I began this blog entry writing about my experience so far here in Oka, Quebec, but the more I wrote, the sicker I felt.
There is a time, (perhaps when I get home) when I will be allowed to share my story thus far but for now I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that I am not allowed.
I am going to be obedient.
We will just say it has not been good. I'm working on it but the enemy is very influential here. I am thinking it is mostly because we are on the land of my Native Ancestors. There are many ruling Demons and they are NOT happpy that I am here. That is all I will say until I feel I am allowed to share more.
Don't worry about me though. Jesus is more powerful than anything in this world and I am not in the least bit afraid. Demons don't scare me. I feel protected but I will always be grateful for more prayer in this regard :)
I hope everyone else is well. We will see you after the Holidays since Damien has decided to fly here for Christmas.
With love for everyone who reads this,
Erin
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My Dad vs GOD
Why is it that our fathers affect us so much? Why do they have the power to keep us going through the hardest times of life and also make us enjoy the best times? Why do they hold the power destroy us and also make us into the people we’ve always wanted? Why do they have more of this power than our mothers?
I have issues with my dad that never really bothered me until I got married and had kids of my own. I always thought I was so lucky to have the relationship with my dad that I did. Looking back I can see how off it was. No dad is perfect; we all know that, but some dads just really know how to connect with their kids better than others. The way of life in my home growing up was that if you weren’t playing a video game with my dad or at least watching him play a video game, then you wouldn’t get the time of day no matter how hard you tried. My dad had a one way brain and it was always focused on the television. I loved my dad, so I learned how to play video games. Unfortunately I could never be as good as my brother Glenn and my dad made sure I knew that. He didn’t do it on purpose I don’t think, and he didn’t do it to hurt me either. It didn’t back then, but now when I think about it, it really does hurt. Only because as I grew up I was always told about how someone was always better than me at whatever I attempted. Glenn was better at video games, "Cousin Gloria" was better at piano...etc. I was really good at drawing and when I drew I shaded my work. Dad taught me how to do it and I was very proud of myself...until Glenn started to pass me in talent and then it was all about his artwork. At least I still had my poetry. I write poetry and that is the one thing no one has been able to take from me. But then as I got older and more interested in boys, I searched for my dad and his answers. I wanted to know what kind of guy would prove to deserve me. I was searching for someone to set a standard. I looked for my dad to show me. He showed me the back of his head as it stared at the television. I looked at my brother. He also showed me the back of his head and frequently the back of his fist too. I began to get angry and rebellious. I was “grounded” every weekend but it never stopped me from leaving the house and running away. I knew my dad couldn’t really catch me if his hands were glued to the controller for the latest video game he was playing, so I did whatever I wanted. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up with a lot of guys at a very young age that I should have stayed far away from. I didn’t really know better. The boys at school teased me and some threw rocks at me while I waited for the bus to go home. The male teachers didn’t do anything if I told them what happened to me. And when I came home bawling my eyes out from the amount of abuse I had to endure at school, my dad would continue doing what he did best: ignoring me. I look back and know that the only reason I ran away so often was so that maybe one day my dad would come after me. That he would find me and rescue me from all the men that took advantage of his little girl. That he would grab me and hold me in his arms and cry because he couldn’t stand to lose his little girl. It never happened. Only once did my dad actually come after me but that was only because my brother found out I was meeting a guy MUCH older than me and told on me. They found me at a train station about an hour later. I don’t feel any resentment towards him for that. He bought me and my brother Subway Subs for dinner on the way home.
However, the time where a girl needs her parents the most is when entering the teenage years. My parents divorced just after I turned 14. I ended up on Paxil and some anti-psychotic and in group therapy. The Paxil made me so sick I missed a lot of school. The anti-psychotic made me sleep until my body got used to it so I somehow managed to get a higher dose and I quit group therapy because all they did was gossip about people they went to school with. I was so wrecked from being split up between my mom, my dad and my brother that I just couldn’t handle it. If I went to visit my dad and brother my mom made me feel like a terrible person. When I got to my dad’s I had to fend for myself because what was my dad doing? PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!
