This is ME

I want to say that I have been to some unknown tropical island in the middle of the ocean. I want to sing my heart out and not care who is listening. I want to be free to go anywhere whenever I want to. I want to have free evenings along with my weekends in my cell phone plan. I want to lay hands on people and see them become well with my very eyes. I want to lead just ONE person to Christ. I want to see Jesus in person. I want to meet John Mayer. I want to go somewhere romantic and beautiful with Damien. I want Damien to do something completely out of character but wonderful. I want Damien to make love to me under the stars. I want Damien to tell the world how wonderful and beautiful he thinks I am. I want Athaliah to grow up knowing that Jesus loves her more than her parents do. I want to master my Bass guitar. I want to record an album. I want to learn Arabic. I want to speak in an assembly of Jr. High students. I want to dress up completely gothic and preach the gospel just to see people’s expressions. I want to tell Athaliah that she CAN do whatever she wants in life until she is old and grey. I want to be the best mother that I can be. I want to change my appearance at the drop of a hat. I want to wear wigs more often. I want to figure out what make-up looks best on me. I want to learn how to create meshes and things for The Sims 2. I want to brush my teeth more. I want to care about sad things in the news. I want to wear my wedding dress again for a whole day. I want to go sledding down the hill I used to go down as a child. I want to find my friend Celeste from grade 4. I want to play the piano.
My favorite food is Pizza with extra cheese. My favorite colour is purple and red. My favorite game is Balderdash. My favorite movie is The Notebook. My favorite actors are Ryan Gosling and Dustin Hoffman. My favorite day is December 7th because that’s when Athaliah was born. My favorite thing to do is write songs and poetry. My favorite music is anything by Josh Groban and John Mayer. I love red roses. I love the smell of Vanilla candles because it reminds me of my childhood. I love Christmas lights but not Christmas. I love to give if I have anything to give. I love to spoil Athaliah with clothes and kisses. I love the story of The Little Mermaid. I love softly falling snow with no wind. I love to fill the car with gas because I love the smell of the gas station. I love east Indians and Arabs because they fascinate me. I love babies of all kinds. I love photography. My favorite picture of all time is a famous painting of Jesus. I love stained glass. I love the Victorian and Medieval era. I love to dress up. I love Diamonds more than Ruby’s and other jewels. I love to watch Sesame Street because Elmo is so darn cute. My favorite place to eat is the Crepery in Kensington. I can never get enough of the song “These Words” by Natasha Beddingfield. I love my brother so much it aches. I love to spend time with my Grandma because she is all I have left. I love watching Athaliah when she thinks no one is watching her. I love the smell of cinnamon. I love cheesecake. I love looking at people’s eyes. I like to stare at people when they walk past me. I like telling people that I think they are beautiful. I love Perez Hilton even though he is gay. I love The Chronicles of Narnia. I love shopping. My favorite plant is a Venus Fly trap. My favorite insect is a Ladybug. My favorite type of car is Volkswagen because it reminds me of my sister. My favorite doll is a porcelain doll named “Kathy”. I love my skin. I love my hair when it is done. I love to wear my glasses sometimes. I love to look in the mirror. I love to watch Damien sleep. I love Damien. I love having my picture taken.
I hate when people don’t listen. I hate when people talk about themselves more than anything else. I hate when people talk about me behind my back. I hate when people don’t tell the truth. I hate when people talk as if they understand Jesus but have no clue who he is. I hate when people say they have talked with Jesus but he’s “not for them” after all. I hate when I am rejected from anything. I hate when Rogers Video calls me to tell me my movies are late as if I had no idea. I hate telemarketers that wake up my baby who WAS sleeping. I hate being woken up in the morning. I hate school. I hate that the people who made fun of me growing up are no further in life than they were back then. I hate that sometimes good people die and bad people live happily. I hate that homelessness exists. I hate that people abuse their children. I hate that people care about nothing but themselves when they drive. I hate that strangers are afraid to talk to each other like they have the plague. I hate Strawberries and Blueberries because they make me barf. I don’t like birds. I don’t like long trips in the car. I don’t like Football. I don’t like any sport because I was rejected from every team growing up. I hate cigarette smoke because it gave my Dad cancer twice and he is still smoking. I don’t like being called on the phone more than once in one day by the same person unless there is a valid reason.

