Restless

When I first met Damien he talked about wanting a woman that would follow him on great adventures. I was on board. I knew that it was something I wanted to do and I was excited for our life together. I would dream about the places we would go and how I would have pictures of him and I together from around the world. The thought that it would make me so happy to know I have been to faraway places with the man I love. And it will make me happy...when it happens.

So I have a story to tell. Most people know that when I had Athaliah I began to feel that my calling in life was to be a mother. Not just to my own children but to many, many children everywhere I go. And so last winter I met a man through connections with my church named John from Ireland. He has a home base there where people are sent out on missions all over the world, and listening to one of his stories, a particular country caught my attention. He told the story of the poorest country in Europe called Moldova. Most of the people living there are children. And over half of them are abandoned and orphaned. A lot of the young females are sent out of the orphanages at 16 or 17 to waiting vans of men who then traffic them for sexual exploitation (another thing I wanted to get involved with...not being trafficked but saving the kids). It is really a sad state. Anyway, since I heard of this country the children are all I can think about and I can't seem to get it out of my head. And lately I have been realizing that I am going crazy stuck inside the house all day with the same old routine, unable to drive anywhere (although I do drive illegally when I can't handle being cooped up anymore). I have been dreaming of going on an adventure...perhaps an adventure with Damien and Athaliah. And so I kept these feelings and thoughts inside and let them stirr in me until I became sad all the time. I became so sad that it started to affect how I felt about being married. Until I finally told Damien that I am restless and in need of something different. I told him it was time that we go somewhere. I told him how I really want to go to Moldova and maybe India because I've always wanted to wear a Sari. Damien agreed and talked over different scenario's but it didn't take long for me to realize Damien wasn't actually serious about it. It was a nice dream and all, but it probably wouldn't happen...so I was back to square one and the restlessness in me grew.

THEN! not even two days later I mentioned my growing restlessness to a friend who told me she had spent all of last summer in Moldova with some missionary friends!! It was so neat to hear because hardly anyone has ever heard of Moldova. That was all she told me, but somehow it made me happier.

The next day Damien went to church (and I slept cause we were up until four in the morning watching 24) and he had talked with our friend just randomly about it. Turns out there was more to the story. He came home and told me that not only did our friend spend all of last summer there, but that her missionary friends are looking to retire and are currently looking for a young couple to replace them!! As soon as he told me my spirit rose and my heart jumped. I had a feeling God was doing something! I didn't (AND STILL DON'T) think it is a coincidence that all this happened in a matter of days. I got so excited I started babbling to Damien about something along the lines of, "That's us Damien! That's for us! Let's go!" And then Damien, with a completely straight face started talking logically (who DOES THAT?) and went on about debt and planning and how this and that is in the way etc. AND how HE was prophesied over about how he shouldn't just walk through any door that is opened or something like that.

I then got mad. Mad because this was something I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, somewhere I KNOW I am supposed to go, and Damien, who by the way, always wondered what I would do if God wanted us to just "pick up and go" and here I am wanting to go and there is Damien making up excuses and using prophesy as reasons to NOT go anywhere. I was mad because it seems like I have always shadowed other people's dreams and other people's callings and I have yet to fall into my own dream and calling. And I was mad because it seemed yet again that I would have to give up my adventure so Damien could go on being comfortable and go on being afraid of change even though in his own heart he longs to be called away to a faraway place.

And so I cried. I cried in anger and sadness and disappointment and every sad emotion out there. And then I prayed because I knew that this adventure IS going to happen and I saw it in my mind. I saw myself with Damien and Athaliah on a plane heading to Moldova. I knew that this was MY adventure and it had to happen with or without Damien there. As I prayed I felt that God was telling me that this IS my adventure and it IS going to happen. I felt him say, "You hold onto that faith, and let me deal with Damien." Oh and I was happy again! I knew that God would set it right if it was meant to happen!

And then the next morning I talked with Damien about everything again. I told him that I knew he didn't feel pulled to leave but that I felt it, and my restlessness had a reason. I asked him if he would come even if the adventure wasn't for him (because before this he believed that any adventure was for him and not me.) I told him that I have my own story too and that I deserve to respond to the pulling. He agreed. He also agreed to pray about. And I was thankful.

