stomach but nonetheless, I saw myself get sick enough times to not have a massive panic attack when I feel ill. I have my moments however. I STILL cannot handle ANYONE ELSE getting sick. That one still gets me. The good news is that I feel confident enough now that I can follow through with the profession I've always wanted to do: Nursing. I know that in due time, my fear of others being sick will be taken care of as well as the rest of my fears. It's just a matter of working through the trauma's and letting God take down the strongholds guarding the fear and exposing the LIES that the enemy has tortured me with my whole life. I also know without a doubt, my phobia is generational. I am working on these things as well.
So back to the baby situation, this time around is going to be so different in so many ways. The most impact full is that my mom is moving back home to Oka, Quebec. She leaves at the beginning of July. As the date gets closer, I get more and more sad. My mom is leaving and I have no clue when I will see her again. I know she is not leaving ME, she is leaving because her home, her roots and her memories (even some good ones) are over there and this is going to make her happy. She has no family out here (except me and my brother) and she feels it's time to do something for herself. I am proud of her and happy for her...I've just never experienced my mom being more than a couple miles away. So she wont be there to see her Grandson being born and in her place I am having a Doula come in. A Doula is just a labour support person who does whatever she can to help you through. Since Damien spent almost the whole time laughing at me when I was in labour with Athaliah, I figure she might be of some use. Anyway, my mom didn't do much to help when Athaliah was born so I wouldn't expect much anyway, but the fact remains that it's hard when "mom" isn't there.
Other than that, I am very happy and looking forward to another baby. I love newborns! And no, I am not done having children. I'm going to take a break after this one, but I am not finished! I'm a mom, and that's just how it is.

Hope everyone else is doing well.
Love, Erin

Good things happen when you are obedient

2008-02-21T20:22:00.005-07:00

This is such a lame excuse but I haven't been writing because Athaliah has torn 4 keys off of my keyboard and they are irreplaceable at the moment. Three of them are keys I use often: The letters, A, U, and I. I have to constantly press the letter "I" just to get it to work once and so typing takes a while. This is why I haven't written, I need to have something to say and the time to write it. Tonight is a good time. I have an exciting story of obedience to tell. And some ways I have grown in such a little time. This is going to be long one guys.
So in 2005 I went to Lethbridge with my mother-in-law for a conference at that "Miracle Channel" studio. I don't remember anything that went on except that the first night, I saw someone healed right in front of my eyes for the very first time in my life. I was so amazed and excited. The next day after the conference was over, there was a BBQ outside. Brenda (my mother-in-law) wanted to say hi to her former pastor who was there whom she hadn't seen in 15 or 14 years. I went with her because she was too afraid to go alone. As she was talking I kinda stood in the background because I didn't know the guy, I didn't feel the need to stand there with her. All of a sudden he interrupts her and walks up to me and tells me he needs to talk to me. I didn't really understand why but, all right! So he just starts telling me all these things that he sees in me and starts to prophesy into my life! He started saying that he sees I am a nurse, and that I have this loving heart etc. Then all of a sudden his wife shows up beside me and starts repeating that God says I am a "treasure" and a "Jewel". I found this impact full because I had read a book called, "Laugh at the days to come." and it had said to not forget how much of a jewel I am. THEN! (this is the crazy part) another guy comes out of nowhere saying he feels this huge anointing on me that I am to have a healing ministry. I was like, "A WHAT? Do they realize I have never seen anyone healed until the night before?" Obviously not because the man praying for me, I found out, is a retired doctor who works in Africa doing his own healing ministry. I'm not an overly zealous person, but when this man put his hands on me and declared he was passing this ministry onto me, I felt a bolt of electricity go through my body and I almost fell over. I was so in shock from this unexpected event, I kind of took it in stride. Although I didn't have the heart to tell the poor doctor that he was mistaken and I was sorry in advance for letting him down. Let's just say, 3 years later it was ME who was very wrong. Nothing happened for about two years. Then in August of 2007 Damien and I were in Montreal, Quebec visiting friends and family. His friend's wife Lynn has been suffering from migraine headaches since her son was born about 24 years ago and lately it had been getting worse. She had heard the night before as we were talking about this prophesy that God has given me the gift of healing. So when we were alone the next afternoon she broke down in tears and asked me to pray for her. I was so nervous. People have jokingly asked before but I had never actually been faced with going ahead with it. Another thing is that I have NO CLUE how to pray for healing. I've heard Damien praying for people before but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Damien walked in with his friend at that moment and took over for me. As much as I was relieved, I felt that I should have taken care of it. Another clue that this encounter was for me, was that I had literally gotten a headache of the left side of my head. I never get headaches. Never. I didn't mention it because I thought it was just because I was thinking about it. I mentioned it to Damien on the drive back into the city and he told me that maybe God was showing me where the pain was. Either way this was the beginning of my journey and definitely a learning experience.
Basically since then, God has been developing this "gift" and taking me to the edge of my faith until I am looking over the cliff. Many more experiences have happened like this where I feel actual pain and when I address it to a crowd, there is always someone who stands up and says that it's them.
And so the cherry on top is this fantastic story that is unravelling as we speak. A few weeks ago Damien and I, along with Athaliah and our baby-to-be went to our church retreat in Canmore. The night we arrived was terrible. I was queasy as usual but...so was Damien. And when Damien is sick, that is it. I know what is coming. So as Damien spent the WHOLE night in the bathroom, I slept next door with some friends and the next day I spent most of it nursing Damien back to health. I'm going to make a long story short and tell you that a particular friend was there who suffers with severe Epilepsy. I have been feeling for TWO YEARS to spend a whole night praying for him with him there and other people and digging out roots and casting things out. Our friend Jason does not have medical epilepsy, where your brain is injured and has spasms leading to seizures. We know this because a couple years ago he had a seizure on a C-Train platform and fell onto the tracks breaking his jaw and a lot of his face. When I talked to him about this, he said it felt like something had pushed him. I was reminded immediately of the story of the boy with Epilepsy and was brought to Jesus whereupon the spirit in him threw him down trying to kill him. Other friends I have talked to feel the same way. SO, the second night in Canmore, God was telling me the next morning I was to stand up and confront the church and challenge them to pray for Jason. Every time our church gathers to pray for him, it is the routine "We have faith that you will be healed one day." I had had enough of it and so had God. He told me specific things to say and showed me a picture of Jason being healed. By the morning I was so stoked I could barely sit in my chair. I let my pastor know I had something to say and he told me he's let me know when I could come up and talk. SATAN TRIED SO HARD TO GET ME OUT OF THERE IT WAS PATHETIC! He tried twice. Once, Athaliah started screaming out of the blue like she was in the worst pain ever, I had to miss most of the message that was firing me up even more. When the enemy realised I wasn't leaving to take Athaliah to the hospital, she just stopped as abruptly as she started and was happy for the rest of the day. At the end of the service I still had not been called up and people were starting to get ready to leave! NOOO! I went to my pastor and said, "Have you forgotten about me? I really need to say this to Epic." He told me he didn't forget me but that maybe it was a better idea to just send out an e-mail or something. My jaw dropped and I fought back demanding to speak to the church. (I was quite surprised in myself but the spirit was on me and I wasn't going to stop) I got my chance. I let the church know that their in-action was unacceptable and that God was calling each and every one of them to that edge of their faith. I told them that because God had shown me a picture of Jason being healed, I had enough faith for all of them. And while I COULD pray by myself and maybe something could happen, He was calling the CHURCH to pray for him. I told them all they had to do was show up at a time and place that was set up and just pray for Jason for as long as it took. I also told them that if they didn't show up and Jason WAS healed (which he will be) they were going to feel rather stupid for missing out on an amazing miracle. I couldn't see much at this point because I was in tears, but when I had managed to look at everyone, I noticed there was not a dry eye in the house. NOT ONE. Our pastor suggested we pray for Jason then and there and then continue when the time and space was set up. Our church gathered around him and prayed for Jason for almost two hours! I was so proud of them. We all wept. Men and women, weeping for our friend and weeping from conviction. It was an amazing day.
It's also not over. In three weeks, our church is going to hold an all night prayer vigil for our friend Jason, and it's happening in the exact way God showed me. The picture I see is our sanctuary (which no longer has pews but folding chairs) and sleeping bags scattered about. I even see the colour blue as in random blue sleeping bags. And it's dark but there is a light on, and all of us are in the middle with Jason in the center of that. We are all sitting around him listening and praying and listening to Jason speak. And then I see something happen that is almost physical but not quite...Jason is healed and no one has to speak a word, we just all know somehow. That's all I see. Over and over. And it's going to happen in three weeks.
I was obedient to God's calling, I have listened to him as he shows me other people's pain, and now the biggest test of my faith is taking place right now. I have come to accept that I know nothing about healing and God has told me that is perfect for him...because I can never say it is me and I know it!
God showed me one other thing through this experience that I want to share. Stay with me because this is ERIN. This is the Erin God has made me to be and not the Erin other people have made me.
I was complaining before we went to Canmore because I felt that my church wasn't able to help me with the gifts God has given to me, and he hasn't provided me with a mentor to teach me about healing etc. Then on the drive home from Canmore God showed me that I don't actually need a mentor because HE has been mentoring and teaching me just fine. And also that there IS no one at Epic who can help me because I am the one being called to help THEM. In other words, God is telling me I am like Moses. Quiet, sorta shy, not a speaker at all, but then all of a sudden finds himself in the position of "leader" knowing nothing. That's me. God is calling me to be a leader in my church. I am the last person who thought it would be me. Surely Damien, the out spoken, carefree social person that he is, is the one who is called to that. Maybe, but as it stands, he is calling ME. I am going to mentor other people in the church and I am going to help other people see that they have gifts.