This is me. Hate me, love me or don't decide... but there should be no surprises anymore. I am who I am and I no longer care who thinks I should be different. This post was inspired by my best friend Nikayla who posted a similar note on Facebook. It totally made me think about who I am.

Let It Go

I was thinking one day about all the people I wish I could say things to if I had the chance...and I was mad that those chances weren't happening because of them. My sister hates me and refuses to speak to me, my ex-boyfriend who I hurt badly and I want to apologize to him...he refuses to hear it...
My friend told me one day as I was explaining my frustration that the circumstances relating to those situations are not my fault. For instance, the fact that my sister wont give me the time of day, although I am involved in it, are not my fault but are a result of my sister's own hurt and emotional pain in the things that have happened in her life to lead to her not talking to me. It is her own issues that have made it hard for her to deal with things and the way SHE is reacts is not on me and is not for me to carry. I thought out of everyone who has ever given me advice, this made the most sense to me. It lifted that weight and I feel so much better.
So out this experience, a poem was born. The first part is me, and the second is God. Enjoy ;)

Holding onto the poison slowly killing me inside,
When will I let go of it; get it off of my mind?
What is it that makes me hold on? I'm running out of time.
It wont be long before it kills me and Lord, I don't want to die.

Take me by the hand and lead me away from this place,
It's dark and it's keeping me from fully seeing your face.
Take me to the water, where it's crystal clear and blue,
I'll drink deep of your love and grace, as long as I am with you.

This burdon is too heavy for me, I need to let it go.
It wasn't even mine to carry, so help me let it go.
Help me let it go, help me let it go.



Holding onto the poison slowly killing you inside,
When will you let go of it; get it off of your mind?
What is it that makes you hold on? You're running out of time.
It wont be long before it kills you and no, you don't want to die.

I'll take you by the hand and lead you away from this place,
It's dark and it's keeping you from fully seeing my face.
I'll take you to the water, where it's crystal clear and blue,
Drink deep of my love and grace, and then I'll be here with you.

This burdon is too heavy for you, you need to let it go.
It wasn't even yours to carry, so I'll help you let it go.
I'll help you let it go, I'll help you let it go.

-Erin

Update on the Moldova situation:
Remember those missionaries who live in Moldova? Well they just happen to be here...in Calgary and through my friend we arranged to have dinner with them. Dinner was tonight and my heart is encouraged!
I spoke with them and learned about what kind of things they do and life in Moldova etc. and now I know 100% that I have to go...and I know that God is making it happen.
I didn't even bring up my passion about sex trafficking but Jake (the male missionary) just started talking about his friend in Moldova who runs an organization called "Beginnings of Life" who specifically works to rescue women and children who have been trafficked from Moldova. And it just so happens that Moldova is the sex trafficking capitol. Not a good reputation but it is just very clear to me that I belong there. And so then I brought it up and told him how that is the stuff I want to be involved in. Unfortunately at the moment the organization is not getting enough funding to pay the people that work for them but the fact that it is happening is fantastic. So Jake said he would try and get me contacted with those people.
And so God is opening one door after another and I feel nothing but extreme peace about everything. NONE OF IT IS COINCIDENCE!! NONE OF IT!! I wasn't sure what good meeting the missionaries would do except to learn about the culture of Moldova (and indeed I learned) but it didn't take long for it to be revealed to me that meeting them and learning from them would not only be a very valuable asset and stepping stone, but also to gain connections to the heart of where I want to be. Never have I ever felt like this adventure is for real...and it's for me to do what God wants me to do. Remember also how I said that loving comes naturally and this is part of what I am called to do? Well Jake said that what they did over there was just love the people because that is all they wanted. And you know what? They didn't preach to them...they just loved them and so many have come to Christ because of their LOVE. That is exactly what Jesus wanted. And I am honored to be chosen to carry on that mission.
You guys get to sit and read about how this is developing. Isn't it exciting?? Watch how God is working. How he is opening doors and opportunity's. It's proof that if you are open to it, it will happen.
I have so much more to say but not enough time to type it. Maybe if you call me and set up a date...I'll tell you more! LOL.