Well he DID pray about it and guess what? Good ol' Faithful God has done what he said he would. He is working on Damien. He (Damien) has agreed to have faith about where God wants us and he is now working on our spending habits so we can pay off our debt so we can be free to go! Did you hear that? I AM GOING!!! I AM GOING ON MY ADVENTURE AND I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY CALLING AND MY DREAMS AND MY DESTINY!! It's finally happening and my heart is so full of Joy! I knew God would do it. I KNEW that I have to go.

Now Damien believes that this is going to take a few years but I don't think so. I see it happening much sooner than he thinks. I don't care anymore because at least now I know it is in motion. I know God is going to do it. When I was waitng and begging to be made well from my anxiety, it took two years of torture to get to where I am today. It doesn't seem like a lot on the grand scale but going through it felt like forever. After that ordeal I have a lot patience and trust that God will do what is best. I have a lot of faith because of what I went through. The whole time God showed me pictures of who I was going to be when it was all over. I thought at first it was a tease but I didn't let go and I am looking more and more like that person he showed me everyday.

So I will hold onto that picture of me on the airplane heading to Moldova. It will happen and I can't wait.

I am telling you. Have faith. No matter how long it takes I promise it is so worth it in the end. The experience will be richer and brighter and better than anything you can imagine than if you had cheaped out and gone your own way. No one knows what is best more than the one who created you and he delights in giving his children the desires of their hearts...which just so happens to be HIS heart. My heart speaks the language of love. For some it is other things. Stuff that comes naturally. Damien speaks the language of teaching. Passing on knowlege and information comes easy to him. It does not for me. I like to love. I love to hold people in my arms and cry with them. I love to take people's hands and pray with and for them. I love to speak encouraging words to broken people. I love to cuddle my child until she can't stand it. My language is love, and so if you are a Christian (and even if you are not!) please pray that this dream and calling can be fulfilled in whatever way it is meant to. Whether it means travelling abroad or staying home. Please pray that God will place Damien and our family wherever it needs to be and that I will find fulfillment in whatever task I am given. I love being a mom, and it would bring me so much joy to travel to Moldova to love all those abandoned and (supposed) unloved children.

For now, Erin.

Nature Scares Me

I love children...especially mine. I love babies and I always have but for once in my life I am scared of the thought of another one coming from me...literaly. Okay maybe not labour because if it's just as quick as last time I can handle it...but the thought of being sick for nine or more months makes me want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
A couple weeks ago I went off of birth control. I didn't mean to but I ran out and just haven't been able to make it to the doctors yet...and now it seems like I wont need to. Going off of the pill has been kind of crazy. All of a suddon my hormones are going wonky and one minute I want a child RIGHT NOW and then the other minute (which I believe is my heart...or maybe just logic) says, "NOOOOOO...NOT YET...ACTUALLY MAYBE NOT EVER!" The reason I feel "not ever" is because I am a narrow minded parent with one child and eyes for only that one child. My heart wants Athaliah and only her but I know deep down that I want more children. I just LOVE her sooo much and I feel that I would be almost betraying her to have another one...(sound nuts?) Also, I would feel terrible if I were to be sick again and I was unable to pour into my favorite little human being on earth, the way that I should. I feel that it would be unfair to her. Please tell me this is normal! AHHH!
So Damien and I were discussing the thought of more children and I told him that it was going to have to be his decision because I am incapable of making a rational one. Damien's mom warned him that as soon as Athaliah stops breastfeeding I am going to want another one. And sure enough to my surprise, my maternal instinct is starting to tell me that it is time to have more. Athaliah is only interested in breastfeeding at night...and as a result I am almost completely dry. I was talking with Damien though about the fact that "what if I get sick and then Athaliah is neglected?" and Damien calmly responded, "Well it may be harder on her when she is older." and so the question just became, "Do we want to have another child sooner or later?"
A part of me is up for the adventure and craving that feeling of being needed and wanted by "mommy" and another part of me loves what Athaliah wants from me and loves what I have and is content with that. I guess I just cant imagine loving anyone BUT Athaliah and I know at least that that is a normal feeling.
Damien said to me, "Erin if we leave it up to me, we will never have more because I can never plan things and I am not good at making decisions of that sort." And of course I am not good at it either because from one minute to another I cant make up my mind. The truth is I am terrified and at the same time I am trying to control the whole thing. I know God doesn't WANT me OR Damien to control anything. And so Damien and I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, we should let nature...or God decide when we are to have another child.
That was a scary moment. Leaving it up to God. Why does that scare me? Maybe because I KNOW he is in control. And maybe that means he is going to make me face my fears, and maybe he knows in 20 years I am going to laugh at the fact that I was so scared.

