Why is it that our fathers affect us so much? Why do they have the power to keep us going through the hardest times of life and also make us enjoy the best times? Why do they hold the power destroy us and also make us into the people we’ve always wanted? Why do they have more of this power than our mothers?
I have issues with my dad that never really bothered me until I got married and had kids of my own. I always thought I was so lucky to have the relationship with my dad that I did. Looking back I can see how off it was. No dad is perfect; we all know that, but some dads just really know how to connect with their kids better than others. The way of life in my home growing up was that if you weren’t playing a video game with my dad or at least watching him play a video game, then you wouldn’t get the time of day no matter how hard you tried. My dad had a one way brain and it was always focused on the television. I loved my dad, so I learned how to play video games. Unfortunately I could never be as good as my brother Glenn and my dad made sure I knew that. He didn’t do it on purpose I don’t think, and he didn’t do it to hurt me either. It didn’t back then, but now when I think about it, it really does hurt. Only because as I grew up I was always told about how someone was always better than me at whatever I attempted. Glenn was better at video games, "Cousin Gloria" was better at piano...etc. I was really good at drawing and when I drew I shaded my work. Dad taught me how to do it and I was very proud of myself...until Glenn started to pass me in talent and then it was all about his artwork. At least I still had my poetry. I write poetry and that is the one thing no one has been able to take from me. But then as I got older and more interested in boys, I searched for my dad and his answers. I wanted to know what kind of guy would prove to deserve me. I was searching for someone to set a standard. I looked for my dad to show me. He showed me the back of his head as it stared at the television. I looked at my brother. He also showed me the back of his head and frequently the back of his fist too. I began to get angry and rebellious. I was “grounded” every weekend but it never stopped me from leaving the house and running away. I knew my dad couldn’t really catch me if his hands were glued to the controller for the latest video game he was playing, so I did whatever I wanted. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up with a lot of guys at a very young age that I should have stayed far away from. I didn’t really know better. The boys at school teased me and some threw rocks at me while I waited for the bus to go home. The male teachers didn’t do anything if I told them what happened to me. And when I came home bawling my eyes out from the amount of abuse I had to endure at school, my dad would continue doing what he did best: ignoring me. I look back and know that the only reason I ran away so often was so that maybe one day my dad would come after me. That he would find me and rescue me from all the men that took advantage of his little girl. That he would grab me and hold me in his arms and cry because he couldn’t stand to lose his little girl. It never happened. Only once did my dad actually come after me but that was only because my brother found out I was meeting a guy MUCH older than me and told on me. They found me at a train station about an hour later. I don’t feel any resentment towards him for that. He bought me and my brother Subway Subs for dinner on the way home.
However, the time where a girl needs her parents the most is when entering the teenage years. My parents divorced just after I turned 14. I ended up on Paxil and some anti-psychotic and in group therapy. The Paxil made me so sick I missed a lot of school. The anti-psychotic made me sleep until my body got used to it so I somehow managed to get a higher dose and I quit group therapy because all they did was gossip about people they went to school with. I was so wrecked from being split up between my mom, my dad and my brother that I just couldn’t handle it. If I went to visit my dad and brother my mom made me feel like a terrible person. When I got to my dad’s I had to fend for myself because what was my dad doing? PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!