Around this time my dad starting hanging out with a woman he knew from his bus route named Trisha. She had a daughter who was a few years younger than me. The only thing I remember from my dad’s relationship with her was that he would always tell me how beautiful Trisha was and how beautiful her daughter Chelsea was. THEN dear Chelsea started to DRAW for my dad and dad had to report to me how great of an artist Chelsea was, and did he forget to mention she was beautiful?? Day in and day out it was all about Trisha, Chelsea and video game jargon. I never once heard how beautiful I was. Sure, I was really geeky and SKINNY and I had bucked teeth, but even if I am the ugliest girl in the world, you still need to tell me that I am the most beautiful. I didn’t hear it from any male in my life. Not. One. This has affected me so deeply today. I have a really hard time believing Damien when he tells me I am beautiful but deep down it’s all I want to hear over and over. I wanted to hear from my DAD how beautiful I was, how talented I was and that he is so proud of me. I just...don’t know why he didn’t. I was the only kid out of my brother Glenn and my sister Marian who graduated High School. I waited until AFTER I was married to have kids and I married an amazing Christian man. I fell in love with the concept of the Bass Guitar and purchased one. I don’t play it often anymore because I am terrified of my dad’s criticism. Every time I begin to play he runs upstairs and starts bragging to me about Jeff Beck’s Bass player who is a woman and how amazingly talented she is and so on. I don’t sing much anymore...at least not while dad is around...or even Damien. Every time I sing in front of dad he laughs as though he is embarrassed. Also he has to point out how my music is not music. Only the music of HIS generation is music. If I show an interest in one of dad’s favourite bands he acts as though that is expected of me. But there is ALWAYS someone he knows who is better at me in everything. As I grow spiritually, my poetry grows and is more focused on spiritual things. I don’t read them to my Dad anymore because he doesn’t understand. He made fun of me one time for believing that prophecy still exists. I don’t sing for him anymore because the songs that make me alive are about Jesus. And I don’t play the piano anymore at all because I have to hear an hour long lecture about “cousin Gloria” who can play ANYTHING on her fantastic grand piano.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I’ve just always felt second...or third best. Not once has my dad ever made me feel like I am his most prized jewel. When a woman wants to be loved, she wants her daddy to love her first unconditionally and then her husband has to take over and love her even more.
This is why I have a hard time relating to God as my father. I don’t know how to explain this but God is WAY MORE than my father ever could be. My Jesus is more to me than that. A father to me is just someone else in the world. God; Jesus; is the almighty King that reigns far above and beyond anything I can comprehend. For me to call God my father would be for me to demean Him. It would be making Him less than what He is to me. God takes care of me more than I ask for. He tells me I am His “Little Erin” and whenever someone says something to me that they believe is from God, I know it’s Him when they begin by telling me that I am a “Jewel” or a “treasure”. He tells me that I am HIS jewel and HIS treasure. My dad wouldn’t even think of words like that. God protects me and stands up for me. My dad was always too chicken. Parents are supposed to be “God” to their children. We are supposed to represent who God IS to our kids. My mom tried. She still tries. Even with her issues and past afflictions. My dad is just a guy who happens to be my father. But my King is Jesus and I am loyal to him first before anyone. Out of every single person on this earth, I can truly say that Jesus is the only one who has ever loved me unconditionally. I mean that I can feel His unconditional love. Everyone else has standards that I can’t live up to; ever. Not God. I KNOW He loves me because He proves it to me all the time. No one else does what He does. No one else goes to the lengths that He does. And for this I am so thankful.
On earth I hurt because of how my dad has damaged me. But I know without a doubt that when I walk into the presence of GOD, that because it means so much to me, He will wrap me in his arms, hold me so tight and tell me everything my dad never did. He’s going to tell me that I AM beautiful because He made me that way. He is going to tell me that I AM SO talented because He wanted me to make Him proud. And He’ll tell me that He IS proud of me for everything I accomplished and everything I attempted but failed at. He is going to tell me that those rocks the boys threw at me mean nothing now, that the things that men did to me when I was just a child were wrong but that they don’t matter anymore because I am restored. He’ll tell me that He is honoured to be the one to affirm me finally and fill my heart to the point of bursting. He’ll make me look in his eyes that brim with tears so that I’ll know without a doubt that He is telling the truth. He’ll tell me that it is okay now; that I am safe now; that no one will ever hurt me again. And I will spend forever in eternity with that unconditional love that always came to my rescue on earth.
