In an odd state of mind.

So...I'm in a strange mood today. I feel annoyed with a bunch of different things. I just feel like I need to vent out some of it. To start, I feel annoyed that I am in the middle of other people's mess. I went away to Montreal for two weeks and it was wonderful. I didn't have to give a rip about anyone but the people I was with and it wasn't burdensome at all. I come home and the very first day there is a load of other people's problems waiting for me. What the heck? Do I have sign on my forehead that says "counsellor"? I mean, I geuinelly care about my friends but sometimes...sometimes I honestly feel like I could care less. Deal with your crap yourself. Stop putting it all on me. I have my own problems and my family's problems to deal with. If I am not the only person you are talking with, fine, I would be glad to help you out, pray for you, give you advice...but if it all comes on top of me, forget it. It's too heavy. Not only that, I am 22 years old. What experience do I have where I can give any advice at all? Come back when I am 75 and I may be a wise women then. I got home on Monday afternoon and I was jet lagged until Tuesday night...I not only had no time to deal with people's problems, I was too tired to even care. I don't feel bad about that because I am human. I can only take so much. The same goes for me. I don't pour everything onto one person and expect them to get me out of the mud. I do go to some people to ask for prayer, for a break from my baby, to vent frustrations...I go to God to beg...haha...to ask for help and strength and wisdom, but I would feel so bad if I were to zone in on one person and dump everything that life has dealt me and said, "There, sort it out for me. I'll be back tomorrow night to pick up the results." How terrible!! You know, the truth is, I do love to help people and give them advice to the best of my abilities, but the fact is, most people who come to me for advice let me talk my face off and agree with me, but turn around and act like they haven't heard a word I said. Then I feel disrespected and I feel like I just wasted my time. If you need a sounding board and someone to listen, great, I'll listen. But if you come and ASK me what to do, I am going to tell you what I think so don't throw my words away like it was nothing. If you are not going to care about what I say, then don't come to me. Oh yeah, and one more thing: Don't lie to me because the next time you come to me for advice, I wont be there.

On to the next thing: I can't believe how much I still need validation from the opposite sex even after I am married!! I am a little peeved at myself for this. Why should I care what other people, especially men, care about me and what I look like???? I went to the Josh Groban concert on Wednesday night. It was fantastic. I ran up to the front of the stage and he touched my hand as he went by. I felt like a little girl but I am telling you it felt good. My adrenaline was pumping and my heart was racing and I got all goose pimply when he touched my hand. Why? Instead of enjoying the fact that I was mere feet away from an amazing vocalist and great looking guy, I was analyzing that fact that I was acting like he was a god. I was asking myself why I cared so much that he touched me, when he is just a guy. A regular guy with a fantastic voice. I am not obsessed with him. I don't follow him from city to city. But I felt myself putting him on this high pedistal and almost worshipping the ground he performs on. I do silly things like wonder if he cares what he wears the next day, and which girl he remembers from that specific city he was in. And in the not-so-back-of-my-head I wonder if it could be me. I HAD to meet him. I saw him singing autographs and I went over there to where he was and waited for him to come by me and sign my ticket. He looked at me and I looked away. I LOOKED AWAY!!! WHY??? And why do I care either way?? I didn't even say hi. I just got all flustered and handed my ticket to him for him to sign. He messed up on it and said, "oops" and I made him resign it on the back...all the while I looked down. For some reason this makes me mad. I wanted to make eye contact with him because I wanted to feel like he was putting my face into his memory banks as one of the good looking girls from Calgary. Why does it matter to me? I have a husband who loves every bit of me that makes regular eye contact with me on a daily basis. Not only that, he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he knows. I am at the front of his mind and I remeber when he touched my hand and I would get goose bumps. What is this? Is this normal or is this part of my sinful nature to put regular people on pedistals? I know part of it is our culture. We put people in the spotlight and tell everyone they are worthy of our worship, and most people go with it. I am thankful I am not a part of that but it's sooo easy to put them high up on our list. I haven't resolved anything in my mind, but this is something I am dealing with at the moment. It's kinda made me upset because now the memory I have of meeting Josh Groban is mixed with guilt for loving him too much.

Anyway, despite all that I had a lovely time in Montreal with all my friends and family. We went shopping a lot and drove a lot. I got lots of great pictures and if you have facebook you can check them out there. It's all jumbled in my mind of all the stuff I did but I am home and I am attempting to put my house back in order and establishing an appropriate routine for Athaliah now that she eats solids three times a day and crawls everywhere. She did all this while we were away. It's interesting now how I can call her and she crawls to me. I feel loved by her and I could squeeze her and hold her all day. Speaking of which I think I am going to hold her close and breastfeed her while I still can. It seems she is beginning to ween herself off of my breast. *tears* I suppose my little baby has to grow up sometime.

Love for everyone who reads my blog.
-Erin