Around this time my dad starting hanging out with a woman he knew from his bus route named Trisha. She had a daughter who was a few years younger than me. The only thing I remember from my dad’s relationship with her was that he would always tell me how beautiful Trisha was and how beautiful her daughter Chelsea was. THEN dear Chelsea started to DRAW for my dad and dad had to report to me how great of an artist Chelsea was, and did he forget to mention she was beautiful?? Day in and day out it was all about Trisha, Chelsea and video game jargon. I never once heard how beautiful I was. Sure, I was really geeky and SKINNY and I had bucked teeth, but even if I am the ugliest girl in the world, you still need to tell me that I am the most beautiful. I didn’t hear it from any male in my life. Not. One. This has affected me so deeply today. I have a really hard time believing Damien when he tells me I am beautiful but deep down it’s all I want to hear over and over. I wanted to hear from my DAD how beautiful I was, how talented I was and that he is so proud of me. I just...don’t know why he didn’t. I was the only kid out of my brother Glenn and my sister Marian who graduated High School. I waited until AFTER I was married to have kids and I married an amazing Christian man. I fell in love with the concept of the Bass Guitar and purchased one. I don’t play it often anymore because I am terrified of my dad’s criticism. Every time I begin to play he runs upstairs and starts bragging to me about Jeff Beck’s Bass player who is a woman and how amazingly talented she is and so on. I don’t sing much anymore...at least not while dad is around...or even Damien. Every time I sing in front of dad he laughs as though he is embarrassed. Also he has to point out how my music is not music. Only the music of HIS generation is music. If I show an interest in one of dad’s favourite bands he acts as though that is expected of me. But there is ALWAYS someone he knows who is better at me in everything. As I grow spiritually, my poetry grows and is more focused on spiritual things. I don’t read them to my Dad anymore because he doesn’t understand. He made fun of me one time for believing that prophecy still exists. I don’t sing for him anymore because the songs that make me alive are about Jesus. And I don’t play the piano anymore at all because I have to hear an hour long lecture about “cousin Gloria” who can play ANYTHING on her fantastic grand piano.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I’ve just always felt second...or third best. Not once has my dad ever made me feel like I am his most prized jewel. When a woman wants to be loved, she wants her daddy to love her first unconditionally and then her husband has to take over and love her even more.
This is why I have a hard time relating to God as my father. I don’t know how to explain this but God is WAY MORE than my father ever could be. My Jesus is more to me than that. A father to me is just someone else in the world. God; Jesus; is the almighty King that reigns far above and beyond anything I can comprehend. For me to call God my father would be for me to demean Him. It would be making Him less than what He is to me. God takes care of me more than I ask for. He tells me I am His “Little Erin” and whenever someone says something to me that they believe is from God, I know it’s Him when they begin by telling me that I am a “Jewel” or a “treasure”. He tells me that I am HIS jewel and HIS treasure. My dad wouldn’t even think of words like that. God protects me and stands up for me. My dad was always too chicken. Parents are supposed to be “God” to their children. We are supposed to represent who God IS to our kids. My mom tried. She still tries. Even with her issues and past afflictions. My dad is just a guy who happens to be my father. But my King is Jesus and I am loyal to him first before anyone. Out of every single person on this earth, I can truly say that Jesus is the only one who has ever loved me unconditionally. I mean that I can feel His unconditional love. Everyone else has standards that I can’t live up to; ever. Not God. I KNOW He loves me because He proves it to me all the time. No one else does what He does. No one else goes to the lengths that He does. And for this I am so thankful.
On earth I hurt because of how my dad has damaged me. But I know without a doubt that when I walk into the presence of GOD, that because it means so much to me, He will wrap me in his arms, hold me so tight and tell me everything my dad never did. He’s going to tell me that I AM beautiful because He made me that way. He is going to tell me that I AM SO talented because He wanted me to make Him proud. And He’ll tell me that He IS proud of me for everything I accomplished and everything I attempted but failed at. He is going to tell me that those rocks the boys threw at me mean nothing now, that the things that men did to me when I was just a child were wrong but that they don’t matter anymore because I am restored. He’ll tell me that He is honoured to be the one to affirm me finally and fill my heart to the point of bursting. He’ll make me look in his eyes that brim with tears so that I’ll know without a doubt that He is telling the truth. He’ll tell me that it is okay now; that I am safe now; that no one will ever hurt me again. And I will spend forever in eternity with that unconditional love that always came to my rescue on earth.
I love Jesus. He’s bigger and better than any man ever could be.
And now He’s assuring me He’ll be there when I am done ranting about my dad and decide to let go of the resentment and forgive him.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
WAKE UP PEOPLE OF JESUS!!!
Today isn't such a good day but that's just because I am supposed to be in Montreal with my mom and I am not. I'm at home in an empty house sitting in my misery.
Aside from that though, I've spent the last couple days pondering my lovely Jesus and and the spiritual world that I can't see. I'd like to share what I've learned and also why I love Jesus so much.