I love Jesus. He’s bigger and better than any man ever could be.
And now He’s assuring me He’ll be there when I am done ranting about my dad and decide to let go of the resentment and forgive him.
I have issues with my dad that never really bothered me until I got married and had kids of my own. I always thought I was so lucky to have the relationship with my dad that I did. Looking back I can see how off it was. No dad is perfect; we all know that, but some dads just really know how to connect with their kids better than others. The way of life in my home growing up was that if you weren’t playing a video game with my dad or at least watching him play a video game, then you wouldn’t get the time of day no matter how hard you tried. My dad had a one way brain and it was always focused on the television. I loved my dad, so I learned how to play video games. Unfortunately I could never be as good as my brother Glenn and my dad made sure I knew that. He didn’t do it on purpose I don’t think, and he didn’t do it to hurt me either. It didn’t back then, but now when I think about it, it really does hurt. Only because as I grew up I was always told about how someone was always better than me at whatever I attempted. Glenn was better at video games, "Cousin Gloria" was better at piano...etc. I was really good at drawing and when I drew I shaded my work. Dad taught me how to do it and I was very proud of myself...until Glenn started to pass me in talent and then it was all about his artwork. At least I still had my poetry. I write poetry and that is the one thing no one has been able to take from me. But then as I got older and more interested in boys, I searched for my dad and his answers. I wanted to know what kind of guy would prove to deserve me. I was searching for someone to set a standard. I looked for my dad to show me. He showed me the back of his head as it stared at the television. I looked at my brother. He also showed me the back of his head and frequently the back of his fist too. I began to get angry and rebellious. I was “grounded” every weekend but it never stopped me from leaving the house and running away. I knew my dad couldn’t really catch me if his hands were glued to the controller for the latest video game he was playing, so I did whatever I wanted. I got into a lot of trouble and ended up with a lot of guys at a very young age that I should have stayed far away from. I didn’t really know better. The boys at school teased me and some threw rocks at me while I waited for the bus to go home. The male teachers didn’t do anything if I told them what happened to me. And when I came home bawling my eyes out from the amount of abuse I had to endure at school, my dad would continue doing what he did best: ignoring me. I look back and know that the only reason I ran away so often was so that maybe one day my dad would come after me. That he would find me and rescue me from all the men that took advantage of his little girl. That he would grab me and hold me in his arms and cry because he couldn’t stand to lose his little girl. It never happened. Only once did my dad actually come after me but that was only because my brother found out I was meeting a guy MUCH older than me and told on me. They found me at a train station about an hour later. I don’t feel any resentment towards him for that. He bought me and my brother Subway Subs for dinner on the way home.
However, the time where a girl needs her parents the most is when entering the teenage years. My parents divorced just after I turned 14. I ended up on Paxil and some anti-psychotic and in group therapy. The Paxil made me so sick I missed a lot of school. The anti-psychotic made me sleep until my body got used to it so I somehow managed to get a higher dose and I quit group therapy because all they did was gossip about people they went to school with. I was so wrecked from being split up between my mom, my dad and my brother that I just couldn’t handle it. If I went to visit my dad and brother my mom made me feel like a terrible person. When I got to my dad’s I had to fend for myself because what was my dad doing? PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!