Restless

When I first met Damien he talked about wanting a woman that would follow him on great adventures. I was on board. I knew that it was something I wanted to do and I was excited for our life together. I would dream about the places we would go and how I would have pictures of him and I together from around the world. The thought that it would make me so happy to know I have been to faraway places with the man I love. And it will make me happy...when it happens.

So I have a story to tell. Most people know that when I had Athaliah I began to feel that my calling in life was to be a mother. Not just to my own children but to many, many children everywhere I go. And so last winter I met a man through connections with my church named John from Ireland. He has a home base there where people are sent out on missions all over the world, and listening to one of his stories, a particular country caught my attention. He told the story of the poorest country in Europe called Moldova. Most of the people living there are children. And over half of them are abandoned and orphaned. A lot of the young females are sent out of the orphanages at 16 or 17 to waiting vans of men who then traffic them for sexual exploitation (another thing I wanted to get involved with...not being trafficked but saving the kids). It is really a sad state. Anyway, since I heard of this country the children are all I can think about and I can't seem to get it out of my head. And lately I have been realizing that I am going crazy stuck inside the house all day with the same old routine, unable to drive anywhere (although I do drive illegally when I can't handle being cooped up anymore). I have been dreaming of going on an adventure...perhaps an adventure with Damien and Athaliah. And so I kept these feelings and thoughts inside and let them stirr in me until I became sad all the time. I became so sad that it started to affect how I felt about being married. Until I finally told Damien that I am restless and in need of something different. I told him it was time that we go somewhere. I told him how I really want to go to Moldova and maybe India because I've always wanted to wear a Sari. Damien agreed and talked over different scenario's but it didn't take long for me to realize Damien wasn't actually serious about it. It was a nice dream and all, but it probably wouldn't happen...so I was back to square one and the restlessness in me grew.

THEN! not even two days later I mentioned my growing restlessness to a friend who told me she had spent all of last summer in Moldova with some missionary friends!! It was so neat to hear because hardly anyone has ever heard of Moldova. That was all she told me, but somehow it made me happier.

The next day Damien went to church (and I slept cause we were up until four in the morning watching 24) and he had talked with our friend just randomly about it. Turns out there was more to the story. He came home and told me that not only did our friend spend all of last summer there, but that her missionary friends are looking to retire and are currently looking for a young couple to replace them!! As soon as he told me my spirit rose and my heart jumped. I had a feeling God was doing something! I didn't (AND STILL DON'T) think it is a coincidence that all this happened in a matter of days. I got so excited I started babbling to Damien about something along the lines of, "That's us Damien! That's for us! Let's go!" And then Damien, with a completely straight face started talking logically (who DOES THAT?) and went on about debt and planning and how this and that is in the way etc. AND how HE was prophesied over about how he shouldn't just walk through any door that is opened or something like that.

I then got mad. Mad because this was something I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, somewhere I KNOW I am supposed to go, and Damien, who by the way, always wondered what I would do if God wanted us to just "pick up and go" and here I am wanting to go and there is Damien making up excuses and using prophesy as reasons to NOT go anywhere. I was mad because it seems like I have always shadowed other people's dreams and other people's callings and I have yet to fall into my own dream and calling. And I was mad because it seemed yet again that I would have to give up my adventure so Damien could go on being comfortable and go on being afraid of change even though in his own heart he longs to be called away to a faraway place.

And so I cried. I cried in anger and sadness and disappointment and every sad emotion out there. And then I prayed because I knew that this adventure IS going to happen and I saw it in my mind. I saw myself with Damien and Athaliah on a plane heading to Moldova. I knew that this was MY adventure and it had to happen with or without Damien there. As I prayed I felt that God was telling me that this IS my adventure and it IS going to happen. I felt him say, "You hold onto that faith, and let me deal with Damien." Oh and I was happy again! I knew that God would set it right if it was meant to happen!

And then the next morning I talked with Damien about everything again. I told him that I knew he didn't feel pulled to leave but that I felt it, and my restlessness had a reason. I asked him if he would come even if the adventure wasn't for him (because before this he believed that any adventure was for him and not me.) I told him that I have my own story too and that I deserve to respond to the pulling. He agreed. He also agreed to pray about. And I was thankful.

