Hello my few faithful readers, I hope you are all well and NOT suffering from any flu so serious that it takes your life or the life of those around you. I heard last week that a man my age and someone I went to High School with, just passed away from the H1N1 virus. So sad. I don't have the flu. Instead I believe I have a case of Laryngitis. My upper airway is on fire and I have completely lost my voice. Some people are enjoying my silence!! HAHA.
Anyway, I am writing with an update to my last post. Since writing it, I opened up to the women I have a book study with about the trauma I am dealing with and the anger and the hurt and the demonic visits (night terrors) I was experiencing. I say "demonic visits" because one of the ladies prayed and felt that it was not my brain experiencing these things but an actual demon terrorizing me. That didn't help my sleep. The night I wrote my last entry was the night I opened up to the women in my group. Unfortunately, the demonic activity increased THAT night until Sunday when our church had two guest speakers. Their names are Mac and Louise. They have worked with Jackie Pullenger in Hong Kong and own no home. They just travel from here to Kelowna to Hong Kong and all over. So they were at our church speaking. When they were done they began to pray and minister to our congregation. Louise zeroed in on me. Damien felt during the service that I should tell Mac and Louise about my trauma afterwards but I was unsure because I've opened myself up before (at Entheos healing retreat through Ellel ministries) and was very disappointed at the lack of prayer for it. But the more I thought of it, the more I felt that I should...only because I was desperate for prayer from the night terrors and to explain the reason behind them, I had to explain what happened to me.
ANYWAY, Louise came up to me (my head was in my hands already...feeling the spirit all over the room) and before she even touched me she said, "WOW. I can tell that you are a very amazing person." Which made me sob. She touched my shoulder and said, "Erin, I feel that MANY people have taken advantage of you." Loud sobbing. "Wow, it's been hard and painful hasn't it?" Nodding and crying harder. She allowed me to cry and prayed that Jesus' spirit would come and wrap himself around me and hide me. I was aware of just me, Louise and Jesus. Louise said to me, "Erin Jesus wants you to know that he is right here. He's RIGHT here." And I cried harder, knowing that it was true because I felt him. She said to just let him hold me and allow him to heal my pain at that moment. I don't think she said anything for a while but I do remember God saying that he KNEW my pain and what I was going through and that he was going to stay close to me and be with me. After some time, Louise said that she sensed some father wounds. I nodded. She then said that after seeing me with Endon during the worship, she felt that Endon was going to heal those wounds my father gave me. She said that he was still too small to really heal them yet but that God was already beginning to heal me using Endon. I cried hard all over again because Endon and I have a super special bond after his ordeal last December. Louise kept repeating how amazing I was and shaking her head. I don't know how I knew this because I was just sobbing into my hands. When I felt that my aching had subsided I looked up to see that I was surrounded by all my male friends in the church! There was a semi-Circle around me that included Damien and they were all praying with Louise for me. I felt that I needed to share my story with her but I was nervous because of all the men surrounding me. None of them knew anything. I began, and as I progressed, one of my friends, Andrew, began shaking and crying. I was too nervous to see what the rest were doing. I then told her about my night terrors and how they were getting worse. She told me that because we were so close to Halloween, the spiritual activity was really prevalent. She prayed a rather quick prayer over me and then said she had to go but that it was then up to Damien as the head of the household to pray over his wife for as long as it takes. But before she left she got my phone number and told me she was going to call me the next day to check up on me.
As promised I got a call from Louise the next day and I happily reported no night terror the night before. In my mind though I didn't think it would last because I didn't get them every day anyway. And so that night Damien prayed over me and I prayed over myself just to be safe and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning having had no night terror. As of now, November 14th, I have not had a single night terror. I am so thankful to God because now that this annoyance is out of the way, I can focus on proper healing.
I find it amazing how when we are dealing with something at the present time, God brings people, situations and random things into your life exactly when you need it. Damien and I go to our church every Tuesday evening for a class based on the YWAM (Youth with a mission) DTS course called "Quest". For the past few weeks it's been dealing with forgiveness and different things surrounding "cataracts" and other things that keep us from seeing the Kingdom properly and also God Himself. Two weeks ago I acknowledged that I have not truly forgiven my brother-in-law for what was done to me. I admitted (without going into any detail) that I was severely angry and still dealing with that anger. Last week we discussed wounds that our fathers have caused that may make us look at God in a certain way. I again admitted my anger and unforgiveness but we left it at that because it was too much for me to get into. All this to say, I have been feeling like God is really wanting me to deal with this anger as soon as possible. I know I can't truly forgive my brother-in-law until I deal with the anger aspect. I even had a dream this afternoon of my sister (go figure) and her husband was there. I picked up a bunch of rather large rocks and threw them at him and called my sister names I will not repeat here. On one hand I see that my anger is not good but on the other hand, finally admitting it has helped me come to grips with the anger and has motivated me to rid myself of it. And I love how God KNOWS me! He knows what I am going through! I met again with the ladies for our book study and one of them pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me, explaining that she had a word for each of us. I read it, and it blew my mind. This is what it said,
"Erin, strength, courage, boldness does not come without a price. You may be mocked and you may be slandered, but know that I am with you and you are walking in My will, doing what I ask, no matter the cost. Whether you be rejected, I will be with you; they will be rejecting Me too. So come to Me to receive the acceptance and healing you need. It's OKAY to be angry, but do not sin in your anger for the enemy will try to get a foothold in your life with it. Take your anger to Me and I will give you peace beyond your circumstances. Bless those who curse you. Do good to those who hurt you. Shine my light above your circumstances. Not in your strength, but in MINE."
I was speechless. I am meditating on these words and I am slowly coming to a place where I am ready to take this head on, unwavering and firm. It's time and I am almost ready. I want to be free of this trauma and all it's stages before I die or before Christ comes back. I don't want to sin, and I don't want to be angry. That's all there is to it. If I ever have a hope of being like Jesus or even like Brother Lawrence, I have to rid myself of anything that does not glorify God. Anger to the point of sin is definitely one of those things that need to go.
And so, with all this revelation and the knowledge that I am not alone...I am trudging into territory I've never been. It's the territory of standing up for myself and letting the anger goooooooo. Like actually letting it OUT of me. I believe it will feel good. And I know the process will be painful but I also believe that I will overcome it. In fact, I know I will.
So with no voice I leave it at that. My next post will be regarding my recent week long trip to Montreal! Ohhh I am so excited to share it with you!
Love always, Erin B.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Boogieman or something like it
I'm not going to fool around tonight. I'm just going to get to the point. I know what I need to do be doing; I'm on the way there, but I'd like to share my night time terror with you. I am not sleeping at the moment (obviously) because I am scared.