Around this time my dad starting hanging out with a woman he knew from his bus route named Trisha. She had a daughter who was a few years younger than me. The only thing I remember from my dad’s relationship with her was that he would always tell me how beautiful Trisha was and how beautiful her daughter Chelsea was. THEN dear Chelsea started to DRAW for my dad and dad had to report to me how great of an artist Chelsea was, and did he forget to mention she was beautiful?? Day in and day out it was all about Trisha, Chelsea and video game jargon. I never once heard how beautiful I was. Sure, I was really geeky and SKINNY and I had bucked teeth, but even if I am the ugliest girl in the world, you still need to tell me that I am the most beautiful. I didn’t hear it from any male in my life. Not. One. This has affected me so deeply today. I have a really hard time believing Damien when he tells me I am beautiful but deep down it’s all I want to hear over and over. I wanted to hear from my DAD how beautiful I was, how talented I was and that he is so proud of me. I just...don’t know why he didn’t. I was the only kid out of my brother Glenn and my sister Marian who graduated High School. I waited until AFTER I was married to have kids and I married an amazing Christian man. I fell in love with the concept of the Bass Guitar and purchased one. I don’t play it often anymore because I am terrified of my dad’s criticism. Every time I begin to play he runs upstairs and starts bragging to me about Jeff Beck’s Bass player who is a woman and how amazingly talented she is and so on. I don’t sing much anymore...at least not while dad is around...or even Damien. Every time I sing in front of dad he laughs as though he is embarrassed. Also he has to point out how my music is not music. Only the music of HIS generation is music. If I show an interest in one of dad’s favourite bands he acts as though that is expected of me. But there is ALWAYS someone he knows who is better at me in everything. As I grow spiritually, my poetry grows and is more focused on spiritual things. I don’t read them to my Dad anymore because he doesn’t understand. He made fun of me one time for believing that prophecy still exists. I don’t sing for him anymore because the songs that make me alive are about Jesus. And I don’t play the piano anymore at all because I have to hear an hour long lecture about “cousin Gloria” who can play ANYTHING on her fantastic grand piano.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I’ve just always felt second...or third best. Not once has my dad ever made me feel like I am his most prized jewel. When a woman wants to be loved, she wants her daddy to love her first unconditionally and then her husband has to take over and love her even more.
This is why I have a hard time relating to God as my father. I don’t know how to explain this but God is WAY MORE than my father ever could be. My Jesus is more to me than that. A father to me is just someone else in the world. God; Jesus; is the almighty King that reigns far above and beyond anything I can comprehend. For me to call God my father would be for me to demean Him. It would be making Him less than what He is to me. God takes care of me more than I ask for. He tells me I am His “Little Erin” and whenever someone says something to me that they believe is from God, I know it’s Him when they begin by telling me that I am a “Jewel” or a “treasure”. He tells me that I am HIS jewel and HIS treasure. My dad wouldn’t even think of words like that. God protects me and stands up for me. My dad was always too chicken. Parents are supposed to be “God” to their children. We are supposed to represent who God IS to our kids. My mom tried. She still tries. Even with her issues and past afflictions. My dad is just a guy who happens to be my father. But my King is Jesus and I am loyal to him first before anyone. Out of every single person on this earth, I can truly say that Jesus is the only one who has ever loved me unconditionally. I mean that I can feel His unconditional love. Everyone else has standards that I can’t live up to; ever. Not God. I KNOW He loves me because He proves it to me all the time. No one else does what He does. No one else goes to the lengths that He does. And for this I am so thankful.
On earth I hurt because of how my dad has damaged me. But I know without a doubt that when I walk into the presence of GOD, that because it means so much to me, He will wrap me in his arms, hold me so tight and tell me everything my dad never did. He’s going to tell me that I AM beautiful because He made me that way. He is going to tell me that I AM SO talented because He wanted me to make Him proud. And He’ll tell me that He IS proud of me for everything I accomplished and everything I attempted but failed at. He is going to tell me that those rocks the boys threw at me mean nothing now, that the things that men did to me when I was just a child were wrong but that they don’t matter anymore because I am restored. He’ll tell me that He is honoured to be the one to affirm me finally and fill my heart to the point of bursting. He’ll make me look in his eyes that brim with tears so that I’ll know without a doubt that He is telling the truth. He’ll tell me that it is okay now; that I am safe now; that no one will ever hurt me again. And I will spend forever in eternity with that unconditional love that always came to my rescue on earth.
I love Jesus. He’s bigger and better than any man ever could be.
And now He’s assuring me He’ll be there when I am done ranting about my dad and decide to let go of the resentment and forgive him.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
WAKE UP PEOPLE OF JESUS!!!
Today isn't such a good day but that's just because I am supposed to be in Montreal with my mom and I am not. I'm at home in an empty house sitting in my misery.
