Too Honest For My Own Good

Happy New Year everyone. And this year I really mean it. I mean I have reason to be happy. My son survived Christmas and he is here with me, alive and well. The story went as follows:



I came to Montreal on November 18th with Athaliah and Endon. About 2 weeks after we got there, Endon came down with a cold. The next morning he was having difficulty breathing so we decided to bring him to the Montreal Children's Hospital to get checked out. On the way, Endon turned blue. We pulled over and I held him in my arms with both of us strapped in the front seat. I didn't want to take any more chances. Upon arriving, Endon was checked and we were immedietly put in a room to see the doctor. When the doctor came in he decided because Endon turned blue on the way, he wanted him to stay for at least 24 hours for observation. That was December 7th; Athaliah's birthday. (She has not had a party...but we'll get there) Endon was tested for a common upper respiratory virus called RSV. The results came back the next morning as positive. RSV can often mimic Bronchitis and Pnumonia. So basically the doctors said his diagnosis is that he has Bronchialitis and he's RSV positive. They told me he would get worse around the 4th day and from there he would get better. Everything went like clockwork. He did indeed get worse around the 4th day to the point where I couldn't handle it any more and called Damien in Calgary and told him to fly his butt out ASAP. I couldn't get to a computer and I was also not allowed to talk on my cell phone. And just to make things more difficult, the hospital phones would not call long distance. So just the immediate family members were contacted. And I thought to myself, "It's nothing. Endon will be out soon. I don't need to really tell anyone."And then the 5th day Endon was doing SO much better. Up until the, he was on oxygen but it wasn't a lot and he was still eating normally although he was getting fevers frequently. The doctor told me this was expected. So the 5th day was good. We had a good day and the doctor said we would be able to go home as soon as they were confident he could survive on room air. That night I fed Endon, he had some tylenol and went to sleep around 11pm. He was working hard at breathing and both the nurse and I were thinking that his breathing was really laboured and perhaps he was getting tired. This was an understatement. At 2 am Endon woke up SCREAMING in pain. His back was arched and he was breathing really fast. No one could console him. His colour was alarming. I was afraid to say it out loud but I kept thinking that he was the colour of a corpse. He was yellow-ish grey. My gut started writhing. Something was NOT right and the nurse agreed. She called the resident on call who called the ICU resident on call. They both came down to assess Endon. The nurse suggested he go up to the ICU and be put on the resperator to give his lungs a break because he has been struggling for almost a week at that point. As the doctors hummed and hawed, I continued to hold Endon and try and calm him. And then, the scariest moment in my whole life...every parents WORST nightmare. Endon stopped breathing. He stopped crying, looked at me as if to say, "I love you Mom, but I just can't do it anymore." and then his eyes rolled back. All I saw were the whites of his eyes. No one was in the room at the time but I kinda started breathing heavy and shaking. I called the doctors who came in and I said, "His eyes rolled back into his head. I don't think that's normal. It's kinda freaking me out." The doctor put his stethascope onto Endon's chest and the next thing I remember was the doctor grabbing Endon from me and running. The two doctors, the nurse and then me, ran down the hall way and into the crash room. There wasn't any time to even call a code blue so no one was expecting us. It didn't take long though. Endon was placed on this huge bed in the trauma room and there were a thousand people surrounding him. I couldn't see anything. I didn't know anything. I was just left in limbo crying my eyeballs out and secretly mad that God would allow Endon to almost die in my arms. He started breathing again but it was very, very weak. They started to suction out his lungs via a tube down his nose. They suctioned and suctioned and suctioned some more. Endon's lungs were so full of fluid that he literally could not breathe anymore. He was drowning. The more they suctioned, the more his lungs would fill. They took an x-ray and it showed both his lungs as white. You could barely see his rib cage. I was so scared. No one would tell me anything but they wouldn't let me leave the room either. I felt completely useless. I finally asked if I could leave and call those who needed to be called. I called Damien first obviously, who was in Oka with Athaliah. Then I called Damien's Dad and his mom (who's phone was off). I knew a lot of people wouldn't answer anyway since it was 4am in Montreal and 2am in Calgary. Finally someone filled me in after I asked what was going on. A woman from the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) filled me in. She told me about his lungs and that he needed to be on a resperator and transfered to the PICU and that they were just waiting for him to be stablized and for a bed to be ready. In the meantime Damien, Mom and Athaliah arrived. We then followed Endon up to the PICU were they settled him in. Even though his situation was critical, I think this was my favorite unit. He had his own nurse and round the clock care so I was able to leave the hospital for the first time and go have a shower. Damien and I called regularly to see how he was and they said not to worry, but to rest and come back the next day. I was very anxious to be over an hour away from my baby but I was smelling, and I needed a shower and a good rest. Endon was in the ICU for 3 days and this is when I had decided it was time to let my other relatives and friends know...they only problem was that I still could not get to a computer or use the phone. Slowly but surely I managed to get a hold of people to let others know and ask to support us in prayer. While I was in Oka, I fell asleep and did not wake up until the next day at the same time. I slept for 24 hours! I think I needed it. Endon was then transfered to a medical unit. He was taken off the resperator and put back on oxygen. They also gave him a feeding tube going directly into his intestines because he had stopped eating and they wanted to get him off the IV. Then, he was able to be off oxygen during the day and at night they would put him back on if his oxygen levels dropped any lower than 92% (they frequently dropped to 88% or 87%). The feeding tube was taken out the next day and he was breastfeeding again. The IV was also taken out. Social Services arranged a Hotel Apartment a couple blocks from the hospital for us to stay in because of the long commute from Oka. It was a major help and blessing that Damien was able to be so close and I was able to take rests from time to time.