Most of you who read my blog know that my sister and I are estranged. The details are unimportant but the events surrounding this seperation have deeply wounded me and unfortunately have also traumatized me. I've been told recently by a counsellor friend that I most likely have "Post traumatic Stress Disorder". The definition is: "A normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma (a painful, shocking, experience such as rape, war, natural disaster) that is outside of a person's normal life experiences." The common symptoms include:
-Anxiety (check)
-Insomnia (check)
-Irritability
-Feeling numb (I was there at the beginning of my trauma)
-Survivor guilt (or just...guilt? Check)
-Nightmares/Night terrors (HUGE CHECK AND TONIGHT'S TOPIC)
-Restlessness
-Fear that "something bad will happen" (Check and also related to night terrors)
-Avoiding anything that reminds the person of the incident
-Recurrent memories/Flashbacks of the trauma (CHECK)
-Difficulty concentrating or focusing
-Feeling "on guard" all the time (Check)
-Lack of interest in friends and/or family
-Jumpiness - especially around loud or sudden noises
-Suicidal Thoughts (WAS there...not there anymore thank GOD)
-Blames themselves (Check...but I am working on it)
-May suffer from Depression (Check...but that's being dealt with)
-Feeling as though they are "going crazy" (Check, and also related to night terrors)
-Difficulty sleeping (YA' THINK?!?!?)
Post traumatic Stress Disorder also comes in stages and it is said that the person suffering from it can revert or go forward many times.
-Denial that the incident had any effect on their lives.
-Fear it will happen again (for me it did...so...double whammy)
-Feel sad because of a loss of their ability to trust in people, or places. (Sad would be an understatement)
-Anger at what happened (That's where I am at right now...)
-Anxiety over the nightmares or flashbacks that may intrude on the life of the person.
-Feel as if a part of themselves died during the traumatic event. ("Died" is also an understatement).
So now you know a bit about where I am coming from when I write from my inner emotions and fear. ONE of my biggest struggles is that I am having what you would call a "Night Terror", which is different from a Nightmare in that a night terror happens when you are in Deep sleep and you are awoken to the event and a nightmare, like all other dreams, happen during REM sleep when it's easiest to be woken up. You get your rejuvinating rest when you are in Deep sleep. So you can imagine why the nights I DO experience a Night terror, are the nights I don't get much proper rest.
This is how it's been going, not since the Trauma itself happened, but when the fallout with my sister took place. Odd huh? Up until I dealt with my sister, I was in complete denial and only when I started talking about what happened, did I begin to go through these different stages and feel things I didn't feel before.
So a typical night where I have these horrible experiences begins with me (obviously) going to sleep at night. From my perspective, I "wake-up" and see a completely black shadow...or sillouette of a man standing at the foot of the bed on MY side holding a knife in the air ready to drive it into my body and kill me. I usually scream, grab my blankets and cover my face and cry out for Damien like my life depends on it. And usually in my mind, it does. When Damien wakes up to see what is wrong I fully wake-up and realize there is NOTHING THERE. I see that there is no danger and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I immedietly go back to sleep as though Damien is the crazy one. Other nights I wake up thinking that Damien is about to fall off the bed so I will frantically grab at him and try to save him when the whole time he is innocently sleeping next to me without a clue as to WHY I am clawing at his poor body!! This also happened when the kids were REALLY small babies. Sometimes I would put them to sleep in the middle of our bed and in the middle of the night I'd think that they were on the edge of Damien's side of the bed when either they are in the middle sound asleep or in their own bed.
I used to only get them a couple times a month, these night terrors. But recently since the anniversary of me "losing" my sister is upon me, I've been getting them about 3 times a week. That's 3 times a week I am losing some serious deep sleep.
From the outside person, to see me have a night terror, it would probably look just like it does in the movies. I sit bolt upright, probably with my eyes closed, scream, grab my blankets and hide, wake myself up from the screaming and immedietly fall back asleep. All within less than a minute and MAYBE in less than 30 seconds. I imagine it would look pretty funny actually...but it scares the junk out of me.
I have nightmares and flashbacks but they don't seem as real to me as night terrors do. When I wake up from a nightmare, I KNOW it was just a dream. When I have a flashback, I KNOW I will come out of it eventually, but for some reason when I have a night terror, I fully believe that what is happening to me is real and I have no concept during those few seconds where I think I will "come out of it". I guess that's what makes it so scary. I avoid sleep because a part of me is scared that I am seeing a Demon at the foot of my bed. That possibility is enough to make me not want to sleep.
I think the root has to do with control. I hate going into an unconcious state knowing that I can't CONTROL whether I wake up and see anything or have a great night's sleep. I hate that I can't control my emotions or control screams from escaping me when I am not even fully awake. I hate that I couldn't control what happened to me...or that I THINK I COULD have controled it or changed it and didn't. Yup...that's it. (sorry, I'm having an emotional epiphany here). I am also so incredibly angry. I am SO ANGRY. I am constantly burning with anger. And I get even more angry when I have no outlet. It saddens me when I end up exploding and the kids get hit with the shrapnel from my emotions. I have yet to deal with this aspect of my pain because I've been denying it's source for so long. I plan to deal with this via a Trauma Counsellor.
I also mentioned that "'Died' in an understatement". I can't emphasize how true this is. I was completely shattered. My spirit was ripped, my heart was ripped, my whole body, inside and out was ripped to bits...at least that's how it felt. I never felt that what happened to me would never affect me ever...I knew right away that my entire life would never be the same. It's obvious that I haven't healed. I've come a long way but I also know I have a long way to go. I felt so completely worthless that death, at the time, was welcomed. I wanted nothing more than to be offed somehow. I didn't want to pick up any pieces, I just wanted to die. I don't want to die anymore but I feel so angry that I am the one left to do the work of putting myself back together. I KNOW I have Jesus and he is helping me so much. I wouldn't be here without him. I just feel the weight of the work I have to do to keep myself from really going insane. It appalls me that what happened to me, happens to so many. We're all so completely broken and wandering through our lives just WAITING for the pain to stop. The only hope I have is in knowing Jesus, and knowing that one day it will. It just sucks that it has to take so long. My wounds haven't even scarred over yet. They still gush blood with every nightmare, flashback, memory and night terror. I know worse things have happened to people...but...some things are more emotionally destructive and others are more physically. I feel as though I am being held together by masking tape. It's not strong like stitches or actual skin growing over the wound.
Oh man you guys I am a complete mess. It's too deep to even continue talking further. I'm just going to end up going in circles. The truth and my hope, is just Jesus. He is slowly walking me through the pain and helping me come out the other side. He is dealing with my mess and giving me everything I need whether I think I need it or not. He is the one faithful one through the entire thing. He was there before, during and after...and he is still here. He hasn't run away and for that...I would gladly give my life for him.
With that hope in me I am going to try and attempt to sleep and not wake up to anything terrifying (unless it's an angel...that may be cool once I change my underwear).
Goodnight my friends.
-Erin
Most of you who read my blog know that my sister and I are estranged. The details are unimportant but the events surrounding this seperation have deeply wounded me and unfortunately have also traumatized me. I've been told recently by a counsellor friend that I most likely have "Post traumatic Stress Disorder". The definition is: "A normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma (a painful, shocking, experience such as rape, war, natural disaster) that is outside of a person's normal life experiences." The common symptoms include:
-Anxiety (check)
-Insomnia (check)
-Irritability
-Feeling numb (I was there at the beginning of my trauma)
-Survivor guilt (or just...guilt? Check)
-Nightmares/Night terrors (HUGE CHECK AND TONIGHT'S TOPIC)
-Restlessness
-Fear that "something bad will happen" (Check and also related to night terrors)
-Avoiding anything that reminds the person of the incident
-Recurrent memories/Flashbacks of the trauma (CHECK)
-Difficulty concentrating or focusing
-Feeling "on guard" all the time (Check)
-Lack of interest in friends and/or family
-Jumpiness - especially around loud or sudden noises
-Suicidal Thoughts (WAS there...not there anymore thank GOD)
-Blames themselves (Check...but I am working on it)
-May suffer from Depression (Check...but that's being dealt with)
-Feeling as though they are "going crazy" (Check, and also related to night terrors)
-Difficulty sleeping (YA' THINK?!?!?)