I am not the same Erin people used to know. Even since August I have dramatically changed and people who have only met me recently know me as really passionate and driven. That definitely wasn't me a year ago.
I like me. Not the new me, the me that was hidden behind everyone else's expectations. Jesus is so good. SO GOOD.

P.S If you would like to participate in praying for our friend Jason on March 8th and 9th, let me know and I will give you the details. It doesn't matter if you don't know him, the whole church of Christ is called to the same thing.

Bump Watch: 7 Weeks

2008-01-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

I think I am having twins. This is me currently. Seven weeks. I'm not even two months along. Other clues that lead me to think there are two is that tonight as Athaliah and I were dancing together, I leaked Colostrum. I've never heard of that except in the last trimester. The only way that could happen would be if there are A LOT of hormones surging through my body. Also, as queasy as I feel sometimes, I am SO hungry. All I can think about is food. Different kinds of food, how to make it, what I would eat if I could eat it. I'm currently craving Crepes. Mmmm, with lemon and icing sugar. See? I can't stop. I'm not complaining though, food is great. On the other hand...I think I am already gaining more weight than I normally would...which is another indicator. And look at my picture. Does that say anything?? And here is the big one, last night as I was trying for the millionth time to sleep, I suddenly felt butterflies in my stomach. At first I was like, "Hmmm, that's an interesting feeling of gas...kind of pleasant actually." and then...it didn't stop. And all day at random times I felt this flutter that goes from light to really strong! I don't understand though because according to all the medical thingy's, the baby is not supposed to start moving until 8 weeks or so. AND, currently the baby is supposed to be the size of a grain of rice. (I wonder...cooked or uncooked)? Mmmm, rice with butter and salt...

Sooo, IF there is possibly two, they have started sumo wrestling...cause I can seriously feel it!! I have never heard of this!! With Athaliah, I felt her move at around 10 weeks but I didn't know until someone told me. But I have a hard time believing I could feel anything this early. Who knows? I talked to my mom who has exerience in carrying twins (she's done it twice. My sister was a twin but her twin was miscarried, and then there is me and my brother). Mom said she was in maternity clothes at two months and the doctor knew something was up. So after explaining my symptoms to mom, she agreed that it is very likely and I need to get an early ultrasound. I've already been told by some people who suggest that perhaps my "dates" are wrong. The answer to that is, No they're not. I marked down on a calendar every month when my "friend" came to visit and I knew when I was ovulating...and Damien KNEW what HE was doing when I told him...and when my next period was due, I KNEW I was pregnant. So no, my dates are exact.

I am still trying to get a hold of my doctor who seems to be closed every time I call. Tomorrow I am going to try in the morning. I am dying for an ultrasound now!

My nose is still stuffy. It's getting worse. I heard that stuffy and bloody noses are common in pregnancy. Already I've had three nosebleeds brought on by Athaliah squeezing my nose while I "BEEP"ed at her. and of course my stuffy nose has been keeping me awake for the past two weeks.