Well he DID pray about it and guess what? Good ol' Faithful God has done what he said he would. He is working on Damien. He (Damien) has agreed to have faith about where God wants us and he is now working on our spending habits so we can pay off our debt so we can be free to go! Did you hear that? I AM GOING!!! I AM GOING ON MY ADVENTURE AND I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY CALLING AND MY DREAMS AND MY DESTINY!! It's finally happening and my heart is so full of Joy! I knew God would do it. I KNEW that I have to go.

Now Damien believes that this is going to take a few years but I don't think so. I see it happening much sooner than he thinks. I don't care anymore because at least now I know it is in motion. I know God is going to do it. When I was waitng and begging to be made well from my anxiety, it took two years of torture to get to where I am today. It doesn't seem like a lot on the grand scale but going through it felt like forever. After that ordeal I have a lot patience and trust that God will do what is best. I have a lot of faith because of what I went through. The whole time God showed me pictures of who I was going to be when it was all over. I thought at first it was a tease but I didn't let go and I am looking more and more like that person he showed me everyday.

So I will hold onto that picture of me on the airplane heading to Moldova. It will happen and I can't wait.

I am telling you. Have faith. No matter how long it takes I promise it is so worth it in the end. The experience will be richer and brighter and better than anything you can imagine than if you had cheaped out and gone your own way. No one knows what is best more than the one who created you and he delights in giving his children the desires of their hearts...which just so happens to be HIS heart. My heart speaks the language of love. For some it is other things. Stuff that comes naturally. Damien speaks the language of teaching. Passing on knowlege and information comes easy to him. It does not for me. I like to love. I love to hold people in my arms and cry with them. I love to take people's hands and pray with and for them. I love to speak encouraging words to broken people. I love to cuddle my child until she can't stand it. My language is love, and so if you are a Christian (and even if you are not!) please pray that this dream and calling can be fulfilled in whatever way it is meant to. Whether it means travelling abroad or staying home. Please pray that God will place Damien and our family wherever it needs to be and that I will find fulfillment in whatever task I am given. I love being a mom, and it would bring me so much joy to travel to Moldova to love all those abandoned and (supposed) unloved children.

For now, Erin.

Nature Scares Me

I love children...especially mine. I love babies and I always have but for once in my life I am scared of the thought of another one coming from me...literaly. Okay maybe not labour because if it's just as quick as last time I can handle it...but the thought of being sick for nine or more months makes me want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
A couple weeks ago I went off of birth control. I didn't mean to but I ran out and just haven't been able to make it to the doctors yet...and now it seems like I wont need to. Going off of the pill has been kind of crazy. All of a suddon my hormones are going wonky and one minute I want a child RIGHT NOW and then the other minute (which I believe is my heart...or maybe just logic) says, "NOOOOOO...NOT YET...ACTUALLY MAYBE NOT EVER!" The reason I feel "not ever" is because I am a narrow minded parent with one child and eyes for only that one child. My heart wants Athaliah and only her but I know deep down that I want more children. I just LOVE her sooo much and I feel that I would be almost betraying her to have another one...(sound nuts?) Also, I would feel terrible if I were to be sick again and I was unable to pour into my favorite little human being on earth, the way that I should. I feel that it would be unfair to her. Please tell me this is normal! AHHH!
So Damien and I were discussing the thought of more children and I told him that it was going to have to be his decision because I am incapable of making a rational one. Damien's mom warned him that as soon as Athaliah stops breastfeeding I am going to want another one. And sure enough to my surprise, my maternal instinct is starting to tell me that it is time to have more. Athaliah is only interested in breastfeeding at night...and as a result I am almost completely dry. I was talking with Damien though about the fact that "what if I get sick and then Athaliah is neglected?" and Damien calmly responded, "Well it may be harder on her when she is older." and so the question just became, "Do we want to have another child sooner or later?"
A part of me is up for the adventure and craving that feeling of being needed and wanted by "mommy" and another part of me loves what Athaliah wants from me and loves what I have and is content with that. I guess I just cant imagine loving anyone BUT Athaliah and I know at least that that is a normal feeling.
Damien said to me, "Erin if we leave it up to me, we will never have more because I can never plan things and I am not good at making decisions of that sort." And of course I am not good at it either because from one minute to another I cant make up my mind. The truth is I am terrified and at the same time I am trying to control the whole thing. I know God doesn't WANT me OR Damien to control anything. And so Damien and I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, we should let nature...or God decide when we are to have another child.
That was a scary moment. Leaving it up to God. Why does that scare me? Maybe because I KNOW he is in control. And maybe that means he is going to make me face my fears, and maybe he knows in 20 years I am going to laugh at the fact that I was so scared.