Aside from that though, I've spent the last couple days pondering my lovely Jesus and and the spiritual world that I can't see. I'd like to share what I've learned and also why I love Jesus so much.
So I was looking on Facebook "groups" and came across a Satanist group. Curious to see what Satanists talk about, I clicked on the group and opened a can of worms that has sent me completely reeling for a couple days. First off I felt there was a layer of protection around me as I read this stuff and researched things pertaining to Satan and so for your sake I ask God right now to protect you as I write and explain things that may be disturbing or upsetting to you. The unknown is always scary but just remember that God is bigger and more powerful than anything Satan can throw at us.
Okay so I started reading this stuff in this group about what Satanists believe and I was shocked at how totally TWISTED this stuff was. It listed 11 commandments that Satan gave to some guy and most of it sounded like God's commandments, just turned around. For example, Satan commands that his followers worship no other God but him, and so on. I found it amazing that people were so into Satan believing that he actually LOVES them!! At first I was quite upset that it seems these people are so spiritual and that they know more about spirituality etc. than most Christians. I was mad because God doesn't seem to be as present as Satan does. I read that Satan gives his people Demon's to work with and Demon's to teach you everything you need to know and that Satan himself will reveal himself to you. They say that when you give your life and your soul to Satan he will immediately start to invest in you and look after you when you are in trouble by sending Demons to your side. Like I said, this bothered me at first because as disturbing as it is, it seems like he is very present and God is so distant and far away and we never get to see the angels that God sends to our side when we are in trouble. But then God explained to me that he looks after his people in the way he does because that is all he has. He gives incentives to people and tells them he will give them great wealth and happiness (this is actually one of his decrees or promises). But THAT IS ALL HE HAS!!! Without people to keep under his control he has nothing. He lures them in with worldly promises and promises that do not benefit your soul. He tells them to give in to every human pleasure and warns them not to be lured by the false and evil Christian God called Jehovah. They know full well that God exists but they refuse to call him anything but Jehovah. They also acknowledge that Jesus exists but they call him "The Nazarene". They said to be careful because Jehovah's angels are beginning to reveal themselves. And two of his decrees I found most interesting and humorous was that Satan believes he is going to live forever. He must know he isn't but he obviously likes to tell his followers this. And also, "Three things are against me and I hate three things". A satanist explained that this means the "xian trinity".
Overall the things he teaches is fascinating because I can clearly see how wrong, twisted and pathetic it is. The website says, "In contrast to the helpful Demons Satan provides us with, angels are cruel, unfeeling, sadistic, and evil beings who look down upon humanity. One only needs to look at the Christian bible, especially the book of revelation. Angels have repeatedly been messengers of misfortune and instigators of mass murder. Many times, beings and entities from the Christian 'god' will masquerade as Demons, or spirits of Satan. Remember, the Christian 'god' uses ignorance and fear to enslave humanity. People who are open to Christianity or actual Christians are the most vulnerable to negative influences. Some who investigate Satanism and the occult have a bad or terrifying experience, go running back to Christianity, more holy than ever before, and rant about how 'evil' Satan is, when all along it was the Christian 'god' and his angels, frightening them back into the fold". ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It's so sad to see how blind these people are. And yet it's even sadder that most Christians don't even know this stuff. They don't know how our enemy really works. They don't know the tactics he is using to gain followers. It's funny because everything I just said could be something a Satanist could say about us. When I read this stuff and think about Christianity, I see this mental picture:
It's a dark daylight but instead of grey clouds and sky it looks more orange with a red hue. On Satan's side of the camp you see Demons working like mad gathering anyone who will fight for them. They work tirelessly trying to equip humans with their black armor that seem to come alive when it touches their skin. Some armor actually absorbs into their bodies and they become a completely different entity. Almost like they are no longer human because they don't have any more say over their bodies. All around the perimeter of the camp there is Chaos and noise. Nothing is able to be interpreted, there's just noise and unrest. There are some humans on the edge of the camp unsure of whether they want to be involved in battle at all but surrounding them are more Demons trying to alter their senses and persuading them to join. They whisper to them that they wont have to fight they just have to give their souls to "Father Satan". Who needs their souls anyway? As soon as they are convinced they are brought in to the camp and covered with armor, given a wicked weapon and sent out. All around them are animal corpses and the stench of evil and perverted messes but all the humans see is the earth in it's blue and green glory. They can't see any of the darkness surrounding them and so they continue on in their ways not knowing what they are opposing. The one thing that stands out about this army is that they are passionate. Every one of them come to know Satan and what he is capable of. They join in on his arrogant and selfish ways. By the time they go to battle, they all know who they are fighting for. Despite the constant quaralling among each other and the death, they are all unified with one purpose. Others will see the mess and the Chaos and try to run but unless they run into Jesus' camp, they never make it.