Things are looking up though. I tried an experement that includes taking two Diclectin (nausea medicine) three times a day. It takes three hours for the medicine to start working so I take them at ten so that by one in the morning I am tired and relaxed and sleep better. Then I wake up and take them right away, which is usually at 10 in the morning, so that by one in the afternoon (around the time of Athaliah and I's nap) I sleep well, and then I take them at five in the evening so that I can get through my evening...and then again at 10 pm. So far it is working which means I feel well enough to keep eating and the more I eat, the less queasy I feel. Isn't it fantastic?

Alright, well, I've been hit with a creative idea for my Sims 2 game so I'm gonna go get it done.

Lemme know what you think! TWINS??? EH??

How Long This Time?

2008-01-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I'm here again. I said I would never do it again. I told myself I would not get myself into this AGAIN!! But here I sit, in bed, sick as I was last time. I know there is only one way out of this and it ends in painful labor. Yeah. I'm pregnant again. Oh man how it is different and yet so much the same. It's harder in some ways this time around. I have Athaliah who is my literal dream come true and I have this baby inside me who is causing mommy a lot of misery. When I wake up in the morning I am dizzy and unable to walk in a straight line but somehow I manage to get Athaliah from her crib and into her highchair. I feed her and then as I feed myself I let her cry. Then, I put her on the ground and take refuge on the couch while Athaliah whines and complains because I am not playing with her or taking interest in her mischief. I do this for as long as I can until THANK GOD! Three hours later it's finally nap time for Athaliah. She is cranky and rubbing her eyes. I immediately get her bottle ready and put her back in her crib and tell her I'll see her in a couple hours. Then I run to bed, get cozy, pray that Athaliah sleeps for like, three hours today, start to fall asleep...then realize I have to pee. Okay go pee and crawl back into bed and fall asleep. When I am jerked awake two hours later by Athaliah screaming, I get up, feed her lunch, put her back down and again, lie on the couch. I do this until Damien gets home and then I go to the bed. This is my everyday routine. I hate it. I WANT to play with Athaliah and take her for a walk or to the park on nice days. But I just can't. Everything is exaggerated for me because I am terrified of puking. When I was pregnant with Athaliah I was pretty miserable being in bed all day. Now I wish I had the option of being in bed because I can't unless Damien is home. I also have two jobs. I work as a photographer for Prairie Winds Photography and I DID have a contract for February but if I am this sick next month there is no way I can do it. And then there is my other job as a Financial Advisor for World Financial Group. I love both my jobs but I am sad that I can't even make it to either of them.
I also have a cold right now. My nose is completely stuffed and it has been this way for a week now. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I can't smell ANYTHING. That's great but I also can't taste anything...which came in handy yesterday because I made bacon but it was badly burnt. I ate it and I couldn't taste the charcoal. So it has it's moments. The only thing that bothers me is not being able to breathe in general especially at night when I want to sleep.
Oh yeah, and Damien thinks I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I am SO tired. All the time. Even before I was pregnant with Athaliah I was always tired. And now that I am pregnant with a one year old running around at the same time, I am even more tired than I ever was. This actually makes my nausea worse. If I had more energy I am sure I could handle the queasiness a lot better.
I am trying to stay positive through this but at the moment, it's hard. My hormones are erratic and my emtions are crazy. I can do it though. I am not dealing with the same things I was when I was pregnant with Athaliah. I still have anxiety but it's managable. I am not afraid like I was. I know when I absolutely need to lie down and I know when I can handle getting up and doing something productive. Last time, everything was terrible and I could never get out of bed.

I'm going to get through this again. I know this time that it will be okay. That the bad stuff wont last and I'll be happier when I have something to show for my trouble. Even though I have been feeling off for the past few days, I have no choice but to trust that God has me in his hands. I don't know if it's real, but my instints tell me there may be something wrong with the baby. I have been trying to get a hold my doctor but it hasn't happened yet. Until Monday I am just going to hold on and wait it out. That's all.

Oh yeah, and I hate my birds. I want to get rid of them. They annoy me to no end. I feel like I am going to rip my hair out if they poop on my couch one more time.