So to sum it up, Damien and I have decided to let God decide when our next child is going to make it's appearance on earth. We have decided that nature is better at making decisions than we are and we don't even think that people should even use birth control. However I don't want eight kids so there is a limit. I am going through this next phase in our life completely trusting on God and relying on him to help me through any trials or fears it may bring me. But I do have to say one thing, it is such a great feeling to make such a HUGE decision together with both of us completely aware of what we are doing. Athaliah was a surprise. A wonderful surprise but she wasn't planned between us, and now, we are in it together. We are both very clear of eachother's expectations and if it so happens (which I don't doubt is going to happen) that I get pregnant, we wont be shocked or upset, but our trust in God will just increase and we will lean on him to show us what to do next.

I am scared. Nope, I am terrified and completely unsure of the future, but my heart is excited and looking forward to the adventure. Besides, I am meant to be a mom to many, and some of them should be mine I think.

I'll Do It MYSELF!!

Sometimes, if no one gives you a helping hand, you just gotta pick it up and do it yourself. I am of course, referring to the Bass guitar. It has been a desire of mine to learn the Bass for a while but I discarded the thought because I was having a baby and I thought I would never be able to do anything ever again. I am so happy I picked it up again. I asked my husband what the credit limit was on our Visa and I headed to the best guitar store in the city. I almost immedietly saw the one I wanted and I didn't even care what the price tag was. (you gotta look at it as an investment...if your serious about something like that, you cant be cheap). So I was in the store for all of...ummm...maybe half an hour and then I was heading home to plug it in. However...I had NO IDEA how to play. I have never in my life ever even touched a Bass before I held mine (which I nicknamed "Precious" by the way) in my hands. I don't know chords, I don't know notes, I don't know squat. This was two weeks ago. Ummm, and now, my fingers tips are numb (this is not too bad because my baby is teething and she likes to bite my fingers...and now it doesn't hurt!) and I know the chords, and the notes, and I've been listening to all my favorite songs and playing more by ear than anything. My songs of choice are anything by John Mayer. Although this is not the wisest choice because I JUST started and John Mayer's stuff is a little advanced. But I figure, you can only be as good as your teacher, and if John Mayer's music is teaching me, I am in good hands. (no pun intended if you got that).

So yay for me! This is one life dream I can scratch off of my list and move onto the next one. I have been trying to practice as much as I can but I am constantly wanted by my daughter, my husband, my friends and I can never seem to find any time to myself. (all the mothers are replying "Tell me about it"). But if you are truely passionate about something, you aren't going to let a little, "Erin, your child just fell hard and smacked her head" or, "Erin, I think you are hawt when you play your Bass. Do you think you can meet me in the bedroom in 5? Oh, and bring the guitar", or even "Erin, your child hasn't eaten all day, are you going to feed her anytime soon?" get in your way of something you want. And I want to learn and master the Bass guitar. (Please don't call social services on me, I assure you my child is well fed and the bruises on her head were a result of Damien watching her...or not watching her)

And so with my Dad constantly watching over my shoulder as I screw up and then interrupting me with how well HE can play it on HIS electric guitar, I push on in my quest to master the Bass. I will contunue to play until maybe one day when my dream of playing with the legend that is John Mayer is realized (it's JUST a dream, I am sure of that one) I will just play and play and play until my fingers fall off. And maybe I'll sing too cause I can do that.
My heart is satisfied every time I look over at my Precious. The smooth wood showing every detail of the grain, the black body with a burst of red in the middle dotted with my fingerprints here and there (very lonvingly placed I assure you) and every string set to the right tune. Ahh the joys of being infatuated with a new instrument.