Over on Jesus' side it is quiet and peaceful. The sky is no different but over here it just seems kinda beautiful and still. The people within are happy and content. There are MANY people in this camp but they seem to be split off into huge groups that could even look like cliques. One group is full of humans on their knees in intercession. These people are aware that there is a battle on the horizon. These people know there is already war being fought just outside the camps. They are asking God to fight on their behalf and sitting in the midst of them are angels going over God's battle strategy with his willing people. In another group we see restless Christians. They can't sit still so they are always moving. They want to get going into the war and fight. Most have no clue what they are even fighting for, they just want to go. Sometimes they end up fighting with each other and between them are angels trying to keep the peace and keep them focused on their Jesus and their goal. There are other groups just standing around looking like a deer in the headlights. They have no clue what they are supposed to be doing. You see angels trying to assist them with their sparkling silver armor and they are looking around bewildered. You see other angels trying to explain to them how to use their weapon over and over and not getting anywhere. And again in another group you see the people all wearing the same sparkling armor but arguing about theirs being better and stronger than their brother. This group is also arguing about how their denominations are better and more effective than their brother's denomination. Despite this there are other groups of hundreds of people and angels worshipping together. They are singing with all their hearts and this seems to brighten other Christians and encourages the ones who feel lost. There is another group made up of mostly women. They are the ones healing the wounds of those who went out to battle and got injured. They are the ones gently bringing deliverence to those who managed to escape the enemy's camp. They are the mothers who go around with words of encouragement and love to heal the wounds that most of God's followers brought with them before they even knew God. Some are self-inflicted and others were a direct result of the enemy. When you are not in the protection of Jesus' camp you are free game to enemy and his Demons.
And within all these groups all around and inside this camp are THOUSANDS of people sound asleep. They are curled up in one spot peacefully sleeping and totally unaware of what is going on around them. You see angels trying to shake them awake and even other humans trying to get them to wake up but to no avail. They are then informed that those who are sleeping are choosing to sleep. Some will wake up and take up their spots at the front lines and other will sleep right through battle until Jesus comes. They know Him and they love Him but they have excuses of how they "just didn't get enough sleep the night before". They choose not to wake up. The one thing that stands out about this army is that the King they are fighting for knows each one intimately and loves them so deeply he is willing to to spend an eternity raising them up to properly fight. He is patient and kind with each one. He waits to begin full on battle just in case one more decides to join him. He cares for and heals each person that comes to him for help. He personally greets them and raises them up to be proper warriors. And even though this army is still lacking complete unity, when the horn sounds to announce Jesus' arrival, they will all straighten up and come to full attention and in that time they will all know EXACTLY what they need to do and WHO they are fighting for.
God has shown me that Satan has nothing to hold onto. Not permanently anyway. He gives his followers fake promises and tells them that the Christian God is the one who is evil.
I read a book called, "Just Give Me Jesus" and in it the author describes how while in England, she met a banker who dealt specifically with money fraud. She said to him basically, "Wow, you must spend hours looking at different types of counterfeit money!" and he replied, "On the contrary, I spend hours looking at the real thing. That way I will know the difference instantly when there is a counterfeit." This is what we need to do and do not do it!!! So like I said, although I researched the enemy's followers and looked at the counterfeit, I seem to not spend enough time studying and getting to know the real thing. When I do, then I will know when anything that is not of God comes along.