This is ME

2007-11-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

I want to say that I have been to some unknown tropical island in the middle of the ocean. I want to sing my heart out and not care who is listening. I want to be free to go anywhere whenever I want to. I want to have free evenings along with my weekends in my cell phone plan. I want to lay hands on people and see them become well with my very eyes. I want to lead just ONE person to Christ. I want to see Jesus in person. I want to meet John Mayer. I want to go somewhere romantic and beautiful with Damien. I want Damien to do something completely out of character but wonderful. I want Damien to make love to me under the stars. I want Damien to tell the world how wonderful and beautiful he thinks I am. I want Athaliah to grow up knowing that Jesus loves her more than her parents do. I want to master my Bass guitar. I want to record an album. I want to learn Arabic. I want to speak in an assembly of Jr. High students. I want to dress up completely gothic and preach the gospel just to see people’s expressions. I want to tell Athaliah that she CAN do whatever she wants in life until she is old and grey. I want to be the best mother that I can be. I want to change my appearance at the drop of a hat. I want to wear wigs more often. I want to figure out what make-up looks best on me. I want to learn how to create meshes and things for The Sims 2. I want to brush my teeth more. I want to care about sad things in the news. I want to wear my wedding dress again for a whole day. I want to go sledding down the hill I used to go down as a child. I want to find my friend Celeste from grade 4. I want to play the piano.
My favorite food is Pizza with extra cheese. My favorite colour is purple and red. My favorite game is Balderdash. My favorite movie is The Notebook. My favorite actors are Ryan Gosling and Dustin Hoffman. My favorite day is December 7th because that’s when Athaliah was born. My favorite thing to do is write songs and poetry. My favorite music is anything by Josh Groban and John Mayer. I love red roses. I love the smell of Vanilla candles because it reminds me of my childhood. I love Christmas lights but not Christmas. I love to give if I have anything to give. I love to spoil Athaliah with clothes and kisses. I love the story of The Little Mermaid. I love softly falling snow with no wind. I love to fill the car with gas because I love the smell of the gas station. I love east Indians and Arabs because they fascinate me. I love babies of all kinds. I love photography. My favorite picture of all time is a famous painting of Jesus. I love stained glass. I love the Victorian and Medieval era. I love to dress up. I love Diamonds more than Ruby’s and other jewels. I love to watch Sesame Street because Elmo is so darn cute. My favorite place to eat is the Crepery in Kensington. I can never get enough of the song “These Words” by Natasha Beddingfield. I love my brother so much it aches. I love to spend time with my Grandma because she is all I have left. I love watching Athaliah when she thinks no one is watching her. I love the smell of cinnamon. I love cheesecake. I love looking at people’s eyes. I like to stare at people when they walk past me. I like telling people that I think they are beautiful. I love Perez Hilton even though he is gay. I love The Chronicles of Narnia. I love shopping. My favorite plant is a Venus Fly trap. My favorite insect is a Ladybug. My favorite type of car is Volkswagen because it reminds me of my sister. My favorite doll is a porcelain doll named “Kathy”. I love my skin. I love my hair when it is done. I love to wear my glasses sometimes. I love to look in the mirror. I love to watch Damien sleep. I love Damien. I love having my picture taken.
I hate when people don’t listen. I hate when people talk about themselves more than anything else. I hate when people talk about me behind my back. I hate when people don’t tell the truth. I hate when people talk as if they understand Jesus but have no clue who he is. I hate when people say they have talked with Jesus but he’s “not for them” after all. I hate when I am rejected from anything. I hate when Rogers Video calls me to tell me my movies are late as if I had no idea. I hate telemarketers that wake up my baby who WAS sleeping. I hate being woken up in the morning. I hate school. I hate that the people who made fun of me growing up are no further in life than they were back then. I hate that sometimes good people die and bad people live happily. I hate that homelessness exists. I hate that people abuse their children. I hate that people care about nothing but themselves when they drive. I hate that strangers are afraid to talk to each other like they have the plague. I hate Strawberries and Blueberries because they make me barf. I don’t like birds. I don’t like long trips in the car. I don’t like Football. I don’t like any sport because I was rejected from every team growing up. I hate cigarette smoke because it gave my Dad cancer twice and he is still smoking. I don’t like being called on the phone more than once in one day by the same person unless there is a valid reason.

This is me. Hate me, love me or don't decide... but there should be no surprises anymore. I am who I am and I no longer care who thinks I should be different. This post was inspired by my best friend Nikayla who posted a similar note on Facebook. It totally made me think about who I am.

Let It Go

2007-10-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

I was thinking one day about all the people I wish I could say things to if I had the chance...and I was mad that those chances weren't happening because of them. My sister hates me and refuses to speak to me, my ex-boyfriend who I hurt badly and I want to apologize to him...he refuses to hear it...
My friend told me one day as I was explaining my frustration that the circumstances relating to those situations are not my fault. For instance, the fact that my sister wont give me the time of day, although I am involved in it, are not my fault but are a result of my sister's own hurt and emotional pain in the things that have happened in her life to lead to her not talking to me. It is her own issues that have made it hard for her to deal with things and the way SHE is reacts is not on me and is not for me to carry. I thought out of everyone who has ever given me advice, this made the most sense to me. It lifted that weight and I feel so much better.
So out this experience, a poem was born. The first part is me, and the second is God. Enjoy ;)

Holding onto the poison slowly killing me inside,
When will I let go of it; get it off of my mind?
What is it that makes me hold on? I'm running out of time.
It wont be long before it kills me and Lord, I don't want to die.

Take me by the hand and lead me away from this place,
It's dark and it's keeping me from fully seeing your face.
Take me to the water, where it's crystal clear and blue,
I'll drink deep of your love and grace, as long as I am with you.

This burdon is too heavy for me, I need to let it go.
It wasn't even mine to carry, so help me let it go.
Help me let it go, help me let it go.

Holding onto the poison slowly killing you inside,
When will you let go of it; get it off of your mind?
What is it that makes you hold on? You're running out of time.
It wont be long before it kills you and no, you don't want to die.

I'll take you by the hand and lead you away from this place,
It's dark and it's keeping you from fully seeing my face.
I'll take you to the water, where it's crystal clear and blue,
Drink deep of my love and grace, and then I'll be here with you.

This burdon is too heavy for you, you need to let it go.
It wasn't even yours to carry, so I'll help you let it go.
I'll help you let it go, I'll help you let it go.

-Erin

Update on the Moldova situation:
Remember those missionaries who live in Moldova? Well they just happen to be here...in Calgary and through my friend we arranged to have dinner with them. Dinner was tonight and my heart is encouraged!
I spoke with them and learned about what kind of things they do and life in Moldova etc. and now I know 100% that I have to go...and I know that God is making it happen.
I didn't even bring up my passion about sex trafficking but Jake (the male missionary) just started talking about his friend in Moldova who runs an organization called "Beginnings of Life" who specifically works to rescue women and children who have been trafficked from Moldova. And it just so happens that Moldova is the sex trafficking capitol. Not a good reputation but it is just very clear to me that I belong there. And so then I brought it up and told him how that is the stuff I want to be involved in. Unfortunately at the moment the organization is not getting enough funding to pay the people that work for them but the fact that it is happening is fantastic. So Jake said he would try and get me contacted with those people.
And so God is opening one door after another and I feel nothing but extreme peace about everything. NONE OF IT IS COINCIDENCE!! NONE OF IT!! I wasn't sure what good meeting the missionaries would do except to learn about the culture of Moldova (and indeed I learned) but it didn't take long for it to be revealed to me that meeting them and learning from them would not only be a very valuable asset and stepping stone, but also to gain connections to the heart of where I want to be. Never have I ever felt like this adventure is for real...and it's for me to do what God wants me to do. Remember also how I said that loving comes naturally and this is part of what I am called to do? Well Jake said that what they did over there was just love the people because that is all they wanted. And you know what? They didn't preach to them...they just loved them and so many have come to Christ because of their LOVE. That is exactly what Jesus wanted. And I am honored to be chosen to carry on that mission.
You guys get to sit and read about how this is developing. Isn't it exciting?? Watch how God is working. How he is opening doors and opportunity's. It's proof that if you are open to it, it will happen.
I have so much more to say but not enough time to type it. Maybe if you call me and set up a date...I'll tell you more! LOL.

