Nature Scares Me

I love children...especially mine. I love babies and I always have but for once in my life I am scared of the thought of another one coming from me...literaly. Okay maybe not labour because if it's just as quick as last time I can handle it...but the thought of being sick for nine or more months makes me want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
A couple weeks ago I went off of birth control. I didn't mean to but I ran out and just haven't been able to make it to the doctors yet...and now it seems like I wont need to. Going off of the pill has been kind of crazy. All of a suddon my hormones are going wonky and one minute I want a child RIGHT NOW and then the other minute (which I believe is my heart...or maybe just logic) says, "NOOOOOO...NOT YET...ACTUALLY MAYBE NOT EVER!" The reason I feel "not ever" is because I am a narrow minded parent with one child and eyes for only that one child. My heart wants Athaliah and only her but I know deep down that I want more children. I just LOVE her sooo much and I feel that I would be almost betraying her to have another one...(sound nuts?) Also, I would feel terrible if I were to be sick again and I was unable to pour into my favorite little human being on earth, the way that I should. I feel that it would be unfair to her. Please tell me this is normal! AHHH!
So Damien and I were discussing the thought of more children and I told him that it was going to have to be his decision because I am incapable of making a rational one. Damien's mom warned him that as soon as Athaliah stops breastfeeding I am going to want another one. And sure enough to my surprise, my maternal instinct is starting to tell me that it is time to have more. Athaliah is only interested in breastfeeding at night...and as a result I am almost completely dry. I was talking with Damien though about the fact that "what if I get sick and then Athaliah is neglected?" and Damien calmly responded, "Well it may be harder on her when she is older." and so the question just became, "Do we want to have another child sooner or later?"
A part of me is up for the adventure and craving that feeling of being needed and wanted by "mommy" and another part of me loves what Athaliah wants from me and loves what I have and is content with that. I guess I just cant imagine loving anyone BUT Athaliah and I know at least that that is a normal feeling.
Damien said to me, "Erin if we leave it up to me, we will never have more because I can never plan things and I am not good at making decisions of that sort." And of course I am not good at it either because from one minute to another I cant make up my mind. The truth is I am terrified and at the same time I am trying to control the whole thing. I know God doesn't WANT me OR Damien to control anything. And so Damien and I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, we should let nature...or God decide when we are to have another child.
That was a scary moment. Leaving it up to God. Why does that scare me? Maybe because I KNOW he is in control. And maybe that means he is going to make me face my fears, and maybe he knows in 20 years I am going to laugh at the fact that I was so scared.

So to sum it up, Damien and I have decided to let God decide when our next child is going to make it's appearance on earth. We have decided that nature is better at making decisions than we are and we don't even think that people should even use birth control. However I don't want eight kids so there is a limit. I am going through this next phase in our life completely trusting on God and relying on him to help me through any trials or fears it may bring me. But I do have to say one thing, it is such a great feeling to make such a HUGE decision together with both of us completely aware of what we are doing. Athaliah was a surprise. A wonderful surprise but she wasn't planned between us, and now, we are in it together. We are both very clear of eachother's expectations and if it so happens (which I don't doubt is going to happen) that I get pregnant, we wont be shocked or upset, but our trust in God will just increase and we will lean on him to show us what to do next.

I am scared. Nope, I am terrified and completely unsure of the future, but my heart is excited and looking forward to the adventure. Besides, I am meant to be a mom to many, and some of them should be mine I think.