And so I head off to bed with the tune of plucking Bass notes from "Slow dancing in a burning room" in my head, and imagining myself on stage with everyone relying on me and the drummer to bring the beat. John Mayer, you are a good teacher, and Damien, your Visa is a good credit card, and Oh my Precious, you are a great Bass guitar.

Good Night.

In an odd state of mind.

So...I'm in a strange mood today. I feel annoyed with a bunch of different things. I just feel like I need to vent out some of it. To start, I feel annoyed that I am in the middle of other people's mess. I went away to Montreal for two weeks and it was wonderful. I didn't have to give a rip about anyone but the people I was with and it wasn't burdensome at all. I come home and the very first day there is a load of other people's problems waiting for me. What the heck? Do I have sign on my forehead that says "counsellor"? I mean, I geuinelly care about my friends but sometimes...sometimes I honestly feel like I could care less. Deal with your crap yourself. Stop putting it all on me. I have my own problems and my family's problems to deal with. If I am not the only person you are talking with, fine, I would be glad to help you out, pray for you, give you advice...but if it all comes on top of me, forget it. It's too heavy. Not only that, I am 22 years old. What experience do I have where I can give any advice at all? Come back when I am 75 and I may be a wise women then. I got home on Monday afternoon and I was jet lagged until Tuesday night...I not only had no time to deal with people's problems, I was too tired to even care. I don't feel bad about that because I am human. I can only take so much. The same goes for me. I don't pour everything onto one person and expect them to get me out of the mud. I do go to some people to ask for prayer, for a break from my baby, to vent frustrations...I go to God to beg...haha...to ask for help and strength and wisdom, but I would feel so bad if I were to zone in on one person and dump everything that life has dealt me and said, "There, sort it out for me. I'll be back tomorrow night to pick up the results." How terrible!! You know, the truth is, I do love to help people and give them advice to the best of my abilities, but the fact is, most people who come to me for advice let me talk my face off and agree with me, but turn around and act like they haven't heard a word I said. Then I feel disrespected and I feel like I just wasted my time. If you need a sounding board and someone to listen, great, I'll listen. But if you come and ASK me what to do, I am going to tell you what I think so don't throw my words away like it was nothing. If you are not going to care about what I say, then don't come to me. Oh yeah, and one more thing: Don't lie to me because the next time you come to me for advice, I wont be there.

On to the next thing: I can't believe how much I still need validation from the opposite sex even after I am married!! I am a little peeved at myself for this. Why should I care what other people, especially men, care about me and what I look like???? I went to the Josh Groban concert on Wednesday night. It was fantastic. I ran up to the front of the stage and he touched my hand as he went by. I felt like a little girl but I am telling you it felt good. My adrenaline was pumping and my heart was racing and I got all goose pimply when he touched my hand. Why? Instead of enjoying the fact that I was mere feet away from an amazing vocalist and great looking guy, I was analyzing that fact that I was acting like he was a god. I was asking myself why I cared so much that he touched me, when he is just a guy. A regular guy with a fantastic voice. I am not obsessed with him. I don't follow him from city to city. But I felt myself putting him on this high pedistal and almost worshipping the ground he performs on. I do silly things like wonder if he cares what he wears the next day, and which girl he remembers from that specific city he was in. And in the not-so-back-of-my-head I wonder if it could be me. I HAD to meet him. I saw him singing autographs and I went over there to where he was and waited for him to come by me and sign my ticket. He looked at me and I looked away. I LOOKED AWAY!!! WHY??? And why do I care either way?? I didn't even say hi. I just got all flustered and handed my ticket to him for him to sign. He messed up on it and said, "oops" and I made him resign it on the back...all the while I looked down. For some reason this makes me mad. I wanted to make eye contact with him because I wanted to feel like he was putting my face into his memory banks as one of the good looking girls from Calgary. Why does it matter to me? I have a husband who loves every bit of me that makes regular eye contact with me on a daily basis. Not only that, he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he knows. I am at the front of his mind and I remeber when he touched my hand and I would get goose bumps. What is this? Is this normal or is this part of my sinful nature to put regular people on pedistals? I know part of it is our culture. We put people in the spotlight and tell everyone they are worthy of our worship, and most people go with it. I am thankful I am not a part of that but it's sooo easy to put them high up on our list. I haven't resolved anything in my mind, but this is something I am dealing with at the moment. It's kinda made me upset because now the memory I have of meeting Josh Groban is mixed with guilt for loving him too much.