So I was looking on Facebook "groups" and came across a Satanist group. Curious to see what Satanists talk about, I clicked on the group and opened a can of worms that has sent me completely reeling for a couple days. First off I felt there was a layer of protection around me as I read this stuff and researched things pertaining to Satan and so for your sake I ask God right now to protect you as I write and explain things that may be disturbing or upsetting to you. The unknown is always scary but just remember that God is bigger and more powerful than anything Satan can throw at us.
Okay so I started reading this stuff in this group about what Satanists believe and I was shocked at how totally TWISTED this stuff was. It listed 11 commandments that Satan gave to some guy and most of it sounded like God's commandments, just turned around. For example, Satan commands that his followers worship no other God but him, and so on. I found it amazing that people were so into Satan believing that he actually LOVES them!! At first I was quite upset that it seems these people are so spiritual and that they know more about spirituality etc. than most Christians. I was mad because God doesn't seem to be as present as Satan does. I read that Satan gives his people Demon's to work with and Demon's to teach you everything you need to know and that Satan himself will reveal himself to you. They say that when you give your life and your soul to Satan he will immediately start to invest in you and look after you when you are in trouble by sending Demons to your side. Like I said, this bothered me at first because as disturbing as it is, it seems like he is very present and God is so distant and far away and we never get to see the angels that God sends to our side when we are in trouble. But then God explained to me that he looks after his people in the way he does because that is all he has. He gives incentives to people and tells them he will give them great wealth and happiness (this is actually one of his decrees or promises). But THAT IS ALL HE HAS!!! Without people to keep under his control he has nothing. He lures them in with worldly promises and promises that do not benefit your soul. He tells them to give in to every human pleasure and warns them not to be lured by the false and evil Christian God called Jehovah. They know full well that God exists but they refuse to call him anything but Jehovah. They also acknowledge that Jesus exists but they call him "The Nazarene". They said to be careful because Jehovah's angels are beginning to reveal themselves. And two of his decrees I found most interesting and humorous was that Satan believes he is going to live forever. He must know he isn't but he obviously likes to tell his followers this. And also, "Three things are against me and I hate three things". A satanist explained that this means the "xian trinity".
Overall the things he teaches is fascinating because I can clearly see how wrong, twisted and pathetic it is. The website says, "In contrast to the helpful Demons Satan provides us with, angels are cruel, unfeeling, sadistic, and evil beings who look down upon humanity. One only needs to look at the Christian bible, especially the book of revelation. Angels have repeatedly been messengers of misfortune and instigators of mass murder. Many times, beings and entities from the Christian 'god' will masquerade as Demons, or spirits of Satan. Remember, the Christian 'god' uses ignorance and fear to enslave humanity. People who are open to Christianity or actual Christians are the most vulnerable to negative influences. Some who investigate Satanism and the occult have a bad or terrifying experience, go running back to Christianity, more holy than ever before, and rant about how 'evil' Satan is, when all along it was the Christian 'god' and his angels, frightening them back into the fold". ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It's so sad to see how blind these people are. And yet it's even sadder that most Christians don't even know this stuff. They don't know how our enemy really works. They don't know the tactics he is using to gain followers. It's funny because everything I just said could be something a Satanist could say about us. When I read this stuff and think about Christianity, I see this mental picture:
It's a dark daylight but instead of grey clouds and sky it looks more orange with a red hue. On Satan's side of the camp you see Demons working like mad gathering anyone who will fight for them. They work tirelessly trying to equip humans with their black armor that seem to come alive when it touches their skin. Some armor actually absorbs into their bodies and they become a completely different entity. Almost like they are no longer human because they don't have any more say over their bodies. All around the perimeter of the camp there is Chaos and noise. Nothing is able to be interpreted, there's just noise and unrest. There are some humans on the edge of the camp unsure of whether they want to be involved in battle at all but surrounding them are more Demons trying to alter their senses and persuading them to join. They whisper to them that they wont have to fight they just have to give their souls to "Father Satan". Who needs their souls anyway? As soon as they are convinced they are brought in to the camp and covered with armor, given a wicked weapon and sent out. All around them are animal corpses and the stench of evil and perverted messes but all the humans see is the earth in it's blue and green glory. They can't see any of the darkness surrounding them and so they continue on in their ways not knowing what they are opposing. The one thing that stands out about this army is that they are passionate. Every one of them come to know Satan and what he is capable of. They join in on his arrogant and selfish ways. By the time they go to battle, they all know who they are fighting for. Despite the constant quaralling among each other and the death, they are all unified with one purpose. Others will see the mess and the Chaos and try to run but unless they run into Jesus' camp, they never make it.