Post traumatic Stress Disorder also comes in stages and it is said that the person suffering from it can revert or go forward many times.
-Denial that the incident had any effect on their lives.
-Fear it will happen again (for me it did...so...double whammy)
-Feel sad because of a loss of their ability to trust in people, or places. (Sad would be an understatement)
-Anger at what happened (That's where I am at right now...)
-Anxiety over the nightmares or flashbacks that may intrude on the life of the person.
-Feel as if a part of themselves died during the traumatic event. ("Died" is also an understatement).
So now you know a bit about where I am coming from when I write from my inner emotions and fear. ONE of my biggest struggles is that I am having what you would call a "Night Terror", which is different from a Nightmare in that a night terror happens when you are in Deep sleep and you are awoken to the event and a nightmare, like all other dreams, happen during REM sleep when it's easiest to be woken up. You get your rejuvinating rest when you are in Deep sleep. So you can imagine why the nights I DO experience a Night terror, are the nights I don't get much proper rest.
This is how it's been going, not since the Trauma itself happened, but when the fallout with my sister took place. Odd huh? Up until I dealt with my sister, I was in complete denial and only when I started talking about what happened, did I begin to go through these different stages and feel things I didn't feel before.
So a typical night where I have these horrible experiences begins with me (obviously) going to sleep at night. From my perspective, I "wake-up" and see a completely black shadow...or sillouette of a man standing at the foot of the bed on MY side holding a knife in the air ready to drive it into my body and kill me. I usually scream, grab my blankets and cover my face and cry out for Damien like my life depends on it. And usually in my mind, it does. When Damien wakes up to see what is wrong I fully wake-up and realize there is NOTHING THERE. I see that there is no danger and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I immedietly go back to sleep as though Damien is the crazy one. Other nights I wake up thinking that Damien is about to fall off the bed so I will frantically grab at him and try to save him when the whole time he is innocently sleeping next to me without a clue as to WHY I am clawing at his poor body!! This also happened when the kids were REALLY small babies. Sometimes I would put them to sleep in the middle of our bed and in the middle of the night I'd think that they were on the edge of Damien's side of the bed when either they are in the middle sound asleep or in their own bed.
I used to only get them a couple times a month, these night terrors. But recently since the anniversary of me "losing" my sister is upon me, I've been getting them about 3 times a week. That's 3 times a week I am losing some serious deep sleep.
From the outside person, to see me have a night terror, it would probably look just like it does in the movies. I sit bolt upright, probably with my eyes closed, scream, grab my blankets and hide, wake myself up from the screaming and immedietly fall back asleep. All within less than a minute and MAYBE in less than 30 seconds. I imagine it would look pretty funny actually...but it scares the junk out of me.
I have nightmares and flashbacks but they don't seem as real to me as night terrors do. When I wake up from a nightmare, I KNOW it was just a dream. When I have a flashback, I KNOW I will come out of it eventually, but for some reason when I have a night terror, I fully believe that what is happening to me is real and I have no concept during those few seconds where I think I will "come out of it". I guess that's what makes it so scary. I avoid sleep because a part of me is scared that I am seeing a Demon at the foot of my bed. That possibility is enough to make me not want to sleep.
I think the root has to do with control. I hate going into an unconcious state knowing that I can't CONTROL whether I wake up and see anything or have a great night's sleep. I hate that I can't control my emotions or control screams from escaping me when I am not even fully awake. I hate that I couldn't control what happened to me...or that I THINK I COULD have controled it or changed it and didn't. Yup...that's it. (sorry, I'm having an emotional epiphany here). I am also so incredibly angry. I am SO ANGRY. I am constantly burning with anger. And I get even more angry when I have no outlet. It saddens me when I end up exploding and the kids get hit with the shrapnel from my emotions. I have yet to deal with this aspect of my pain because I've been denying it's source for so long. I plan to deal with this via a Trauma Counsellor.
I also mentioned that "'Died' in an understatement". I can't emphasize how true this is. I was completely shattered. My spirit was ripped, my heart was ripped, my whole body, inside and out was ripped to bits...at least that's how it felt. I never felt that what happened to me would never affect me ever...I knew right away that my entire life would never be the same. It's obvious that I haven't healed. I've come a long way but I also know I have a long way to go. I felt so completely worthless that death, at the time, was welcomed. I wanted nothing more than to be offed somehow. I didn't want to pick up any pieces, I just wanted to die. I don't want to die anymore but I feel so angry that I am the one left to do the work of putting myself back together. I KNOW I have Jesus and he is helping me so much. I wouldn't be here without him. I just feel the weight of the work I have to do to keep myself from really going insane. It appalls me that what happened to me, happens to so many. We're all so completely broken and wandering through our lives just WAITING for the pain to stop. The only hope I have is in knowing Jesus, and knowing that one day it will. It just sucks that it has to take so long. My wounds haven't even scarred over yet. They still gush blood with every nightmare, flashback, memory and night terror. I know worse things have happened to people...but...some things are more emotionally destructive and others are more physically. I feel as though I am being held together by masking tape. It's not strong like stitches or actual skin growing over the wound.
Oh man you guys I am a complete mess. It's too deep to even continue talking further. I'm just going to end up going in circles. The truth and my hope, is just Jesus. He is slowly walking me through the pain and helping me come out the other side. He is dealing with my mess and giving me everything I need whether I think I need it or not. He is the one faithful one through the entire thing. He was there before, during and after...and he is still here. He hasn't run away and for that...I would gladly give my life for him.
With that hope in me I am going to try and attempt to sleep and not wake up to anything terrifying (unless it's an angel...that may be cool once I change my underwear).
Goodnight my friends.
-Erin
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Lately...
I haven't written in a while. I've been really stressed, busy and tired and going through too much at one time.
First, I auditioned for the 3rd and 4th installment of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I am a huge Twilight fan. I haven't heard back so I am assuming I didn't get the part but it was fun just to try. I might do it again in the future if an opportunity ever presents itself. For now though I will just focus on my family and the changes that seem to be coming our way as of late.
A couple weeks ago I missed my period and I started getting nauseous. Damien was really sick too so I thought it was that. I had a feeling though that I was pregnant. Every time I am pregnant, without fail, a spot on my left upper thigh goes completely numb and I get bad sciatic nerve pain. I felt this and then I knew for sure. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative. I figured I should wait until the next morning's urine to make sure. Morning came, I took another test and it was also negative. I was still queasy and I still hadn't gotten my period. I took five tests before I gave up and decided I would just go to the doctor. A week after I was supposed to get my period in the first place, I was getting ready to go to my father-in-law's birthday when I began to bleed and get strong abdominal pain. I knew it was coming. If I had all the signs of pregnancy and yet every test was negative I had a feeling that the pregnancy hormones weren't strong enough to show up and I had already prepared myself for the likelyhood of losing whatever was there. Sure enough, I bled. And I bled and bled. Not enough (apparantly) to warrant a trip to the hospital but enough that I knew it was not just a regular period. I was sad and still shocked despite that I knew it might happen. I was waiting to hear back from the audition and what if I had gotten a call back but I was pregnant? I would have had to turn it down, but on the other hand, what if I didn't get a call back and I had another baby?? I was kind of excited at the thought.