Anyway, despite all that I had a lovely time in Montreal with all my friends and family. We went shopping a lot and drove a lot. I got lots of great pictures and if you have facebook you can check them out there. It's all jumbled in my mind of all the stuff I did but I am home and I am attempting to put my house back in order and establishing an appropriate routine for Athaliah now that she eats solids three times a day and crawls everywhere. She did all this while we were away. It's interesting now how I can call her and she crawls to me. I feel loved by her and I could squeeze her and hold her all day. Speaking of which I think I am going to hold her close and breastfeed her while I still can. It seems she is beginning to ween herself off of my breast. *tears* I suppose my little baby has to grow up sometime.

Love for everyone who reads my blog.
-Erin

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I watched this video last night and it broke my heart. Especially the little girl who chose the white baby as opposed to the black one. She is an adorable little girl and already at such a young age, she believes she is bad, that her colour is bad, that her skin is bad. White=good, Black=bad. How on earth did it come to this? Why has it come to this? Who has told her poor little spirit that she belongs to the "bad" people? I almost cried watching this. Why all the discrimination? Why do we have to be racist? There is nothing wrong with differnt skin colours! I think black people are beautiful. For us white folks to think that we are superior in any way is nothing short of evil. The whole documentary is fantastic but the part with the children picking which doll the prefer, grabs me and holds me there. I haven't been able to get those images out of my head. These are the things that prompt me to pray on my face and cry for their spirits. I cry for the world who think they have the right to choose who is better. I think of the song by Casting Crowns called, "If we are the body" and in the bridge it goes, "Jesus payed much to high a price for us to pick and choose who should come." HOW TRUE!! So what makes us think that we have any rights to other human beings at all?? We don't! Aw but it bothers me so much to think that our society says that black people among others, are bad. Really, I feel ashamed because it seems that the white people are the bad ones. I belong to the "bad" colour. It's been the white people who have enslaved people of different colours, who have kicked the natives off of their land. I am native but my skin is white. I am just as much a part of this image.
I think if we really knew Jesus, if we really knew God...like KNEW him, these things that concern us, the colour of skin, who occupies which piece of land, who is smarter etc. would be so irrelevent! There is so much more important things to worry about! ALL humans are sinful no matter what colour we are.
So the most disturbing thing about this whole thing is that, that adorable little girl is going to grow up believing she is "bad" and somehow unworthy. The fact that she ALREADY thinks this, is so heart breaking. I imagine Jesus' heart is sad for children everywhere who feel that way. I look at my baby girl and she is so innocent and beautiful. If she ever came to me and said she felt "bad" or "unoworthy" or somehow not proud of who she is, it would make me so sad. Jesus loves all of his children...no matter the colour.
What are your thoughts on this eye opening documentary?

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear,
And I don't know the reason, why you brought me here,
But just because you love me, the way that you do,
I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step,
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet,
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you,
Then I will go through the fire, if you want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen,
When you lead me through a world that's not my home,
But you never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself,
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help,
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through,
And I will go through the valley, if you want me to.