Restless

2007-09-26T01:32:00.000-07:00

When I first met Damien he talked about wanting a woman that would follow him on great adventures. I was on board. I knew that it was something I wanted to do and I was excited for our life together. I would dream about the places we would go and how I would have pictures of him and I together from around the world. The thought that it would make me so happy to know I have been to faraway places with the man I love. And it will make me happy...when it happens.

So I have a story to tell. Most people know that when I had Athaliah I began to feel that my calling in life was to be a mother. Not just to my own children but to many, many children everywhere I go. And so last winter I met a man through connections with my church named John from Ireland. He has a home base there where people are sent out on missions all over the world, and listening to one of his stories, a particular country caught my attention. He told the story of the poorest country in Europe called Moldova. Most of the people living there are children. And over half of them are abandoned and orphaned. A lot of the young females are sent out of the orphanages at 16 or 17 to waiting vans of men who then traffic them for sexual exploitation (another thing I wanted to get involved with...not being trafficked but saving the kids). It is really a sad state. Anyway, since I heard of this country the children are all I can think about and I can't seem to get it out of my head. And lately I have been realizing that I am going crazy stuck inside the house all day with the same old routine, unable to drive anywhere (although I do drive illegally when I can't handle being cooped up anymore). I have been dreaming of going on an adventure...perhaps an adventure with Damien and Athaliah. And so I kept these feelings and thoughts inside and let them stirr in me until I became sad all the time. I became so sad that it started to affect how I felt about being married. Until I finally told Damien that I am restless and in need of something different. I told him it was time that we go somewhere. I told him how I really want to go to Moldova and maybe India because I've always wanted to wear a Sari. Damien agreed and talked over different scenario's but it didn't take long for me to realize Damien wasn't actually serious about it. It was a nice dream and all, but it probably wouldn't happen...so I was back to square one and the restlessness in me grew.

THEN! not even two days later I mentioned my growing restlessness to a friend who told me she had spent all of last summer in Moldova with some missionary friends!! It was so neat to hear because hardly anyone has ever heard of Moldova. That was all she told me, but somehow it made me happier.

The next day Damien went to church (and I slept cause we were up until four in the morning watching 24) and he had talked with our friend just randomly about it. Turns out there was more to the story. He came home and told me that not only did our friend spend all of last summer there, but that her missionary friends are looking to retire and are currently looking for a young couple to replace them!! As soon as he told me my spirit rose and my heart jumped. I had a feeling God was doing something! I didn't (AND STILL DON'T) think it is a coincidence that all this happened in a matter of days. I got so excited I started babbling to Damien about something along the lines of, "That's us Damien! That's for us! Let's go!" And then Damien, with a completely straight face started talking logically (who DOES THAT?) and went on about debt and planning and how this and that is in the way etc. AND how HE was prophesied over about how he shouldn't just walk through any door that is opened or something like that.

I then got mad. Mad because this was something I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, somewhere I KNOW I am supposed to go, and Damien, who by the way, always wondered what I would do if God wanted us to just "pick up and go" and here I am wanting to go and there is Damien making up excuses and using prophesy as reasons to NOT go anywhere. I was mad because it seems like I have always shadowed other people's dreams and other people's callings and I have yet to fall into my own dream and calling. And I was mad because it seemed yet again that I would have to give up my adventure so Damien could go on being comfortable and go on being afraid of change even though in his own heart he longs to be called away to a faraway place.

And so I cried. I cried in anger and sadness and disappointment and every sad emotion out there. And then I prayed because I knew that this adventure IS going to happen and I saw it in my mind. I saw myself with Damien and Athaliah on a plane heading to Moldova. I knew that this was MY adventure and it had to happen with or without Damien there. As I prayed I felt that God was telling me that this IS my adventure and it IS going to happen. I felt him say, "You hold onto that faith, and let me deal with Damien." Oh and I was happy again! I knew that God would set it right if it was meant to happen!

And then the next morning I talked with Damien about everything again. I told him that I knew he didn't feel pulled to leave but that I felt it, and my restlessness had a reason. I asked him if he would come even if the adventure wasn't for him (because before this he believed that any adventure was for him and not me.) I told him that I have my own story too and that I deserve to respond to the pulling. He agreed. He also agreed to pray about. And I was thankful.

Well he DID pray about it and guess what? Good ol' Faithful God has done what he said he would. He is working on Damien. He (Damien) has agreed to have faith about where God wants us and he is now working on our spending habits so we can pay off our debt so we can be free to go! Did you hear that? I AM GOING!!! I AM GOING ON MY ADVENTURE AND I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY CALLING AND MY DREAMS AND MY DESTINY!! It's finally happening and my heart is so full of Joy! I knew God would do it. I KNEW that I have to go.

Now Damien believes that this is going to take a few years but I don't think so. I see it happening much sooner than he thinks. I don't care anymore because at least now I know it is in motion. I know God is going to do it. When I was waitng and begging to be made well from my anxiety, it took two years of torture to get to where I am today. It doesn't seem like a lot on the grand scale but going through it felt like forever. After that ordeal I have a lot patience and trust that God will do what is best. I have a lot of faith because of what I went through. The whole time God showed me pictures of who I was going to be when it was all over. I thought at first it was a tease but I didn't let go and I am looking more and more like that person he showed me everyday.

So I will hold onto that picture of me on the airplane heading to Moldova. It will happen and I can't wait.

I am telling you. Have faith. No matter how long it takes I promise it is so worth it in the end. The experience will be richer and brighter and better than anything you can imagine than if you had cheaped out and gone your own way. No one knows what is best more than the one who created you and he delights in giving his children the desires of their hearts...which just so happens to be HIS heart. My heart speaks the language of love. For some it is other things. Stuff that comes naturally. Damien speaks the language of teaching. Passing on knowlege and information comes easy to him. It does not for me. I like to love. I love to hold people in my arms and cry with them. I love to take people's hands and pray with and for them. I love to speak encouraging words to broken people. I love to cuddle my child until she can't stand it. My language is love, and so if you are a Christian (and even if you are not!) please pray that this dream and calling can be fulfilled in whatever way it is meant to. Whether it means travelling abroad or staying home. Please pray that God will place Damien and our family wherever it needs to be and that I will find fulfillment in whatever task I am given. I love being a mom, and it would bring me so much joy to travel to Moldova to love all those abandoned and (supposed) unloved children.