But as I sit here currently, I have no baby on the way and no part in a really cool film. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be though. I know that God has bigger and better plans and I fully trust him. I have two babies that keep me busy as it is, and now that some other things have come to light (I will explain in a minute) I am happy that everything has turned out the way it has.
Before I get into what's been going on in the last few days, I just want to mention that Athaliah FINALLY had her eye surgery to unblock her tear duct. For the first time ever in her whole existance she wakes up without it being stuck together and full of puss. The doctor said it was not only blocked in many places but that it hadn't even developed properly to begin with so there was never any hope of it unblocking anyway without surgical intervention. She did really well. She fell asleep with me holding her and telling her how much I loved her. They put an orange creamsical flavored mask over her face. They also prepared me for how she would look once she was asleep. They told me her eyes may roll back and look kinda scary and that I shouldn't go in unless I could handle that since they've had a few parents faint at the sight of their child going limp. Unfortunately I already know what this looks like, because Endon's eyes rolled back into his head and he went limp in my arms back in December. Only that time it was a dire emergency, and I knew that Athaliah was alright. She actually closed her eyes so I didn't see any eyeball rolling, which I was thankful for anyway. I didn't want to leave at first because I didn't believe she was actually out. I kept asking, "You're sure she's asleep? You're sure??" Only because I was afraid she wasn't asleep and they'd stick that probe in her eye and she'd remember everything. It was alright. It took less than 30 minutes and she woke up and ate popsicles, watched a DVD and then we were sent home. She was back to her old self again by the end of the evening. She's been doing great ever since. She has a big bruise under her eye because of how much the doctor had to probe her eye and nose, but she's healing so well. I am so proud of her.
And now to the more serious stuff. I still want to be a nurse, and I still want to go to Africa. I have no clue when this is going to happen but I am sure it will, whenever God wants to make that happen for us. We haven't been given the green light for this because Damien was never with me on it. Before we can go anywhere and do anything, we both have to be on board. I came to realize that unless Damien feels the pull to go somewhere first, then I am not going anywhere anytime soon. But God knows so much better than I do!! He is so faithful and so...COOL. Lately, Damien has been thinking about the Reserve in Oka, Quebec, where all of my mom's family lives. He hasn't been able to get it out of his head. That's odd for him. One night he couldn't even sleep, he was thinking about it so much. He was told by the pastor out there that he was exactly what they needed out on the reserve. His passion; his ability to mingle with the culture; his amazing speaking talents...
It stuck with him and his thoughts on it are getting stronger. The thing that I find so funny is that Damien always said he would never want to move out there. Ever. And all of a sudden he's been struck with this pull to go there and work in the church. He has a bunch of ideas coming out of nowhere (well not nowhere, probably from God) and I couldn't be more happy. I think it's funny how God usually sends us to places we don't want to go because it's way out of our comfort zones and it means we may need to rely on...GOD?!?!? WOW! Imagine that. ANYONE REMEMBER JONAH AND NINIVAH??? Yeah, I prove my point.
So we both feel restless. We need change. It's not permanent, and if we feel that we need to go in that direction we will take a year to fully prepare. My mom moved out there and learned the hard way. She rushed into it and is paying the concequences. Even though she was meant to be out there, she didn't prepare and now she is unhappy and slowly getting out of the mess she got herself into. First, I would have to learn French. Quebec law is that you cannot work anywhere without knowing English AND French. This is where my mom went wrong. She didn't know this and she can't get a job in the city or anywhere outside of the Reservation. Damien knows enough French already but I don't. Also, in Quebec, they bring their large appliances wherever they move. I've never heard of that until my mom moved there. I know it's not unusual for people to take their washer and dryer wherever they go but I've never heard of lugging around your stove, fridge and sometimes dishwasher along with your washer and dryer. What an annoyance! So we'd have to save up for those inconvenient expenses. Also, it cost my mom a LOT to actually get a moving truck to haul her stuff all the way out there. We'd have to be prepared for that. As well, my mom had no home when she moved out there and that caused a rift in the family between her and her sister-in-law. Mind you, she does have demons in her house....but that's a whole other story.
Anyway, we're just praying and asking God what we should be doing. We NEED a change. This city is so busy and we are burnt out. We need to rest and experience God in ways we haven't before. Calgary is my home so I know we wouldn't be gone forever, but this is just a step in bigger steps we want to take in our lives.
We got a new vehicle too. it's reliable and it fits our family perfectly. It's a 2006 Hyundai Santa Fe SUV with only 22, 000km's and it's a standard (which Damien LOVES). We prayed about finding a vehicle that would be affordable and that would be perfect for us and that we wouldn't get sucked up into something we would regret. We found an AMAZING deal and we are SO SO happy with our choice. It was the first and only car we looked at and we both felt no other looking was necessary. God took care of everything and it all fell into place. It seems that with the prospect of moving East, again God is taking care of it an already things are seeming to be going in a good direction. We are looked after. We are in great hands.
So we'll see what the future brings. Honestly, as long as it includes Damien and my kids, I don't care.
I hope to talk to everyone soon!
Love Always, Erin.
Monday, March 30, 2009
A Wake Up Call
Passion is growing, taking over every part of me, running my senses into overdrive.
I see their tears and how their spirits have been broken. I have to help them. I have to try.
I hear their cries and I cry with them, I hear their stories; I want to fight for their freedom.
I feel the urge to drop everything and hold them in my arms. Take them home and help heal them.
I feel angry at the evil that overtakes what we think are good people, and steals the little ones’ security.
How could they rob them of everything that was supposed to be safe and with it, steal their purity?
My compassion overwhelms me and gets hold of every area that ever went cold and hard.
What gives me the right to sit here or watch the TV while their souls are being scarred?
God, wake up the earth to SEE what is happening in our backyards and in the streets!
What has happened to our morals, our judgement? Why is even noticing this such a hard feat?
The people we think are great neighbours are the ones that could be causing the pain!
Why is this not coming to the surface, or not being talked about as if it’s just a little stain?
Why is it the “Elephant in the Room” that no one wants to acknowledge but knows it really should be?
And why are we walking with our noses in the air stating, “It’s not my responsibility?”
How can we watch their tears turn into sobs without ever lifting a finger, or crying out for their little hearts?
I hate sitting here as guilty as the next one, knowing I haven’t done much to fill in for my part.
Guys, we can do this! A difference can be made. Change can really happen; we just have to do it!
Let’s talk about it, let’s fight for them, let’s pray, let’s go, let’s do, let’s love, let’s no longer sit.
Where is your heart? Where are your morals? Where is your conscience to do what is is RIGHT?!?!?
Where is your love? Where is your soul, your spirit, your desire to fight?!?!?
