If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear,
And I don't know the reason, why you brought me here,
But just because you love me, the way that you do,
I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step,
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet,
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you,
Then I will go through the fire, if you want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen,
When you lead me through a world that's not my home,
But you never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself,
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help,
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through,
And I will go through the valley, if you want me to.

-Ginny Owens


I feel like that has been my theme song for the past two years. It has become a song very close to my heart. I was reading in my journal last night, and there is a reoccurring theme throughout, "God, do whatever it takes, I just want to be close to you". I knew this was a scary thing to ask because I knew he would do it. And so I was not surprised when I started going through intense anxiety and things of the sort, because not only did I ask for it (not the anxiety necessarily, but the cleansing of my soul and mind etc.) but I also KNEW that although it sucked...and it REALLY did, I knew that when I came out of it, I was going to be so much of a better person because of it. And I am. I am so much more passionate about the things I believe, my faith has increased beyond what I ever thought, and my love for Jesus and my intimacy with him is so tight that words are not even necessary between us a lot of times. I was miserable through the whole thing and my marriage went through a very trying time, but at the same time, I kept telling Damien that there was a reason I was going through it, and that it will all be worth it in the end. I was right...well God was right. And Damien although impatient, has seen and IS seeing the fruit of my sufferings. Being on the other side now, I rejoice in them. Going through it, I cried, whined, and begged for it to end. And now everything smells sweeter. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the colours are far more vivid then they were. Yeah, I'm different. And I wouldn't change any of the hard times for anything.
God takes you through the fire and it burns and hurts so bad so you scream in agony for it to stop. And JUST when you think you are going to die and you can't handle it anymore, he gently takes your hand, pulls you from the heat and sends the most refreshing cool rain you have ever felt. I feel like right now, I am standing in the rain. At first I was looking at him and asking, "Why? Why all of this?" and now I look in the mirror and back at him and I know why. I don't know how to explain it other than seeing layer after layer of dead skin, or dead weight that I've been carrying around, just fall off all around me. Like a beautiful ruby (cause I like red) covered in a thick chunk of mud, and seeing it break off and wash away to reveal this raw stone. Once it's shined and polished, it's almost too beautiful not to stare at it. It draws you in. That's me. When you are put into a position where you can't even get out of your bed because you are so afraid and so anxious...it makes you forget the things you previously thought were important. I remember just thinking to myself, that people who walk down the street lost in their own thoughts, were so lucky because I couldn't even do that. I remember wishing I could walk into my front yard and smell the flowers without feeling anxious. Everything fake that used to matter to me, was no longer important and the only thing that mattered was Jesus.
I am standing in the rain. I love being cooled off after going through intense heat. It's so healing and refreshing. I was patient. I was in pain but I prayed and hung on. I kept my eyes focused on Him, I kept walking, He kept refining and peeling back the layers, and the deeper it got, the more painful. But underneath, not even I was expecting to find the true Erin. Jesus said to me, "See? That is the Erin I created." and I sit here writing this in confidence that yes, this is the Erin he created.
So indeed, "If all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will go through the fire, if you want me to".
Praise Jesus for fire, but most of all for the rain that comes after.