For now, Erin.

Nature Scares Me

2007-09-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

I love children...especially mine. I love babies and I always have but for once in my life I am scared of the thought of another one coming from me...literaly. Okay maybe not labour because if it's just as quick as last time I can handle it...but the thought of being sick for nine or more months makes me want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
A couple weeks ago I went off of birth control. I didn't mean to but I ran out and just haven't been able to make it to the doctors yet...and now it seems like I wont need to. Going off of the pill has been kind of crazy. All of a suddon my hormones are going wonky and one minute I want a child RIGHT NOW and then the other minute (which I believe is my heart...or maybe just logic) says, "NOOOOOO...NOT YET...ACTUALLY MAYBE NOT EVER!" The reason I feel "not ever" is because I am a narrow minded parent with one child and eyes for only that one child. My heart wants Athaliah and only her but I know deep down that I want more children. I just LOVE her sooo much and I feel that I would be almost betraying her to have another one...(sound nuts?) Also, I would feel terrible if I were to be sick again and I was unable to pour into my favorite little human being on earth, the way that I should. I feel that it would be unfair to her. Please tell me this is normal! AHHH!
So Damien and I were discussing the thought of more children and I told him that it was going to have to be his decision because I am incapable of making a rational one. Damien's mom warned him that as soon as Athaliah stops breastfeeding I am going to want another one. And sure enough to my surprise, my maternal instinct is starting to tell me that it is time to have more. Athaliah is only interested in breastfeeding at night...and as a result I am almost completely dry. I was talking with Damien though about the fact that "what if I get sick and then Athaliah is neglected?" and Damien calmly responded, "Well it may be harder on her when she is older." and so the question just became, "Do we want to have another child sooner or later?"
A part of me is up for the adventure and craving that feeling of being needed and wanted by "mommy" and another part of me loves what Athaliah wants from me and loves what I have and is content with that. I guess I just cant imagine loving anyone BUT Athaliah and I know at least that that is a normal feeling.
Damien said to me, "Erin if we leave it up to me, we will never have more because I can never plan things and I am not good at making decisions of that sort." And of course I am not good at it either because from one minute to another I cant make up my mind. The truth is I am terrified and at the same time I am trying to control the whole thing. I know God doesn't WANT me OR Damien to control anything. And so Damien and I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, we should let nature...or God decide when we are to have another child.
That was a scary moment. Leaving it up to God. Why does that scare me? Maybe because I KNOW he is in control. And maybe that means he is going to make me face my fears, and maybe he knows in 20 years I am going to laugh at the fact that I was so scared.

So to sum it up, Damien and I have decided to let God decide when our next child is going to make it's appearance on earth. We have decided that nature is better at making decisions than we are and we don't even think that people should even use birth control. However I don't want eight kids so there is a limit. I am going through this next phase in our life completely trusting on God and relying on him to help me through any trials or fears it may bring me. But I do have to say one thing, it is such a great feeling to make such a HUGE decision together with both of us completely aware of what we are doing. Athaliah was a surprise. A wonderful surprise but she wasn't planned between us, and now, we are in it together. We are both very clear of eachother's expectations and if it so happens (which I don't doubt is going to happen) that I get pregnant, we wont be shocked or upset, but our trust in God will just increase and we will lean on him to show us what to do next.

I am scared. Nope, I am terrified and completely unsure of the future, but my heart is excited and looking forward to the adventure. Besides, I am meant to be a mom to many, and some of them should be mine I think.

I'll Do It MYSELF!!

2007-09-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, if no one gives you a helping hand, you just gotta pick it up and do it yourself. I am of course, referring to the Bass guitar. It has been a desire of mine to learn the Bass for a while but I discarded the thought because I was having a baby and I thought I would never be able to do anything ever again. I am so happy I picked it up again. I asked my husband what the credit limit was on our Visa and I headed to the best guitar store in the city. I almost immedietly saw the one I wanted and I didn't even care what the price tag was. (you gotta look at it as an investment...if your serious about something like that, you cant be cheap). So I was in the store for all of...ummm...maybe half an hour and then I was heading home to plug it in. However...I had NO IDEA how to play. I have never in my life ever even touched a Bass before I held mine (which I nicknamed "Precious" by the way) in my hands. I don't know chords, I don't know notes, I don't know squat. This was two weeks ago. Ummm, and now, my fingers tips are numb (this is not too bad because my baby is teething and she likes to bite my fingers...and now it doesn't hurt!) and I know the chords, and the notes, and I've been listening to all my favorite songs and playing more by ear than anything. My songs of choice are anything by John Mayer. Although this is not the wisest choice because I JUST started and John Mayer's stuff is a little advanced. But I figure, you can only be as good as your teacher, and if John Mayer's music is teaching me, I am in good hands. (no pun intended if you got that).

So yay for me! This is one life dream I can scratch off of my list and move onto the next one. I have been trying to practice as much as I can but I am constantly wanted by my daughter, my husband, my friends and I can never seem to find any time to myself. (all the mothers are replying "Tell me about it"). But if you are truely passionate about something, you aren't going to let a little, "Erin, your child just fell hard and smacked her head" or, "Erin, I think you are hawt when you play your Bass. Do you think you can meet me in the bedroom in 5? Oh, and bring the guitar", or even "Erin, your child hasn't eaten all day, are you going to feed her anytime soon?" get in your way of something you want. And I want to learn and master the Bass guitar. (Please don't call social services on me, I assure you my child is well fed and the bruises on her head were a result of Damien watching her...or not watching her)

And so with my Dad constantly watching over my shoulder as I screw up and then interrupting me with how well HE can play it on HIS electric guitar, I push on in my quest to master the Bass. I will contunue to play until maybe one day when my dream of playing with the legend that is John Mayer is realized (it's JUST a dream, I am sure of that one) I will just play and play and play until my fingers fall off. And maybe I'll sing too cause I can do that.
My heart is satisfied every time I look over at my Precious. The smooth wood showing every detail of the grain, the black body with a burst of red in the middle dotted with my fingerprints here and there (very lonvingly placed I assure you) and every string set to the right tune. Ahh the joys of being infatuated with a new instrument.

And so I head off to bed with the tune of plucking Bass notes from "Slow dancing in a burning room" in my head, and imagining myself on stage with everyone relying on me and the drummer to bring the beat. John Mayer, you are a good teacher, and Damien, your Visa is a good credit card, and Oh my Precious, you are a great Bass guitar.