Pick up your sword and learn quickly how to swing. Hold your shield properly and learn how to defend.
Stand tight as a unit; Impenetrable; no gaps. Evil will try to break us but if we’re fervent, we’ll never bend.
I don’t care what you personally believe, because we ALL know right from wrong.
For once let us stand firm together; the weak ones being protected by the strong.
-Erin Bareham
I see their tears and how their spirits have been broken. I have to help them. I have to try.
I hear their cries and I cry with them, I hear their stories; I want to fight for their freedom.
I feel the urge to drop everything and hold them in my arms. Take them home and help heal them.
I feel angry at the evil that overtakes what we think are good people, and steals the little ones’ security.
How could they rob them of everything that was supposed to be safe and with it, steal their purity?
My compassion overwhelms me and gets hold of every area that ever went cold and hard.
What gives me the right to sit here or watch the TV while their souls are being scarred?
God, wake up the earth to SEE what is happening in our backyards and in the streets!
What has happened to our morals, our judgement? Why is even noticing this such a hard feat?
The people we think are great neighbours are the ones that could be causing the pain!
Why is this not coming to the surface, or not being talked about as if it’s just a little stain?
Why is it the “Elephant in the Room” that no one wants to acknowledge but knows it really should be?
And why are we walking with our noses in the air stating, “It’s not my responsibility?”
How can we watch their tears turn into sobs without ever lifting a finger, or crying out for their little hearts?
I hate sitting here as guilty as the next one, knowing I haven’t done much to fill in for my part.
Guys, we can do this! A difference can be made. Change can really happen; we just have to do it!
Let’s talk about it, let’s fight for them, let’s pray, let’s go, let’s do, let’s love, let’s no longer sit.
Where is your heart? Where are your morals? Where is your conscience to do what is is RIGHT?!?!?
Where is your love? Where is your soul, your spirit, your desire to fight?!?!?
Pick up your sword and learn quickly how to swing. Hold your shield properly and learn how to defend.
Stand tight as a unit; Impenetrable; no gaps. Evil will try to break us but if we’re fervent, we’ll never bend.
I don’t care what you personally believe, because we ALL know right from wrong.
For once let us stand firm together; the weak ones being protected by the strong.
-Erin Bareham
(In Regards to the exploitation of little ones)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I Understand Now
I went to see my Grandma last night. I hadn’t seen her since before I left for Montreal in November. It was really hard for me. I tried to hide my tears 90% of the time. I know that everybody gets old and everyone degenerates as their physical body begins to prepare your spirit for what’s next, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see the ones you love get old. I don’t think it would be this difficult if my Grandma still had her wits about her. Grandma has spent the better part of the last two years in different wards of The Rockyview Hospital due to constantly breaking different major bones in her body and now she finds herself in the Bethany Care Center. Last night she was tired and couldn’t put even two words together that made sense. About a year and a half ago Grandma could still remember everything and she was still quite stubborn and very opinionated. She also had some meat on her. Last night I saw a frail, very thin, quiet woman who looked as though a mouse could demand something of her and she’d do it. It made my heart break to see her so confused.
Damien and I had both the kids with us and if anyone knows what happens when a baby enters a home with old women in it, you should know what happened next. We had our own little nice group of old women who used the kids as an excuse to have a conversation with anyone other than their fellow residents and the nurses. We didn’t mind. We knew they were bored and lonely. As much as I enjoyed their company, I couldn’t get over the fact that my Grandma was sitting there with a blank expression on her face. She had no clue what was going on around her. She tried to join in but ended up saying something that made no sense whatsoever. At one point we were asked how much Endon weighed when he was born and I decided to ask Grandma how much my Dad weighed when HE was born. She thought I was talking about Grandpa and instead of answering the question, told me how much she loved him with her whole heart and that she misses him terribly. I left it at that.
One thing I am happy she remembers is Jesus and her husband, my Grandpa, Jake. Her whole memory has taken a hike but the two things that matter most to her is her Jesus and Jake; the other love of her life; she can still remember with much clarity. She was even able to recite a small poem about how Jesus takes care of her.
On the ride home Damien asked what it was about the whole thing that bothered me the most and you know, I have to say it’s seeing how all her memories and the relationship we had between each other have been lost.
When I was young, I honestly wasn’t that fond of my Grandma. She was always considered the mean one because she seemed to have an opinion on absolutely everything. But then when Damien and I first got married, Grandma and I started talking on the phone almost every day. When things went very bad with my sister, my Grandma, along with Damien and others, were the ones who supported me through everything. Proverbs says it’s important to gain as much wisdom from your elders as you can. I take this seriously. I started listening to my Grandma’s stories and seeing the lessons behind them and we both grew to love the relationship we had with each other. So when I see her in the state she was in last night it hurts because it seems that I am the only one who remembers what we had.
The encouraging thing is that I think her spirit knows and still remembers everything. Even if she doesn’t recognize my face, or calls Athaliah a boy and Endon a girl, I know her spirit loves me and my kids.
Before we left for the night, I knelt down in front of Grandma’s wheelchair and told her how much I loved her and missed her. I started crying and I apologized for not visiting her more often. She looked at me in a moment of complete clarity and said to me, “its okay. You have work to do at home. And one day we’ll have forever to talk and visit.” She said this to me as she wiped the tears off of my cheeks. This only made me cry more but then when I lay in bed last night I thought about it and realized she is right. She may not be able to remember those of us still stuck in reality but her spirit does and after a temporary time away from each other, we will be reunited in heaven where we can spend eternity catching up. I felt better and was able to fall asleep but again, it’s still hard to see the ones you love preparing themselves for eternal life. We don’t understand because we are still focused here. It seems that Grandma is just waiting for the transfer papers to come through so she can see her beloved Jesus and Jake. In some ways it’s easier to get through knowing that her mind is focusing more and more on the next life, but I am not close to doing that so my heart still breaks. Once she is gone I am left with no other grandparents to gain wisdom from. Damien suggested I visit my Grandma more often and then get to know the other women and adopt them as my next Grandma. I just might.
And so I leave you with the thoughts of life and not death. It continues whether we believe in Jesus or not. I personally have a deep relationship with Jesus and so when Grandma shares her longing to be with him, that is one thing I can fully understand.
Damien and I had both the kids with us and if anyone knows what happens when a baby enters a home with old women in it, you should know what happened next. We had our own little nice group of old women who used the kids as an excuse to have a conversation with anyone other than their fellow residents and the nurses. We didn’t mind. We knew they were bored and lonely. As much as I enjoyed their company, I couldn’t get over the fact that my Grandma was sitting there with a blank expression on her face. She had no clue what was going on around her. She tried to join in but ended up saying something that made no sense whatsoever. At one point we were asked how much Endon weighed when he was born and I decided to ask Grandma how much my Dad weighed when HE was born. She thought I was talking about Grandpa and instead of answering the question, told me how much she loved him with her whole heart and that she misses him terribly. I left it at that.
One thing I am happy she remembers is Jesus and her husband, my Grandpa, Jake. Her whole memory has taken a hike but the two things that matter most to her is her Jesus and Jake; the other love of her life; she can still remember with much clarity. She was even able to recite a small poem about how Jesus takes care of her.
