Lately...

I'm tired but I'm not in the mood to sleep. So here I am at almost 3 in the morning. I have nothing going on and yet so much going on at once. We just had our baby boy 11 days ago (wow, that long already?!?) and much to my complete surprise, it's been soooo easy. Little Endon is such an easy baby. He cries only when he's hungry, needs to be changed or he wants to cuddle. The rest of the time he is totally content to sleep on his own in the bassinet. Guess what? I'm actually sleeping. Is it easier because he's a boy, because I've done this before, because my attitude is positive, or all of the above? I don't know...there's just something so easy about it. Athaliah wouldn't let us put her down, and when we actually got the chance, she would not lay on her back. Endon just doesn't care. (that must be a boy thing). Either way, I am feeling so relaxed and calm and oddly enough, really strong. I feel confident and capable. The "hard" days are less and less as Athaliah gets older and I am able to communicate with her better. And this time, I know what to expect with Endon.

I've been changing inside too. I've been reading a book by Lisa Bevere called, "Fight Like A Girl" and it has been the most eye opening and empowering book I've read in a very long time. It's not about feminism but about women's role as God intended. In one chapter she talks about how it is the woman's job to keep her husbands emotions, secrets and deep desires that he shares with you and no one else, locked away safe in your heart, protecting them from outside threats like a special treasure. I have been meditating on that for a bit and I am beginning to feel honored that I get to be the secret keeper of Damien's deep longings and desires. She shares how women are built to heal, to encourage and love. And so I can have a direct influence on not only the spiritual atmosphere of my home, but on how well my family is thriving. It's my job to take those special treasures that Damien gives me and polish them and nurture them into encouragement and love. I immediately felt that this is exactly what I was meant for. I know that the longing to love, to nurture, to encourage, and to heal is ingrained in me. God showed me that this is a special role unique to women. I think it's very empowering and encouraging to me.

The book also talks about how God never forgets his hurting daughters. This has got to be the most encouraging thing for me to know. I love my husband so much. I want nothing more than to see him succeed and reach his goals and dreams, and one thing I stand firmly by is the fact that from the very beginning I've loved Damien for everything that he is, good and bad. But I have to be honest with you. I am hurting. Damien has informed me twice now (after I've spent over an hour encouraging him in something and pouring love on him) that he has nothing to encourage me in or pour on me because he doesn't see anything that inspires him or makes him say, "Wow, this is my wife". These are his words and I have one word to say in response: "Ouch". Didn't I just go through almost 3 years of pure anxiety and fear only to come out unharmed on the other side? Didn't I give birth to both of his children? Have I not stood beside him faithfully when he needed me the most? Do I really have nothing of worth to brag about? Do I have NO qualities or a personality at all? I guess not in his eyes. This makes me very sad. It lowers my confidence in everything I do or want to do and he has told me it is because he has unrealistic expectations that I can and never will meet. He askes God to change him and I pray too that he will. What is the use of me being here if I have nothing to offer? Or perhaps it's what my husband will not accept from me? I don't know...but despite this, I still have hope. I know I was meant to be with Damien for the rest of my life and I know God loves me enough that he wouldn't put me here to watch me suffer and cry. I just have to keep praying and be patient. God will do whatever he needs to in his own time and I just have to remain faithful. It really sucks when your own husband does not see your worth...but I thank God that HE does. This won't and does not change the way I will treat Damien. I will continue to love, to encourage and nurture despite how I feel and I will hold onto the hope that he will come around eventually. I am only sharing this because these are the things that have been going on and I wanted to talk about what I am learning in the process. I am strong and I have faith. That's all I need right now.

I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself and I love who God is making me into. Everyday that passes, I don't recognize the person from yesterday. I am constantly growing and experiencing new things. I look back on everything and I can see where Jesus was through all of it. I'm in a very good place right now. I'm healthy in my mind and in my emotions and I never would have made it if I didn't have Jesus. I am so thankful and so full of joy when I think of him. When I look at my children I smile and I think of how He would interact with them...and it melts me to the point where I fall in love with Jesus all over again. When I see old people I am filled with compassion and the desire to listen to all their life stories. When I see neglected children I want to take them away and love them until they're tired of it, and when I see young teens I want to be their friend and mentor them so they make good choices in life. And when I see broken people I hurt with them and cry on their behalf. To the world that would be a depressing way to feel all the time, but it moves me into action and I don't take it for granted. My heart is soft and I love that this is the way I was made.