Endon was finally released a couple days later just in time for Christmas. Although it should have been the best ever because Endon was alive, I was still in complete shock and am just now sorting things out in my brain.



We came home to a rather large ambulance bill from when Athaliah dropped her halloween candy down Endon's throat and he was rushed to the hospital back in October.



I guess this is why everyone loves me? Because I am honest. Maybe too honest at times. I'm sure this is one of them. I'm honestly a crazy wreck right now. Since I got home I've been trying my hardest to hold everything in but when no one is looking I fall apart at the seams. I'm seriously traumatized by this experience. Endon stopped breathing in my arms. I can't tell you what that does to a person. What that does to a mother who has a soul tie with their child. My gut, my nerves, my brain...everything felt him slipping away. I wanted to die with him...or switch places. No one is able to understand how I felt because I alone was there. Damien wasn't there. My mom wasn't there. I'm just so... I don't know. I was a messed up person before this but I was on the mend. I feel like I am slipping backwards to square one. I can't even talk about what happened to Endon anymore. I can't physically describe it anyway. My emotions remember how I felt at that moment and it's like I am re-living it. I think they call that post-traumatic-stress...?

This whole thing goes deeper for me. For those that know me, you know I had a miscarriage way back when Damien and I first got married. I felt that that baby was a boy. Then I was bothered by constant dreams of babies (always boys) that were taken from me, or that weren't mine. They never recognized me. Then finally one day I dreamt of a little baby girl that was in my arms. She knew I was her mother and even though people were trying to take her, I held on tight and never let go. I woke up, and I was healed. I also desperately wanted a girl from then on. Well, I got my little girl and I thought all was well.

The night Endon stopped breathing, I felt uneasy. It was bothering me ALL evening. Hours before anything happened. I kept hearing, "You know because he's a boy I am going to take him from you right?" I knew it was the enemy but it wouldn't stop. I even told Damien about it and he told me everything would be fine. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread though. And then when everything happened, the enemy was RIGHT there saying, "You see? I told you I was going to take him." I was totally beside myself. (Sandra I would have told you all this if it wasn't for that security guard trying to kick me off the phone.) I'm telling you I was SO MAD at God. I was thinking, "You're REALLY going to let him take Endon? Are you really going to LET HIM?" Of course deep down I knew God was actually telling me to trust him and I kept telling him to forget it. Obviously I know better now.

But now I am working through this whole thing emotionally. It may have ended as far as Endon being well again, but I am just beginning to deal with everything I've been supressing. OH IF ONLY I COULD JUST UNLEASH THIS EMOTION!!!!

I'm trying to "stay strong" because if Damien sees the state I am in, he will get angry...or just not understand WHY it's still affecting me. You know how guys' brains are sorted into boxes right? And the boxes DON'T TOUCH. He wouldn't get it.

DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS? ENDON ALMOST DIED IN MY ARMS!!! In fact, he DID DIE for a few minutes...IN MY ARMS!!! ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE FEAR IN MY HEART?!?!?

I'm sorry...I just haven't talked about it AT ALL yet. No one is avaliable. My mom is not here. Please if you have a comfy shoulder...I need to cover it with my tears.



Now more than ever I need Jesus. Right here in front of me. Right here so I can tell him everything and have him just...tell me everything will be fine.



Endon is crying. I need to feed him. I've never been so happy and thankful to hear his voice.



I'm going to get through this. But as "strong" as I am...I have my weaknesses and I'm crumbling more and more every day the longer I have to keep this inside me.