Over on Jesus' side it is quiet and peaceful. The sky is no different but over here it just seems kinda beautiful and still. The people within are happy and content. There are MANY people in this camp but they seem to be split off into huge groups that could even look like cliques. One group is full of humans on their knees in intercession. These people are aware that there is a battle on the horizon. These people know there is already war being fought just outside the camps. They are asking God to fight on their behalf and sitting in the midst of them are angels going over God's battle strategy with his willing people. In another group we see restless Christians. They can't sit still so they are always moving. They want to get going into the war and fight. Most have no clue what they are even fighting for, they just want to go. Sometimes they end up fighting with each other and between them are angels trying to keep the peace and keep them focused on their Jesus and their goal. There are other groups just standing around looking like a deer in the headlights. They have no clue what they are supposed to be doing. You see angels trying to assist them with their sparkling silver armor and they are looking around bewildered. You see other angels trying to explain to them how to use their weapon over and over and not getting anywhere. And again in another group you see the people all wearing the same sparkling armor but arguing about theirs being better and stronger than their brother. This group is also arguing about how their denominations are better and more effective than their brother's denomination. Despite this there are other groups of hundreds of people and angels worshipping together. They are singing with all their hearts and this seems to brighten other Christians and encourages the ones who feel lost. There is another group made up of mostly women. They are the ones healing the wounds of those who went out to battle and got injured. They are the ones gently bringing deliverence to those who managed to escape the enemy's camp. They are the mothers who go around with words of encouragement and love to heal the wounds that most of God's followers brought with them before they even knew God. Some are self-inflicted and others were a direct result of the enemy. When you are not in the protection of Jesus' camp you are free game to enemy and his Demons.
And within all these groups all around and inside this camp are THOUSANDS of people sound asleep. They are curled up in one spot peacefully sleeping and totally unaware of what is going on around them. You see angels trying to shake them awake and even other humans trying to get them to wake up but to no avail. They are then informed that those who are sleeping are choosing to sleep. Some will wake up and take up their spots at the front lines and other will sleep right through battle until Jesus comes. They know Him and they love Him but they have excuses of how they "just didn't get enough sleep the night before". They choose not to wake up. The one thing that stands out about this army is that the King they are fighting for knows each one intimately and loves them so deeply he is willing to to spend an eternity raising them up to properly fight. He is patient and kind with each one. He waits to begin full on battle just in case one more decides to join him. He cares for and heals each person that comes to him for help. He personally greets them and raises them up to be proper warriors. And even though this army is still lacking complete unity, when the horn sounds to announce Jesus' arrival, they will all straighten up and come to full attention and in that time they will all know EXACTLY what they need to do and WHO they are fighting for.
God has shown me that Satan has nothing to hold onto. Not permanently anyway. He gives his followers fake promises and tells them that the Christian God is the one who is evil.
I read a book called, "Just Give Me Jesus" and in it the author describes how while in England, she met a banker who dealt specifically with money fraud. She said to him basically, "Wow, you must spend hours looking at different types of counterfeit money!" and he replied, "On the contrary, I spend hours looking at the real thing. That way I will know the difference instantly when there is a counterfeit." This is what we need to do and do not do it!!! So like I said, although I researched the enemy's followers and looked at the counterfeit, I seem to not spend enough time studying and getting to know the real thing. When I do, then I will know when anything that is not of God comes along.
And so with this said, I am encouraged and happy that I am in the process of getting to know the King that I worship. I speak to all those who are choosing to sleep to WAKE UP! Get on your armor, grab your weapon, go spend some time with Jesus so you will know his plans and then fight. We wont lose if we listen to Him. Satan will NOT live forever and Satan does NOT love his followers and he does NOT love you.
Just think about it a little bit.
Aside from that though, I've spent the last couple days pondering my lovely Jesus and and the spiritual world that I can't see. I'd like to share what I've learned and also why I love Jesus so much.