So to sum it up, Damien and I have decided to let God decide when our next child is going to make it's appearance on earth. We have decided that nature is better at making decisions than we are and we don't even think that people should even use birth control. However I don't want eight kids so there is a limit. I am going through this next phase in our life completely trusting on God and relying on him to help me through any trials or fears it may bring me. But I do have to say one thing, it is such a great feeling to make such a HUGE decision together with both of us completely aware of what we are doing. Athaliah was a surprise. A wonderful surprise but she wasn't planned between us, and now, we are in it together. We are both very clear of eachother's expectations and if it so happens (which I don't doubt is going to happen) that I get pregnant, we wont be shocked or upset, but our trust in God will just increase and we will lean on him to show us what to do next.

I am scared. Nope, I am terrified and completely unsure of the future, but my heart is excited and looking forward to the adventure. Besides, I am meant to be a mom to many, and some of them should be mine I think.

I'll Do It MYSELF!!

Sometimes, if no one gives you a helping hand, you just gotta pick it up and do it yourself. I am of course, referring to the Bass guitar. It has been a desire of mine to learn the Bass for a while but I discarded the thought because I was having a baby and I thought I would never be able to do anything ever again. I am so happy I picked it up again. I asked my husband what the credit limit was on our Visa and I headed to the best guitar store in the city. I almost immedietly saw the one I wanted and I didn't even care what the price tag was. (you gotta look at it as an investment...if your serious about something like that, you cant be cheap). So I was in the store for all of...ummm...maybe half an hour and then I was heading home to plug it in. However...I had NO IDEA how to play. I have never in my life ever even touched a Bass before I held mine (which I nicknamed "Precious" by the way) in my hands. I don't know chords, I don't know notes, I don't know squat. This was two weeks ago. Ummm, and now, my fingers tips are numb (this is not too bad because my baby is teething and she likes to bite my fingers...and now it doesn't hurt!) and I know the chords, and the notes, and I've been listening to all my favorite songs and playing more by ear than anything. My songs of choice are anything by John Mayer. Although this is not the wisest choice because I JUST started and John Mayer's stuff is a little advanced. But I figure, you can only be as good as your teacher, and if John Mayer's music is teaching me, I am in good hands. (no pun intended if you got that).

So yay for me! This is one life dream I can scratch off of my list and move onto the next one. I have been trying to practice as much as I can but I am constantly wanted by my daughter, my husband, my friends and I can never seem to find any time to myself. (all the mothers are replying "Tell me about it"). But if you are truely passionate about something, you aren't going to let a little, "Erin, your child just fell hard and smacked her head" or, "Erin, I think you are hawt when you play your Bass. Do you think you can meet me in the bedroom in 5? Oh, and bring the guitar", or even "Erin, your child hasn't eaten all day, are you going to feed her anytime soon?" get in your way of something you want. And I want to learn and master the Bass guitar. (Please don't call social services on me, I assure you my child is well fed and the bruises on her head were a result of Damien watching her...or not watching her)

And so with my Dad constantly watching over my shoulder as I screw up and then interrupting me with how well HE can play it on HIS electric guitar, I push on in my quest to master the Bass. I will contunue to play until maybe one day when my dream of playing with the legend that is John Mayer is realized (it's JUST a dream, I am sure of that one) I will just play and play and play until my fingers fall off. And maybe I'll sing too cause I can do that.
My heart is satisfied every time I look over at my Precious. The smooth wood showing every detail of the grain, the black body with a burst of red in the middle dotted with my fingerprints here and there (very lonvingly placed I assure you) and every string set to the right tune. Ahh the joys of being infatuated with a new instrument.

And so I head off to bed with the tune of plucking Bass notes from "Slow dancing in a burning room" in my head, and imagining myself on stage with everyone relying on me and the drummer to bring the beat. John Mayer, you are a good teacher, and Damien, your Visa is a good credit card, and Oh my Precious, you are a great Bass guitar.

Good Night.