-Ginny Owens


I feel like that has been my theme song for the past two years. It has become a song very close to my heart. I was reading in my journal last night, and there is a reoccurring theme throughout, "God, do whatever it takes, I just want to be close to you". I knew this was a scary thing to ask because I knew he would do it. And so I was not surprised when I started going through intense anxiety and things of the sort, because not only did I ask for it (not the anxiety necessarily, but the cleansing of my soul and mind etc.) but I also KNEW that although it sucked...and it REALLY did, I knew that when I came out of it, I was going to be so much of a better person because of it. And I am. I am so much more passionate about the things I believe, my faith has increased beyond what I ever thought, and my love for Jesus and my intimacy with him is so tight that words are not even necessary between us a lot of times. I was miserable through the whole thing and my marriage went through a very trying time, but at the same time, I kept telling Damien that there was a reason I was going through it, and that it will all be worth it in the end. I was right...well God was right. And Damien although impatient, has seen and IS seeing the fruit of my sufferings. Being on the other side now, I rejoice in them. Going through it, I cried, whined, and begged for it to end. And now everything smells sweeter. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the colours are far more vivid then they were. Yeah, I'm different. And I wouldn't change any of the hard times for anything.
God takes you through the fire and it burns and hurts so bad so you scream in agony for it to stop. And JUST when you think you are going to die and you can't handle it anymore, he gently takes your hand, pulls you from the heat and sends the most refreshing cool rain you have ever felt. I feel like right now, I am standing in the rain. At first I was looking at him and asking, "Why? Why all of this?" and now I look in the mirror and back at him and I know why. I don't know how to explain it other than seeing layer after layer of dead skin, or dead weight that I've been carrying around, just fall off all around me. Like a beautiful ruby (cause I like red) covered in a thick chunk of mud, and seeing it break off and wash away to reveal this raw stone. Once it's shined and polished, it's almost too beautiful not to stare at it. It draws you in. That's me. When you are put into a position where you can't even get out of your bed because you are so afraid and so anxious...it makes you forget the things you previously thought were important. I remember just thinking to myself, that people who walk down the street lost in their own thoughts, were so lucky because I couldn't even do that. I remember wishing I could walk into my front yard and smell the flowers without feeling anxious. Everything fake that used to matter to me, was no longer important and the only thing that mattered was Jesus.
I am standing in the rain. I love being cooled off after going through intense heat. It's so healing and refreshing. I was patient. I was in pain but I prayed and hung on. I kept my eyes focused on Him, I kept walking, He kept refining and peeling back the layers, and the deeper it got, the more painful. But underneath, not even I was expecting to find the true Erin. Jesus said to me, "See? That is the Erin I created." and I sit here writing this in confidence that yes, this is the Erin he created.
So indeed, "If all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will go through the fire, if you want me to".
Praise Jesus for fire, but most of all for the rain that comes after.

My First One!

This is my first post! Woo Hoo! It's really late and I am up talking to a friend on MSN and checking my facebook. Athaliah is sound asleep and Damien is next to me almost snoring. Laptops are great for sitting in bed and writing. I think the best at night. You know how people say that their best thoughts come while they are on the toilet? Nope, not me. Right here, in bed, late at night...this is where my best thinking comes. I get a chance to reflect on the events of the day, reflect on things people have said to me and things I have said in return; I love unwinding and thinking about what I would have done differently that day, what I should have worn, how I could have done my hair (I love thinking of new ways to put it up) and I love simple things at night. Everything is quieter at night. Not as many cars, people are sleeping, The air is cool and fresh...

I especially love warm summer evenings. For some reason they remind me of trips with my family to B.C and hanging out with my aunts and uncles and cousins in Kamloops. Damien said something not too long ago that is very true: I can take almost anything and it will remind me of something about my childhood. Yes, a lot does remind me of those days because those days were very good. I had a crazy happy childhood and I am proud of this, so every so often you will notice me going back there...it doesn't take me much. But the night time air does smell so deliciously sweet doesn't it? Is it because all the cars are asleep in their garages and the smell of nature is allowed to press through finally? If it smells so good now, think of Eden. How wonderful those plants and flowers would have smelled...unharmed by pollution and other bad things. Aw man, the grass would be a colour of green we cannot imagine and the dirt would be so rich we would be proud to come from it's dust. The fruit and everything they ate would be so full of flavour we would easily stuff ourselves full of it all. And to think we could have a perfect relationship with the one who created it all. The one who would taste sweeter than the fruit he created. And one day...I'll be back there...with Him...my creator. This reminds me of something from my childhood...KIDDING, kidding. But it could if I thought about it more...haha.

So lately I have been feeling so close to Jesus and I have barely slowed down long enough to speak with him. But for some reason, at this time, that is okay. I feel his presence a lot...even right now as I write. I feel like everytime I begin to think about him, this door opens and his presence comes upon me and it almost makes me sleepy. I guess it's just this overwhelming peace. And I love when I look into my daughter's eyes because frequently I see him inside of her...glowing and full of energy...but not tiresome energy...it's more like purity and joy. Yeah. Joy. And I can see her soul is so pure. I love that word: pure.

Anyway, I hope all who read find encouragement and whatever else they need. I love poetry and I love to write it...so don't be surprised to see lots on here.

So here we go!

Love, Erin