Restless

When I first met Damien he talked about wanting a woman that would follow him on great adventures. I was on board. I knew that it was something I wanted to do and I was excited for our life together. I would dream about the places we would go and how I would have pictures of him and I together from around the world. The thought that it would make me so happy to know I have been to faraway places with the man I love. And it will make me happy...when it happens.

So I have a story to tell. Most people know that when I had Athaliah I began to feel that my calling in life was to be a mother. Not just to my own children but to many, many children everywhere I go. And so last winter I met a man through connections with my church named John from Ireland. He has a home base there where people are sent out on missions all over the world, and listening to one of his stories, a particular country caught my attention. He told the story of the poorest country in Europe called Moldova. Most of the people living there are children. And over half of them are abandoned and orphaned. A lot of the young females are sent out of the orphanages at 16 or 17 to waiting vans of men who then traffic them for sexual exploitation (another thing I wanted to get involved with...not being trafficked but saving the kids). It is really a sad state. Anyway, since I heard of this country the children are all I can think about and I can't seem to get it out of my head. And lately I have been realizing that I am going crazy stuck inside the house all day with the same old routine, unable to drive anywhere (although I do drive illegally when I can't handle being cooped up anymore). I have been dreaming of going on an adventure...perhaps an adventure with Damien and Athaliah. And so I kept these feelings and thoughts inside and let them stirr in me until I became sad all the time. I became so sad that it started to affect how I felt about being married. Until I finally told Damien that I am restless and in need of something different. I told him it was time that we go somewhere. I told him how I really want to go to Moldova and maybe India because I've always wanted to wear a Sari. Damien agreed and talked over different scenario's but it didn't take long for me to realize Damien wasn't actually serious about it. It was a nice dream and all, but it probably wouldn't happen...so I was back to square one and the restlessness in me grew.

THEN! not even two days later I mentioned my growing restlessness to a friend who told me she had spent all of last summer in Moldova with some missionary friends!! It was so neat to hear because hardly anyone has ever heard of Moldova. That was all she told me, but somehow it made me happier.

The next day Damien went to church (and I slept cause we were up until four in the morning watching 24) and he had talked with our friend just randomly about it. Turns out there was more to the story. He came home and told me that not only did our friend spend all of last summer there, but that her missionary friends are looking to retire and are currently looking for a young couple to replace them!! As soon as he told me my spirit rose and my heart jumped. I had a feeling God was doing something! I didn't (AND STILL DON'T) think it is a coincidence that all this happened in a matter of days. I got so excited I started babbling to Damien about something along the lines of, "That's us Damien! That's for us! Let's go!" And then Damien, with a completely straight face started talking logically (who DOES THAT?) and went on about debt and planning and how this and that is in the way etc. AND how HE was prophesied over about how he shouldn't just walk through any door that is opened or something like that.

I then got mad. Mad because this was something I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, somewhere I KNOW I am supposed to go, and Damien, who by the way, always wondered what I would do if God wanted us to just "pick up and go" and here I am wanting to go and there is Damien making up excuses and using prophesy as reasons to NOT go anywhere. I was mad because it seems like I have always shadowed other people's dreams and other people's callings and I have yet to fall into my own dream and calling. And I was mad because it seemed yet again that I would have to give up my adventure so Damien could go on being comfortable and go on being afraid of change even though in his own heart he longs to be called away to a faraway place.

And so I cried. I cried in anger and sadness and disappointment and every sad emotion out there. And then I prayed because I knew that this adventure IS going to happen and I saw it in my mind. I saw myself with Damien and Athaliah on a plane heading to Moldova. I knew that this was MY adventure and it had to happen with or without Damien there. As I prayed I felt that God was telling me that this IS my adventure and it IS going to happen. I felt him say, "You hold onto that faith, and let me deal with Damien." Oh and I was happy again! I knew that God would set it right if it was meant to happen!

And then the next morning I talked with Damien about everything again. I told him that I knew he didn't feel pulled to leave but that I felt it, and my restlessness had a reason. I asked him if he would come even if the adventure wasn't for him (because before this he believed that any adventure was for him and not me.) I told him that I have my own story too and that I deserve to respond to the pulling. He agreed. He also agreed to pray about. And I was thankful.

Well he DID pray about it and guess what? Good ol' Faithful God has done what he said he would. He is working on Damien. He (Damien) has agreed to have faith about where God wants us and he is now working on our spending habits so we can pay off our debt so we can be free to go! Did you hear that? I AM GOING!!! I AM GOING ON MY ADVENTURE AND I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY CALLING AND MY DREAMS AND MY DESTINY!! It's finally happening and my heart is so full of Joy! I knew God would do it. I KNEW that I have to go.

Now Damien believes that this is going to take a few years but I don't think so. I see it happening much sooner than he thinks. I don't care anymore because at least now I know it is in motion. I know God is going to do it. When I was waitng and begging to be made well from my anxiety, it took two years of torture to get to where I am today. It doesn't seem like a lot on the grand scale but going through it felt like forever. After that ordeal I have a lot patience and trust that God will do what is best. I have a lot of faith because of what I went through. The whole time God showed me pictures of who I was going to be when it was all over. I thought at first it was a tease but I didn't let go and I am looking more and more like that person he showed me everyday.

So I will hold onto that picture of me on the airplane heading to Moldova. It will happen and I can't wait.

I am telling you. Have faith. No matter how long it takes I promise it is so worth it in the end. The experience will be richer and brighter and better than anything you can imagine than if you had cheaped out and gone your own way. No one knows what is best more than the one who created you and he delights in giving his children the desires of their hearts...which just so happens to be HIS heart. My heart speaks the language of love. For some it is other things. Stuff that comes naturally. Damien speaks the language of teaching. Passing on knowlege and information comes easy to him. It does not for me. I like to love. I love to hold people in my arms and cry with them. I love to take people's hands and pray with and for them. I love to speak encouraging words to broken people. I love to cuddle my child until she can't stand it. My language is love, and so if you are a Christian (and even if you are not!) please pray that this dream and calling can be fulfilled in whatever way it is meant to. Whether it means travelling abroad or staying home. Please pray that God will place Damien and our family wherever it needs to be and that I will find fulfillment in whatever task I am given. I love being a mom, and it would bring me so much joy to travel to Moldova to love all those abandoned and (supposed) unloved children.

For now, Erin.