So I was looking on Facebook "groups" and came across a Satanist group. Curious to see what Satanists talk about, I clicked on the group and opened a can of worms that has sent me completely reeling for a couple days. First off I felt there was a layer of protection around me as I read this stuff and researched things pertaining to Satan and so for your sake I ask God right now to protect you as I write and explain things that may be disturbing or upsetting to you. The unknown is always scary but just remember that God is bigger and more powerful than anything Satan can throw at us.
Okay so I started reading this stuff in this group about what Satanists believe and I was shocked at how totally TWISTED this stuff was. It listed 11 commandments that Satan gave to some guy and most of it sounded like God's commandments, just turned around. For example, Satan commands that his followers worship no other God but him, and so on. I found it amazing that people were so into Satan believing that he actually LOVES them!! At first I was quite upset that it seems these people are so spiritual and that they know more about spirituality etc. than most Christians. I was mad because God doesn't seem to be as present as Satan does. I read that Satan gives his people Demon's to work with and Demon's to teach you everything you need to know and that Satan himself will reveal himself to you. They say that when you give your life and your soul to Satan he will immediately start to invest in you and look after you when you are in trouble by sending Demons to your side. Like I said, this bothered me at first because as disturbing as it is, it seems like he is very present and God is so distant and far away and we never get to see the angels that God sends to our side when we are in trouble. But then God explained to me that he looks after his people in the way he does because that is all he has. He gives incentives to people and tells them he will give them great wealth and happiness (this is actually one of his decrees or promises). But THAT IS ALL HE HAS!!! Without people to keep under his control he has nothing. He lures them in with worldly promises and promises that do not benefit your soul. He tells them to give in to every human pleasure and warns them not to be lured by the false and evil Christian God called Jehovah. They know full well that God exists but they refuse to call him anything but Jehovah. They also acknowledge that Jesus exists but they call him "The Nazarene". They said to be careful because Jehovah's angels are beginning to reveal themselves. And two of his decrees I found most interesting and humorous was that Satan believes he is going to live forever. He must know he isn't but he obviously likes to tell his followers this. And also, "Three things are against me and I hate three things". A satanist explained that this means the "xian trinity".
Overall the things he teaches is fascinating because I can clearly see how wrong, twisted and pathetic it is. The website says, "In contrast to the helpful Demons Satan provides us with, angels are cruel, unfeeling, sadistic, and evil beings who look down upon humanity. One only needs to look at the Christian bible, especially the book of revelation. Angels have repeatedly been messengers of misfortune and instigators of mass murder. Many times, beings and entities from the Christian 'god' will masquerade as Demons, or spirits of Satan. Remember, the Christian 'god' uses ignorance and fear to enslave humanity. People who are open to Christianity or actual Christians are the most vulnerable to negative influences. Some who investigate Satanism and the occult have a bad or terrifying experience, go running back to Christianity, more holy than ever before, and rant about how 'evil' Satan is, when all along it was the Christian 'god' and his angels, frightening them back into the fold". ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It's so sad to see how blind these people are. And yet it's even sadder that most Christians don't even know this stuff. They don't know how our enemy really works. They don't know the tactics he is using to gain followers. It's funny because everything I just said could be something a Satanist could say about us. When I read this stuff and think about Christianity, I see this mental picture:
It's a dark daylight but instead of grey clouds and sky it looks more orange with a red hue. On Satan's side of the camp you see Demons working like mad gathering anyone who will fight for them. They work tirelessly trying to equip humans with their black armor that seem to come alive when it touches their skin. Some armor actually absorbs into their bodies and they become a completely different entity. Almost like they are no longer human because they don't have any more say over their bodies. All around the perimeter of the camp there is Chaos and noise. Nothing is able to be interpreted, there's just noise and unrest. There are some humans on the edge of the camp unsure of whether they want to be involved in battle at all but surrounding them are more Demons trying to alter their senses and persuading them to join. They whisper to them that they wont have to fight they just have to give their souls to "Father Satan". Who needs their souls anyway? As soon as they are convinced they are brought in to the camp and covered with armor, given a wicked weapon and sent out. All around them are animal corpses and the stench of evil and perverted messes but all the humans see is the earth in it's blue and green glory. They can't see any of the darkness surrounding them and so they continue on in their ways not knowing what they are opposing. The one thing that stands out about this army is that they are passionate. Every one of them come to know Satan and what he is capable of. They join in on his arrogant and selfish ways. By the time they go to battle, they all know who they are fighting for. Despite the constant quaralling among each other and the death, they are all unified with one purpose. Others will see the mess and the Chaos and try to run but unless they run into Jesus' camp, they never make it.
