Yep...it's definitely anger

Hello my few faithful readers, I hope you are all well and NOT suffering from any flu so serious that it takes your life or the life of those around you. I heard last week that a man my age and someone I went to High School with, just passed away from the H1N1 virus. So sad. I don't have the flu. Instead I believe I have a case of Laryngitis. My upper airway is on fire and I have completely lost my voice. Some people are enjoying my silence!! HAHA.

Anyway, I am writing with an update to my last post. Since writing it, I opened up to the women I have a book study with about the trauma I am dealing with and the anger and the hurt and the demonic visits (night terrors) I was experiencing. I say "demonic visits" because one of the ladies prayed and felt that it was not my brain experiencing these things but an actual demon terrorizing me. That didn't help my sleep. The night I wrote my last entry was the night I opened up to the women in my group. Unfortunately, the demonic activity increased THAT night until Sunday when our church had two guest speakers. Their names are Mac and Louise. They have worked with Jackie Pullenger in Hong Kong and own no home. They just travel from here to Kelowna to Hong Kong and all over. So they were at our church speaking. When they were done they began to pray and minister to our congregation. Louise zeroed in on me. Damien felt during the service that I should tell Mac and Louise about my trauma afterwards but I was unsure because I've opened myself up before (at Entheos healing retreat through Ellel ministries) and was very disappointed at the lack of prayer for it. But the more I thought of it, the more I felt that I should...only because I was desperate for prayer from the night terrors and to explain the reason behind them, I had to explain what happened to me.
ANYWAY, Louise came up to me (my head was in my hands already...feeling the spirit all over the room) and before she even touched me she said, "WOW. I can tell that you are a very amazing person." Which made me sob. She touched my shoulder and said, "Erin, I feel that MANY people have taken advantage of you." Loud sobbing. "Wow, it's been hard and painful hasn't it?" Nodding and crying harder. She allowed me to cry and prayed that Jesus' spirit would come and wrap himself around me and hide me. I was aware of just me, Louise and Jesus. Louise said to me, "Erin Jesus wants you to know that he is right here. He's RIGHT here." And I cried harder, knowing that it was true because I felt him. She said to just let him hold me and allow him to heal my pain at that moment. I don't think she said anything for a while but I do remember God saying that he KNEW my pain and what I was going through and that he was going to stay close to me and be with me. After some time, Louise said that she sensed some father wounds. I nodded. She then said that after seeing me with Endon during the worship, she felt that Endon was going to heal those wounds my father gave me. She said that he was still too small to really heal them yet but that God was already beginning to heal me using Endon. I cried hard all over again because Endon and I have a super special bond after his ordeal last December. Louise kept repeating how amazing I was and shaking her head. I don't know how I knew this because I was just sobbing into my hands. When I felt that my aching had subsided I looked up to see that I was surrounded by all my male friends in the church! There was a semi-Circle around me that included Damien and they were all praying with Louise for me. I felt that I needed to share my story with her but I was nervous because of all the men surrounding me. None of them knew anything. I began, and as I progressed, one of my friends, Andrew, began shaking and crying. I was too nervous to see what the rest were doing. I then told her about my night terrors and how they were getting worse. She told me that because we were so close to Halloween, the spiritual activity was really prevalent. She prayed a rather quick prayer over me and then said she had to go but that it was then up to Damien as the head of the household to pray over his wife for as long as it takes. But before she left she got my phone number and told me she was going to call me the next day to check up on me.
As promised I got a call from Louise the next day and I happily reported no night terror the night before. In my mind though I didn't think it would last because I didn't get them every day anyway. And so that night Damien prayed over me and I prayed over myself just to be safe and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning having had no night terror. As of now, November 14th, I have not had a single night terror. I am so thankful to God because now that this annoyance is out of the way, I can focus on proper healing.

I find it amazing how when we are dealing with something at the present time, God brings people, situations and random things into your life exactly when you need it. Damien and I go to our church every Tuesday evening for a class based on the YWAM (Youth with a mission) DTS course called "Quest". For the past few weeks it's been dealing with forgiveness and different things surrounding "cataracts" and other things that keep us from seeing the Kingdom properly and also God Himself. Two weeks ago I acknowledged that I have not truly forgiven my brother-in-law for what was done to me. I admitted (without going into any detail) that I was severely angry and still dealing with that anger. Last week we discussed wounds that our fathers have caused that may make us look at God in a certain way. I again admitted my anger and unforgiveness but we left it at that because it was too much for me to get into. All this to say, I have been feeling like God is really wanting me to deal with this anger as soon as possible. I know I can't truly forgive my brother-in-law until I deal with the anger aspect. I even had a dream this afternoon of my sister (go figure) and her husband was there. I picked up a bunch of rather large rocks and threw them at him and called my sister names I will not repeat here. On one hand I see that my anger is not good but on the other hand, finally admitting it has helped me come to grips with the anger and has motivated me to rid myself of it. And I love how God KNOWS me! He knows what I am going through! I met again with the ladies for our book study and one of them pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me, explaining that she had a word for each of us. I read it, and it blew my mind. This is what it said,

"Erin, strength, courage, boldness does not come without a price. You may be mocked and you may be slandered, but know that I am with you and you are walking in My will, doing what I ask, no matter the cost. Whether you be rejected, I will be with you; they will be rejecting Me too. So come to Me to receive the acceptance and healing you need. It's OKAY to be angry, but do not sin in your anger for the enemy will try to get a foothold in your life with it. Take your anger to Me and I will give you peace beyond your circumstances. Bless those who curse you. Do good to those who hurt you. Shine my light above your circumstances. Not in your strength, but in MINE."

I was speechless. I am meditating on these words and I am slowly coming to a place where I am ready to take this head on, unwavering and firm. It's time and I am almost ready. I want to be free of this trauma and all it's stages before I die or before Christ comes back. I don't want to sin, and I don't want to be angry. That's all there is to it. If I ever have a hope of being like Jesus or even like Brother Lawrence, I have to rid myself of anything that does not glorify God. Anger to the point of sin is definitely one of those things that need to go.

And so, with all this revelation and the knowledge that I am not alone...I am trudging into territory I've never been. It's the territory of standing up for myself and letting the anger goooooooo. Like actually letting it OUT of me. I believe it will feel good. And I know the process will be painful but I also believe that I will overcome it. In fact, I know I will.

So with no voice I leave it at that. My next post will be regarding my recent week long trip to Montreal! Ohhh I am so excited to share it with you!

Love always, Erin B.