And so with this said, I am encouraged and happy that I am in the process of getting to know the King that I worship. I speak to all those who are choosing to sleep to WAKE UP! Get on your armor, grab your weapon, go spend some time with Jesus so you will know his plans and then fight. We wont lose if we listen to Him. Satan will NOT live forever and Satan does NOT love his followers and he does NOT love you.
Just think about it a little bit.
Aside from that though, I've spent the last couple days pondering my lovely Jesus and and the spiritual world that I can't see. I'd like to share what I've learned and also why I love Jesus so much.
So I was looking on Facebook "groups" and came across a Satanist group. Curious to see what Satanists talk about, I clicked on the group and opened a can of worms that has sent me completely reeling for a couple days. First off I felt there was a layer of protection around me as I read this stuff and researched things pertaining to Satan and so for your sake I ask God right now to protect you as I write and explain things that may be disturbing or upsetting to you. The unknown is always scary but just remember that God is bigger and more powerful than anything Satan can throw at us.
Okay so I started reading this stuff in this group about what Satanists believe and I was shocked at how totally TWISTED this stuff was. It listed 11 commandments that Satan gave to some guy and most of it sounded like God's commandments, just turned around. For example, Satan commands that his followers worship no other God but him, and so on. I found it amazing that people were so into Satan believing that he actually LOVES them!! At first I was quite upset that it seems these people are so spiritual and that they know more about spirituality etc. than most Christians. I was mad because God doesn't seem to be as present as Satan does. I read that Satan gives his people Demon's to work with and Demon's to teach you everything you need to know and that Satan himself will reveal himself to you. They say that when you give your life and your soul to Satan he will immediately start to invest in you and look after you when you are in trouble by sending Demons to your side. Like I said, this bothered me at first because as disturbing as it is, it seems like he is very present and God is so distant and far away and we never get to see the angels that God sends to our side when we are in trouble. But then God explained to me that he looks after his people in the way he does because that is all he has. He gives incentives to people and tells them he will give them great wealth and happiness (this is actually one of his decrees or promises). But THAT IS ALL HE HAS!!! Without people to keep under his control he has nothing. He lures them in with worldly promises and promises that do not benefit your soul. He tells them to give in to every human pleasure and warns them not to be lured by the false and evil Christian God called Jehovah. They know full well that God exists but they refuse to call him anything but Jehovah. They also acknowledge that Jesus exists but they call him "The Nazarene". They said to be careful because Jehovah's angels are beginning to reveal themselves. And two of his decrees I found most interesting and humorous was that Satan believes he is going to live forever. He must know he isn't but he obviously likes to tell his followers this. And also, "Three things are against me and I hate three things". A satanist explained that this means the "xian trinity".
Overall the things he teaches is fascinating because I can clearly see how wrong, twisted and pathetic it is. The website says, "In contrast to the helpful Demons Satan provides us with, angels are cruel, unfeeling, sadistic, and evil beings who look down upon humanity. One only needs to look at the Christian bible, especially the book of revelation. Angels have repeatedly been messengers of misfortune and instigators of mass murder. Many times, beings and entities from the Christian 'god' will masquerade as Demons, or spirits of Satan. Remember, the Christian 'god' uses ignorance and fear to enslave humanity. People who are open to Christianity or actual Christians are the most vulnerable to negative influences. Some who investigate Satanism and the occult have a bad or terrifying experience, go running back to Christianity, more holy than ever before, and rant about how 'evil' Satan is, when all along it was the Christian 'god' and his angels, frightening them back into the fold". ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It's so sad to see how blind these people are. And yet it's even sadder that most Christians don't even know this stuff. They don't know how our enemy really works. They don't know the tactics he is using to gain followers. It's funny because everything I just said could be something a Satanist could say about us. When I read this stuff and think about Christianity, I see this mental picture:
It's a dark daylight but instead of grey clouds and sky it looks more orange with a red hue. On Satan's side of the camp you see Demons working like mad gathering anyone who will fight for them. They work tirelessly trying to equip humans with their black armor that seem to come alive when it touches their skin. Some armor actually absorbs into their bodies and they become a completely different entity. Almost like they are no longer human because they don't have any more say over their bodies. All around the perimeter of the camp there is Chaos and noise. Nothing is able to be interpreted, there's just noise and unrest. There are some humans on the edge of the camp unsure of whether they want to be involved in battle at all but surrounding them are more Demons trying to alter their senses and persuading them to join. They whisper to them that they wont have to fight they just have to give their souls to "Father Satan". Who needs their souls anyway? As soon as they are convinced they are brought in to the camp and covered with armor, given a wicked weapon and sent out. All around them are animal corpses and the stench of evil and perverted messes but all the humans see is the earth in it's blue and green glory. They can't see any of the darkness surrounding them and so they continue on in their ways not knowing what they are opposing. The one thing that stands out about this army is that they are passionate. Every one of them come to know Satan and what he is capable of. They join in on his arrogant and selfish ways. By the time they go to battle, they all know who they are fighting for. Despite the constant quaralling among each other and the death, they are all unified with one purpose. Others will see the mess and the Chaos and try to run but unless they run into Jesus' camp, they never make it.