On the ride home Damien asked what it was about the whole thing that bothered me the most and you know, I have to say it’s seeing how all her memories and the relationship we had between each other have been lost.
When I was young, I honestly wasn’t that fond of my Grandma. She was always considered the mean one because she seemed to have an opinion on absolutely everything. But then when Damien and I first got married, Grandma and I started talking on the phone almost every day. When things went very bad with my sister, my Grandma, along with Damien and others, were the ones who supported me through everything. Proverbs says it’s important to gain as much wisdom from your elders as you can. I take this seriously. I started listening to my Grandma’s stories and seeing the lessons behind them and we both grew to love the relationship we had with each other. So when I see her in the state she was in last night it hurts because it seems that I am the only one who remembers what we had.
The encouraging thing is that I think her spirit knows and still remembers everything. Even if she doesn’t recognize my face, or calls Athaliah a boy and Endon a girl, I know her spirit loves me and my kids.
Before we left for the night, I knelt down in front of Grandma’s wheelchair and told her how much I loved her and missed her. I started crying and I apologized for not visiting her more often. She looked at me in a moment of complete clarity and said to me, “its okay. You have work to do at home. And one day we’ll have forever to talk and visit.” She said this to me as she wiped the tears off of my cheeks. This only made me cry more but then when I lay in bed last night I thought about it and realized she is right. She may not be able to remember those of us still stuck in reality but her spirit does and after a temporary time away from each other, we will be reunited in heaven where we can spend eternity catching up. I felt better and was able to fall asleep but again, it’s still hard to see the ones you love preparing themselves for eternal life. We don’t understand because we are still focused here. It seems that Grandma is just waiting for the transfer papers to come through so she can see her beloved Jesus and Jake. In some ways it’s easier to get through knowing that her mind is focusing more and more on the next life, but I am not close to doing that so my heart still breaks. Once she is gone I am left with no other grandparents to gain wisdom from. Damien suggested I visit my Grandma more often and then get to know the other women and adopt them as my next Grandma. I just might.
And so I leave you with the thoughts of life and not death. It continues whether we believe in Jesus or not. I personally have a deep relationship with Jesus and so when Grandma shares her longing to be with him, that is one thing I can fully understand.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Too Honest For My Own Good
Happy New Year everyone. And this year I really mean it. I mean I have reason to be happy. My son survived Christmas and he is here with me, alive and well. The story went as follows:
I came to Montreal on November 18th with Athaliah and Endon. About 2 weeks after we got there, Endon came down with a cold. The next morning he was having difficulty breathing so we decided to bring him to the Montreal Children's Hospital to get checked out. On the way, Endon turned blue. We pulled over and I held him in my arms with both of us strapped in the front seat. I didn't want to take any more chances. Upon arriving, Endon was checked and we were immedietly put in a room to see the doctor. When the doctor came in he decided because Endon turned blue on the way, he wanted him to stay for at least 24 hours for observation. That was December 7th; Athaliah's birthday. (She has not had a party...but we'll get there) Endon was tested for a common upper respiratory virus called RSV. The results came back the next morning as positive. RSV can often mimic Bronchitis and Pnumonia. So basically the doctors said his diagnosis is that he has Bronchialitis and he's RSV positive. They told me he would get worse around the 4th day and from there he would get better. Everything went like clockwork. He did indeed get worse around the 4th day to the point where I couldn't handle it any more and called Damien in Calgary and told him to fly his butt out ASAP. I couldn't get to a computer and I was also not allowed to talk on my cell phone. And just to make things more difficult, the hospital phones would not call long distance. So just the immediate family members were contacted. And I thought to myself, "It's nothing. Endon will be out soon. I don't need to really tell anyone."And then the 5th day Endon was doing SO much better. Up until the, he was on oxygen but it wasn't a lot and he was still eating normally although he was getting fevers frequently. The doctor told me this was expected. So the 5th day was good. We had a good day and the doctor said we would be able to go home as soon as they were confident he could survive on room air. That night I fed Endon, he had some tylenol and went to sleep around 11pm. He was working hard at breathing and both the nurse and I were thinking that his breathing was really laboured and perhaps he was getting tired. This was an understatement. At 2 am Endon woke up SCREAMING in pain. His back was arched and he was breathing really fast. No one could console him. His colour was alarming. I was afraid to say it out loud but I kept thinking that he was the colour of a corpse. He was yellow-ish grey. My gut started writhing. Something was NOT right and the nurse agreed. She called the resident on call who called the ICU resident on call. They both came down to assess Endon. The nurse suggested he go up to the ICU and be put on the resperator to give his lungs a break because he has been struggling for almost a week at that point. As the doctors hummed and hawed, I continued to hold Endon and try and calm him. And then, the scariest moment in my whole life...every parents WORST nightmare. Endon stopped breathing. He stopped crying, looked at me as if to say, "I love you Mom, but I just can't do it anymore." and then his eyes rolled back. All I saw were the whites of his eyes. No one was in the room at the time but I kinda started breathing heavy and shaking. I called the doctors who came in and I said, "His eyes rolled back into his head. I don't think that's normal. It's kinda freaking me out." The doctor put his stethascope onto Endon's chest and the next thing I remember was the doctor grabbing Endon from me and running. The two doctors, the nurse and then me, ran down the hall way and into the crash room. There wasn't any time to even call a code blue so no one was expecting us. It didn't take long though. Endon was placed on this huge bed in the trauma room and there were a thousand people surrounding him. I couldn't see anything. I didn't know anything. I was just left in limbo crying my eyeballs out and secretly mad that God would allow Endon to almost die in my arms. He started breathing again but it was very, very weak. They started to suction out his lungs via a tube down his nose. They suctioned and suctioned and suctioned some more. Endon's lungs were so full of fluid that he literally could not breathe anymore. He was drowning. The more they suctioned, the more his lungs would fill. They took an x-ray and it showed both his lungs as white. You could barely see his rib cage. I was so scared. No one would tell me anything but they wouldn't let me leave the room either. I felt completely useless. I finally asked if I could leave and call those who needed to be called. I called Damien first obviously, who was in Oka with Athaliah. Then I called Damien's Dad and his mom (who's phone was off). I knew a lot of people wouldn't answer anyway since it was 4am in Montreal and 2am in Calgary. Finally someone filled me in after I asked what was going on. A woman from the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) filled me in. She told me about his lungs and that he needed to be on a resperator and transfered to the PICU and that they were just waiting for him to be stablized and for a bed to be ready. In the meantime Damien, Mom and Athaliah arrived. We then followed Endon up to the PICU were they settled him in. Even though his situation was critical, I think this was my favorite unit. He had his own nurse and round the clock care so I was able to leave the hospital for the first time and go have a shower. Damien and I called regularly to see how he was and they said not to worry, but to rest and come back the next day. I was very anxious to be over an hour away from my baby but I was smelling, and I needed a shower and a good rest. Endon was in the ICU for 3 days and this is when I had decided it was time to let my other relatives and friends know...they only problem was that I still could not get to a computer or use the phone. Slowly but surely I managed to get a hold of people to let others know and ask to support us in prayer. While I was in Oka, I fell asleep and did not wake up until the next day at the same time. I slept for 24 hours! I think I needed it. Endon was then transfered to a medical unit. He was taken off the resperator and put back on oxygen. They also gave him a feeding tube going directly into his intestines because he had stopped eating and they wanted to get him off the IV. Then, he was able to be off oxygen during the day and at night they would put him back on if his oxygen levels dropped any lower than 92% (they frequently dropped to 88% or 87%). The feeding tube was taken out the next day and he was breastfeeding again. The IV was also taken out. Social Services arranged a Hotel Apartment a couple blocks from the hospital for us to stay in because of the long commute from Oka. It was a major help and blessing that Damien was able to be so close and I was able to take rests from time to time.