Good Night.

In an odd state of mind.

2007-08-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

So...I'm in a strange mood today. I feel annoyed with a bunch of different things. I just feel like I need to vent out some of it. To start, I feel annoyed that I am in the middle of other people's mess. I went away to Montreal for two weeks and it was wonderful. I didn't have to give a rip about anyone but the people I was with and it wasn't burdensome at all. I come home and the very first day there is a load of other people's problems waiting for me. What the heck? Do I have sign on my forehead that says "counsellor"? I mean, I geuinelly care about my friends but sometimes...sometimes I honestly feel like I could care less. Deal with your crap yourself. Stop putting it all on me. I have my own problems and my family's problems to deal with. If I am not the only person you are talking with, fine, I would be glad to help you out, pray for you, give you advice...but if it all comes on top of me, forget it. It's too heavy. Not only that, I am 22 years old. What experience do I have where I can give any advice at all? Come back when I am 75 and I may be a wise women then. I got home on Monday afternoon and I was jet lagged until Tuesday night...I not only had no time to deal with people's problems, I was too tired to even care. I don't feel bad about that because I am human. I can only take so much. The same goes for me. I don't pour everything onto one person and expect them to get me out of the mud. I do go to some people to ask for prayer, for a break from my baby, to vent frustrations...I go to God to beg...haha...to ask for help and strength and wisdom, but I would feel so bad if I were to zone in on one person and dump everything that life has dealt me and said, "There, sort it out for me. I'll be back tomorrow night to pick up the results." How terrible!! You know, the truth is, I do love to help people and give them advice to the best of my abilities, but the fact is, most people who come to me for advice let me talk my face off and agree with me, but turn around and act like they haven't heard a word I said. Then I feel disrespected and I feel like I just wasted my time. If you need a sounding board and someone to listen, great, I'll listen. But if you come and ASK me what to do, I am going to tell you what I think so don't throw my words away like it was nothing. If you are not going to care about what I say, then don't come to me. Oh yeah, and one more thing: Don't lie to me because the next time you come to me for advice, I wont be there.

On to the next thing: I can't believe how much I still need validation from the opposite sex even after I am married!! I am a little peeved at myself for this. Why should I care what other people, especially men, care about me and what I look like???? I went to the Josh Groban concert on Wednesday night. It was fantastic. I ran up to the front of the stage and he touched my hand as he went by. I felt like a little girl but I am telling you it felt good. My adrenaline was pumping and my heart was racing and I got all goose pimply when he touched my hand. Why? Instead of enjoying the fact that I was mere feet away from an amazing vocalist and great looking guy, I was analyzing that fact that I was acting like he was a god. I was asking myself why I cared so much that he touched me, when he is just a guy. A regular guy with a fantastic voice. I am not obsessed with him. I don't follow him from city to city. But I felt myself putting him on this high pedistal and almost worshipping the ground he performs on. I do silly things like wonder if he cares what he wears the next day, and which girl he remembers from that specific city he was in. And in the not-so-back-of-my-head I wonder if it could be me. I HAD to meet him. I saw him singing autographs and I went over there to where he was and waited for him to come by me and sign my ticket. He looked at me and I looked away. I LOOKED AWAY!!! WHY??? And why do I care either way?? I didn't even say hi. I just got all flustered and handed my ticket to him for him to sign. He messed up on it and said, "oops" and I made him resign it on the back...all the while I looked down. For some reason this makes me mad. I wanted to make eye contact with him because I wanted to feel like he was putting my face into his memory banks as one of the good looking girls from Calgary. Why does it matter to me? I have a husband who loves every bit of me that makes regular eye contact with me on a daily basis. Not only that, he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he knows. I am at the front of his mind and I remeber when he touched my hand and I would get goose bumps. What is this? Is this normal or is this part of my sinful nature to put regular people on pedistals? I know part of it is our culture. We put people in the spotlight and tell everyone they are worthy of our worship, and most people go with it. I am thankful I am not a part of that but it's sooo easy to put them high up on our list. I haven't resolved anything in my mind, but this is something I am dealing with at the moment. It's kinda made me upset because now the memory I have of meeting Josh Groban is mixed with guilt for loving him too much.

Anyway, despite all that I had a lovely time in Montreal with all my friends and family. We went shopping a lot and drove a lot. I got lots of great pictures and if you have facebook you can check them out there. It's all jumbled in my mind of all the stuff I did but I am home and I am attempting to put my house back in order and establishing an appropriate routine for Athaliah now that she eats solids three times a day and crawls everywhere. She did all this while we were away. It's interesting now how I can call her and she crawls to me. I feel loved by her and I could squeeze her and hold her all day. Speaking of which I think I am going to hold her close and breastfeed her while I still can. It seems she is beginning to ween herself off of my breast. *tears* I suppose my little baby has to grow up sometime.

Love for everyone who reads my blog.
-Erin

Click The Image And Watch ---->

2007-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

I watched this video last night and it broke my heart. Especially the little girl who chose the white baby as opposed to the black one. She is an adorable little girl and already at such a young age, she believes she is bad, that her colour is bad, that her skin is bad. White=good, Black=bad. How on earth did it come to this? Why has it come to this? Who has told her poor little spirit that she belongs to the "bad" people? I almost cried watching this. Why all the discrimination? Why do we have to be racist? There is nothing wrong with differnt skin colours! I think black people are beautiful. For us white folks to think that we are superior in any way is nothing short of evil. The whole documentary is fantastic but the part with the children picking which doll the prefer, grabs me and holds me there. I haven't been able to get those images out of my head. These are the things that prompt me to pray on my face and cry for their spirits. I cry for the world who think they have the right to choose who is better. I think of the song by Casting Crowns called, "If we are the body" and in the bridge it goes, "Jesus payed much to high a price for us to pick and choose who should come." HOW TRUE!! So what makes us think that we have any rights to other human beings at all?? We don't! Aw but it bothers me so much to think that our society says that black people among others, are bad. Really, I feel ashamed because it seems that the white people are the bad ones. I belong to the "bad" colour. It's been the white people who have enslaved people of different colours, who have kicked the natives off of their land. I am native but my skin is white. I am just as much a part of this image.
I think if we really knew Jesus, if we really knew God...like KNEW him, these things that concern us, the colour of skin, who occupies which piece of land, who is smarter etc. would be so irrelevent! There is so much more important things to worry about! ALL humans are sinful no matter what colour we are.
So the most disturbing thing about this whole thing is that, that adorable little girl is going to grow up believing she is "bad" and somehow unworthy. The fact that she ALREADY thinks this, is so heart breaking. I imagine Jesus' heart is sad for children everywhere who feel that way. I look at my baby girl and she is so innocent and beautiful. If she ever came to me and said she felt "bad" or "unoworthy" or somehow not proud of who she is, it would make me so sad. Jesus loves all of his children...no matter the colour.
What are your thoughts on this eye opening documentary?