Over on Jesus' side it is quiet and peaceful. The sky is no different but over here it just seems kinda beautiful and still. The people within are happy and content. There are MANY people in this camp but they seem to be split off into huge groups that could even look like cliques. One group is full of humans on their knees in intercession. These people are aware that there is a battle on the horizon. These people know there is already war being fought just outside the camps. They are asking God to fight on their behalf and sitting in the midst of them are angels going over God's battle strategy with his willing people. In another group we see restless Christians. They can't sit still so they are always moving. They want to get going into the war and fight. Most have no clue what they are even fighting for, they just want to go. Sometimes they end up fighting with each other and between them are angels trying to keep the peace and keep them focused on their Jesus and their goal. There are other groups just standing around looking like a deer in the headlights. They have no clue what they are supposed to be doing. You see angels trying to assist them with their sparkling silver armor and they are looking around bewildered. You see other angels trying to explain to them how to use their weapon over and over and not getting anywhere. And again in another group you see the people all wearing the same sparkling armor but arguing about theirs being better and stronger than their brother. This group is also arguing about how their denominations are better and more effective than their brother's denomination. Despite this there are other groups of hundreds of people and angels worshipping together. They are singing with all their hearts and this seems to brighten other Christians and encourages the ones who feel lost. There is another group made up of mostly women. They are the ones healing the wounds of those who went out to battle and got injured. They are the ones gently bringing deliverence to those who managed to escape the enemy's camp. They are the mothers who go around with words of encouragement and love to heal the wounds that most of God's followers brought with them before they even knew God. Some are self-inflicted and others were a direct result of the enemy. When you are not in the protection of Jesus' camp you are free game to enemy and his Demons.
And within all these groups all around and inside this camp are THOUSANDS of people sound asleep. They are curled up in one spot peacefully sleeping and totally unaware of what is going on around them. You see angels trying to shake them awake and even other humans trying to get them to wake up but to no avail. They are then informed that those who are sleeping are choosing to sleep. Some will wake up and take up their spots at the front lines and other will sleep right through battle until Jesus comes. They know Him and they love Him but they have excuses of how they "just didn't get enough sleep the night before". They choose not to wake up. The one thing that stands out about this army is that the King they are fighting for knows each one intimately and loves them so deeply he is willing to to spend an eternity raising them up to properly fight. He is patient and kind with each one. He waits to begin full on battle just in case one more decides to join him. He cares for and heals each person that comes to him for help. He personally greets them and raises them up to be proper warriors. And even though this army is still lacking complete unity, when the horn sounds to announce Jesus' arrival, they will all straighten up and come to full attention and in that time they will all know EXACTLY what they need to do and WHO they are fighting for.
God has shown me that Satan has nothing to hold onto. Not permanently anyway. He gives his followers fake promises and tells them that the Christian God is the one who is evil.
I read a book called, "Just Give Me Jesus" and in it the author describes how while in England, she met a banker who dealt specifically with money fraud. She said to him basically, "Wow, you must spend hours looking at different types of counterfeit money!" and he replied, "On the contrary, I spend hours looking at the real thing. That way I will know the difference instantly when there is a counterfeit." This is what we need to do and do not do it!!! So like I said, although I researched the enemy's followers and looked at the counterfeit, I seem to not spend enough time studying and getting to know the real thing. When I do, then I will know when anything that is not of God comes along.
And so with this said, I am encouraged and happy that I am in the process of getting to know the King that I worship. I speak to all those who are choosing to sleep to WAKE UP! Get on your armor, grab your weapon, go spend some time with Jesus so you will know his plans and then fight. We wont lose if we listen to Him. Satan will NOT live forever and Satan does NOT love his followers and he does NOT love you.
Just think about it a little bit.
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