Endon was finally released a couple days later just in time for Christmas. Although it should have been the best ever because Endon was alive, I was still in complete shock and am just now sorting things out in my brain.
We came home to a rather large ambulance bill from when Athaliah dropped her halloween candy down Endon's throat and he was rushed to the hospital back in October.
I guess this is why everyone loves me? Because I am honest. Maybe too honest at times. I'm sure this is one of them. I'm honestly a crazy wreck right now. Since I got home I've been trying my hardest to hold everything in but when no one is looking I fall apart at the seams. I'm seriously traumatized by this experience. Endon stopped breathing in my arms. I can't tell you what that does to a person. What that does to a mother who has a soul tie with their child. My gut, my nerves, my brain...everything felt him slipping away. I wanted to die with him...or switch places. No one is able to understand how I felt because I alone was there. Damien wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I'm just so... I don't know. I was a messed up person before this but I was on the mend. I feel like I am slipping backwards to square one. I can't even talk about what happened to Endon anymore. I can't physically describe it anyway. My emotions remember how I felt at that moment and it's like I am re-living it. I think they call that post-traumatic-stress...?
This whole thing goes deeper for me. For those that know me, you know I had a miscarriage way back when Damien and I first got married. I felt that that baby was a boy. Then I was bothered by constant dreams of babies (always boys) that were taken from me, or that weren't mine. They never recognized me. Then finally one day I dreamt of a little baby girl that was in my arms. She knew I was her mother and even though people were trying to take her, I held on tight and never let go. I woke up, and I was healed. I also desperately wanted a girl from then on. Well, I got my little girl and I thought all was well.
The night Endon stopped breathing, I felt uneasy. It was bothering me ALL evening. Hours before anything happened. I kept hearing, "You know because he's a boy I am going to take him from you right?" I knew it was the enemy but it wouldn't stop. I even told Damien about it and he told me everything would be fine. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread though. And then when everything happened, the enemy was RIGHT there saying, "You see? I told you I was going to take him." I was totally beside myself. (Sandra I would have told you all this if it wasn't for that security guard trying to kick me off the phone.) I'm telling you I was SO MAD at God. I was thinking, "You're REALLY going to let him take Endon? Are you really going to LET HIM?" Of course deep down I knew God was actually telling me to trust him and I kept telling him to forget it. Obviously I know better now.
But now I am working through this whole thing emotionally. It may have ended as far as Endon being well again, but I am just beginning to deal with everything I've been supressing. OH IF ONLY I COULD JUST UNLEASH THIS EMOTION!!!!
I'm trying to "stay strong" because if Damien sees the state I am in, he will get angry...or just not understand WHY it's still affecting me. You know how guys' brains are sorted into boxes right? And the boxes DON'T TOUCH. He wouldn't get it.
DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS? ENDON ALMOST DIED IN MY ARMS!!! In fact, he DID DIE for a few minutes...IN MY ARMS!!! ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE FEAR IN MY HEART?!?!?
I'm sorry...I just haven't talked about it AT ALL yet. No one is avaliable. My mom is not here. Please if you have a comfy shoulder...I need to cover it with my tears.
Now more than ever I need Jesus. Right here in front of me. Right here so I can tell him everything and have him just...tell me everything will be fine.
Endon is crying. I need to feed him. I've never been so happy and thankful to hear his voice.
I'm going to get through this. But as "strong" as I am...I have my weaknesses and I'm crumbling more and more every day the longer I have to keep this inside me.
I came to Montreal on November 18th with Athaliah and Endon. About 2 weeks after we got there, Endon came down with a cold. The next morning he was having difficulty breathing so we decided to bring him to the Montreal Children's Hospital to get checked out. On the way, Endon turned blue. We pulled over and I held him in my arms with both of us strapped in the front seat. I didn't want to take any more chances. Upon arriving, Endon was checked and we were immedietly put in a room to see the doctor. When the doctor came in he decided because Endon turned blue on the way, he wanted him to stay for at least 24 hours for observation. That was December 7th; Athaliah's birthday. (She has not had a party...but we'll get there) Endon was tested for a common upper respiratory virus called RSV. The results came back the next morning as positive. RSV can often mimic Bronchitis and Pnumonia. So basically the doctors said his diagnosis is that he has Bronchialitis and he's RSV positive. They told me he would get worse around the 4th day and from there he would get better. Everything went like clockwork. He did indeed get worse around the 4th day to the point where I couldn't handle it any more and called Damien in Calgary and told him to fly his butt out ASAP. I couldn't get to a computer and I was also not allowed to talk on my cell phone. And just to make things more difficult, the hospital phones would not call long distance. So just the immediate family members were contacted. And I thought to myself, "It's nothing. Endon will be out soon. I don't need to really tell anyone."And then the 5th day Endon was doing SO much better. Up until the, he was on oxygen but it wasn't a lot and he was still eating normally although he was getting fevers frequently. The doctor told me this was expected. So the 5th day was good. We had a good day and the doctor said we would be able to go home as soon as they were confident he could survive on room air. That night I fed Endon, he had some tylenol and went to sleep around 11pm. He was working hard at breathing and both the nurse and I were thinking that his breathing was really laboured and perhaps he was getting tired. This was an understatement. At 2 am Endon woke up SCREAMING in pain. His back was arched and he was breathing really fast. No one could console him. His colour was alarming. I was afraid to say it out loud but I kept thinking that he was the colour of a corpse. He was yellow-ish grey. My gut started writhing. Something was NOT right and the nurse agreed. She called the resident on call who called the ICU resident on call. They both came down to assess Endon. The nurse suggested he go up to the ICU and be put on the resperator to give his lungs a break because he has been struggling for almost a week at that point. As the doctors hummed and hawed, I continued to hold Endon and try and calm him. And then, the scariest moment in my whole life...every parents WORST nightmare. Endon stopped breathing. He stopped crying, looked at me as if to say, "I love you Mom, but I just can't do it anymore." and then his eyes rolled back. All I saw were the whites of his eyes. No one was in the room at the time but I kinda started breathing heavy and shaking. I called the doctors who came in and I said, "His eyes rolled back into his head. I don't think that's normal. It's kinda freaking me out." The doctor put his stethascope onto Endon's chest and the next thing I remember was the doctor grabbing Endon from me and running. The two doctors, the nurse and then me, ran down the hall way and into the crash room. There wasn't any time to even call a code blue so no one was expecting us. It didn't take long though. Endon was placed on this huge bed in the trauma room and there were a thousand people surrounding him. I couldn't see anything. I didn't know anything. I was just left in limbo crying my eyeballs out and secretly mad that God would allow Endon to almost die in my arms. He started breathing again but it was very, very weak. They started to suction out his lungs via a tube down his nose. They suctioned and suctioned and suctioned some more. Endon's lungs were so full of fluid that he literally could not breathe anymore. He was drowning. The more they suctioned, the more his lungs would fill. They took an x-ray and it showed both his lungs as white. You could barely see his rib cage. I was so scared. No one would tell me anything but they wouldn't let me leave the