If You Want Me To

2007-05-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear,
And I don't know the reason, why you brought me here,
But just because you love me, the way that you do,
I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step,
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet,
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you,
Then I will go through the fire, if you want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen,
When you lead me through a world that's not my home,
But you never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself,
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help,
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through,
And I will go through the valley, if you want me to.

-Ginny Owens

I feel like that has been my theme song for the past two years. It has become a song very close to my heart. I was reading in my journal last night, and there is a reoccurring theme throughout, "God, do whatever it takes, I just want to be close to you". I knew this was a scary thing to ask because I knew he would do it. And so I was not surprised when I started going through intense anxiety and things of the sort, because not only did I ask for it (not the anxiety necessarily, but the cleansing of my soul and mind etc.) but I also KNEW that although it sucked...and it REALLY did, I knew that when I came out of it, I was going to be so much of a better person because of it. And I am. I am so much more passionate about the things I believe, my faith has increased beyond what I ever thought, and my love for Jesus and my intimacy with him is so tight that words are not even necessary between us a lot of times. I was miserable through the whole thing and my marriage went through a very trying time, but at the same time, I kept telling Damien that there was a reason I was going through it, and that it will all be worth it in the end. I was right...well God was right. And Damien although impatient, has seen and IS seeing the fruit of my sufferings. Being on the other side now, I rejoice in them. Going through it, I cried, whined, and begged for it to end. And now everything smells sweeter. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the colours are far more vivid then they were. Yeah, I'm different. And I wouldn't change any of the hard times for anything.
God takes you through the fire and it burns and hurts so bad so you scream in agony for it to stop. And JUST when you think you are going to die and you can't handle it anymore, he gently takes your hand, pulls you from the heat and sends the most refreshing cool rain you have ever felt. I feel like right now, I am standing in the rain. At first I was looking at him and asking, "Why? Why all of this?" and now I look in the mirror and back at him and I know why. I don't know how to explain it other than seeing layer after layer of dead skin, or dead weight that I've been carrying around, just fall off all around me. Like a beautiful ruby (cause I like red) covered in a thick chunk of mud, and seeing it break off and wash away to reveal this raw stone. Once it's shined and polished, it's almost too beautiful not to stare at it. It draws you in. That's me. When you are put into a position where you can't even get out of your bed because you are so afraid and so anxious...it makes you forget the things you previously thought were important. I remember just thinking to myself, that people who walk down the street lost in their own thoughts, were so lucky because I couldn't even do that. I remember wishing I could walk into my front yard and smell the flowers without feeling anxious. Everything fake that used to matter to me, was no longer important and the only thing that mattered was Jesus.
I am standing in the rain. I love being cooled off after going through intense heat. It's so healing and refreshing. I was patient. I was in pain but I prayed and hung on. I kept my eyes focused on Him, I kept walking, He kept refining and peeling back the layers, and the deeper it got, the more painful. But underneath, not even I was expecting to find the true Erin. Jesus said to me, "See? That is the Erin I created." and I sit here writing this in confidence that yes, this is the Erin he created.
So indeed, "If all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will go through the fire, if you want me to".
Praise Jesus for fire, but most of all for the rain that comes after.

My First One!

2007-05-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

This is my first post! Woo Hoo! It's really late and I am up talking to a friend on MSN and checking my facebook. Athaliah is sound asleep and Damien is next to me almost snoring. Laptops are great for sitting in bed and writing. I think the best at night. You know how people say that their best thoughts come while they are on the toilet? Nope, not me. Right here, in bed, late at night...this is where my best thinking comes. I get a chance to reflect on the events of the day, reflect on things people have said to me and things I have said in return; I love unwinding and thinking about what I would have done differently that day, what I should have worn, how I could have done my hair (I love thinking of new ways to put it up) and I love simple things at night. Everything is quieter at night. Not as many cars, people are sleeping, The air is cool and fresh...

I especially love warm summer evenings. For some reason they remind me of trips with my family to B.C and hanging out with my aunts and uncles and cousins in Kamloops. Damien said something not too long ago that is very true: I can take almost anything and it will remind me of something about my childhood. Yes, a lot does remind me of those days because those days were very good. I had a crazy happy childhood and I am proud of this, so every so often you will notice me going back there...it doesn't take me much. But the night time air does smell so deliciously sweet doesn't it? Is it because all the cars are asleep in their garages and the smell of nature is allowed to press through finally? If it smells so good now, think of Eden. How wonderful those plants and flowers would have smelled...unharmed by pollution and other bad things. Aw man, the grass would be a colour of green we cannot imagine and the dirt would be so rich we would be proud to come from it's dust. The fruit and everything they ate would be so full of flavour we would easily stuff ourselves full of it all. And to think we could have a perfect relationship with the one who created it all. The one who would taste sweeter than the fruit he created. And one day...I'll be back there...with Him...my creator. This reminds me of something from my childhood...KIDDING, kidding. But it could if I thought about it more...haha.

So lately I have been feeling so close to Jesus and I have barely slowed down long enough to speak with him. But for some reason, at this time, that is okay. I feel his presence a lot...even right now as I write. I feel like everytime I begin to think about him, this door opens and his presence comes upon me and it almost makes me sleepy. I guess it's just this overwhelming peace. And I love when I look into my daughter's eyes because frequently I see him inside of her...glowing and full of energy...but not tiresome energy...it's more like purity and joy. Yeah. Joy. And I can see her soul is so pure. I love that word: pure.

Anyway, I hope all who read find encouragement and whatever else they need. I love poetry and I love to write it...so don't be surprised to see lots on here.

So here we go!

Love, Erin