room either. I felt completely useless. I finally asked if I could leave and call those who needed to be called. I called Damien first obviously, who was in Oka with Athaliah. Then I called Damien's Dad and his mom (who's phone was off). I knew a lot of people wouldn't answer anyway since it was 4am in Montreal and 2am in Calgary. Finally someone filled me in after I asked what was going on. A woman from the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) filled me in. She told me about his lungs and that he needed to be on a resperator and transfered to the PICU and that they were just waiting for him to be stablized and for a bed to be ready. In the meantime Damien, Mom and Athaliah arrived. We then followed Endon up to the PICU were they settled him in. Even though his situation was critical, I think this was my favorite unit. He had his own nurse and round the clock care so I was able to leave the hospital for the first time and go have a shower. Damien and I called regularly to see how he was and they said not to worry, but to rest and come back the next day. I was very anxious to be over an hour away from my baby but I was smelling, and I needed a shower and a good rest. Endon was in the ICU for 3 days and this is when I had decided it was time to let my other relatives and friends know...they only problem was that I still could not get to a computer or use the phone. Slowly but surely I managed to get a hold of people to let others know and ask to support us in prayer. While I was in Oka, I fell asleep and did not wake up until the next day at the same time. I slept for 24 hours! I think I needed it. Endon was then transfered to a medical unit. He was taken off the resperator and put back on oxygen. They also gave him a feeding tube going directly into his intestines because he had stopped eating and they wanted to get him off the IV. Then, he was able to be off oxygen during the day and at night they would put him back on if his oxygen levels dropped any lower than 92% (they frequently dropped to 88% or 87%). The feeding tube was taken out the next day and he was breastfeeding again. The IV was also taken out. Social Services arranged a Hotel Apartment a couple blocks from the hospital for us to stay in because of the long commute from Oka. It was a major help and blessing that Damien was able to be so close and I was able to take rests from time to time.
Endon was finally released a couple days later just in time for Christmas. Although it should have been the best ever because Endon was alive, I was still in complete shock and am just now sorting things out in my brain.
We came home to a rather large ambulance bill from when Athaliah dropped her halloween candy down Endon's throat and he was rushed to the hospital back in October.
I guess this is why everyone loves me? Because I am honest. Maybe too honest at times. I'm sure this is one of them. I'm honestly a crazy wreck right now. Since I got home I've been trying my hardest to hold everything in but when no one is looking I fall apart at the seams. I'm seriously traumatized by this experience. Endon stopped breathing in my arms. I can't tell you what that does to a person. What that does to a mother who has a soul tie with their child. My gut, my nerves, my brain...everything felt him slipping away. I wanted to die with him...or switch places. No one is able to understand how I felt because I alone was there. Damien wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I'm just so... I don't know. I was a messed up person before this but I was on the mend. I feel like I am slipping backwards to square one. I can't even talk about what happened to Endon anymore. I can't physically describe it anyway. My emotions remember how I felt at that moment and it's like I am re-living it. I think they call that post-traumatic-stress...?
This whole thing goes deeper for me. For those that know me, you know I had a miscarriage way back when Damien and I first got married. I felt that that baby was a boy. Then I was bothered by constant dreams of babies (always boys) that were taken from me, or that weren't mine. They never recognized me. Then finally one day I dreamt of a little baby girl that was in my arms. She knew I was her mother and even though people were trying to take her, I held on tight and never let go. I woke up, and I was healed. I also desperately wanted a girl from then on. Well, I got my little girl and I thought all was well.
The night Endon stopped breathing, I felt uneasy. It was bothering me ALL evening. Hours before anything happened. I kept hearing, "You know because he's a boy I am going to take him from you right?" I knew it was the enemy but it wouldn't stop. I even told Damien about it and he told me everything would be fine. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread though. And then when everything happened, the enemy was RIGHT there saying, "You see? I told you I was going to take him." I was totally beside myself. (Sandra I would have told you all this if it wasn't for that security guard trying to kick me off the phone.) I'm telling you I was SO MAD at God. I was thinking, "You're REALLY going to let him take Endon? Are you really going to LET HIM?" Of course deep down I knew God was actually telling me to trust him and I kept telling him to forget it. Obviously I know better now.
But now I am working through this whole thing emotionally. It may have ended as far as Endon being well again, but I am just beginning to deal with everything I've been supressing. OH IF ONLY I COULD JUST UNLEASH THIS EMOTION!!!!
I'm trying to "stay strong" because if Damien sees the state I am in, he will get angry...or just not understand WHY it's still affecting me. You know how guys' brains are sorted into boxes right? And the boxes DON'T TOUCH. He wouldn't get it.
DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS? ENDON ALMOST DIED IN MY ARMS!!! In fact, he DID DIE for a few minutes...IN MY ARMS!!! ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE FEAR IN MY HEART?!?!?
I'm sorry...I just haven't talked about it AT ALL yet. No one is avaliable. My mom is not here. Please if you have a comfy shoulder...I need to cover it with my tears.
Now more than ever I need Jesus. Right here in front of me. Right here so I can tell him everything and have him just...tell me everything will be fine.
Endon is crying. I need to feed him. I've never been so happy and thankful to hear his voice.
I'm going to get through this. But as "strong" as I am...I have my weaknesses and I'm crumbling more and more every day the longer I have to keep this inside me.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
This is NOT what I was expecting.
I began this blog entry writing about my experience so far here in Oka, Quebec, but the more I wrote, the sicker I felt.
There is a time, (perhaps when I get home) when I will be allowed to share my story thus far but for now I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that I am not allowed.
I am going to be obedient.
We will just say it has not been good. I'm working on it but the enemy is very influential here. I am thinking it is mostly because we are on the land of my Native Ancestors. There are many ruling Demons and they are NOT happpy that I am here. That is all I will say until I feel I am allowed to share more.
Don't worry about me though. Jesus is more powerful than anything in this world and I am not in the least bit afraid. Demons don't scare me. I feel protected but I will always be grateful for more prayer in this regard :)
I hope everyone else is well. We will see you after the Holidays since Damien has decided to fly here for Christmas.
With love for everyone who reads this,
Erin
There is a time, (perhaps when I get home) when I will be allowed to share my story thus far but for now I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that I am not allowed.
I am going to be obedient.
We will just say it has not been good. I'm working on it but the enemy is very influential here. I am thinking it is mostly because we are on the land of my Native Ancestors. There are many ruling Demons and they are NOT happpy that I am here. That is all I will say until I feel I am allowed to share more.
Don't worry about me though. Jesus is more powerful than anything in this world and I am not in the least bit afraid. Demons don't scare me. I feel protected but I will always be grateful for more prayer in this regard :)
I hope everyone else is well. We will see you after the Holidays since Damien has decided to fly here for Christmas.
With love for everyone who reads this,
Erin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