Over on Jesus' side it is quiet and peaceful. The sky is no different but over here it just seems kinda beautiful and still. The people within are happy and content. There are MANY people in this camp but they seem to be split off into huge groups that could even look like cliques. One group is full of humans on their knees in intercession. These people are aware that there is a battle on the horizon. These people know there is already war being fought just outside the camps. They are asking God to fight on their behalf and sitting in the midst of them are angels going over God's battle strategy with his willing people. In another group we see restless Christians. They can't sit still so they are always moving. They want to get going into the war and fight. Most have no clue what they are even fighting for, they just want to go. Sometimes they end up fighting with each other and between them are angels trying to keep the peace and keep them focused on their Jesus and their goal. There are other groups just standing around looking like a deer in the headlights. They have no clue what they are supposed to be doing. You see angels trying to assist them with their sparkling silver armor and they are looking around bewildered. You see other angels trying to explain to them how to use their weapon over and over and not getting anywhere. And again in another group you see the people all wearing the same sparkling armor but arguing about theirs being better and stronger than their brother. This group is also arguing about how their denominations are better and more effective than their brother's denomination. Despite this there are other groups of hundreds of people and angels worshipping together. They are singing with all their hearts and this seems to brighten other Christians and encourages the ones who feel lost. There is another group made up of mostly women. They are the ones healing the wounds of those who went out to battle and got injured. They are the ones gently bringing deliverence to those who managed to escape the enemy's camp. They are the mothers who go around with words of encouragement and love to heal the wounds that most of God's followers brought with them before they even knew God. Some are self-inflicted and others were a direct result of the enemy. When you are not in the protection of Jesus' camp you are free game to enemy and his Demons.
And within all these groups all around and inside this camp are THOUSANDS of people sound asleep. They are curled up in one spot peacefully sleeping and totally unaware of what is going on around them. You see angels trying to shake them awake and even other humans trying to get them to wake up but to no avail. They are then informed that those who are sleeping are choosing to sleep. Some will wake up and take up their spots at the front lines and other will sleep right through battle until Jesus comes. They know Him and they love Him but they have excuses of how they "just didn't get enough sleep the night before". They choose not to wake up. The one thing that stands out about this army is that the King they are fighting for knows each one intimately and loves them so deeply he is willing to to spend an eternity raising them up to properly fight. He is patient and kind with each one. He waits to begin full on battle just in case one more decides to join him. He cares for and heals each person that comes to him for help. He personally greets them and raises them up to be proper warriors. And even though this army is still lacking complete unity, when the horn sounds to announce Jesus' arrival, they will all straighten up and come to full attention and in that time they will all know EXACTLY what they need to do and WHO they are fighting for.
God has shown me that Satan has nothing to hold onto. Not permanently anyway. He gives his followers fake promises and tells them that the Christian God is the one who is evil.
I read a book called, "Just Give Me Jesus" and in it the author describes how while in England, she met a banker who dealt specifically with money fraud. She said to him basically, "Wow, you must spend hours looking at different types of counterfeit money!" and he replied, "On the contrary, I spend hours looking at the real thing. That way I will know the difference instantly when there is a counterfeit." This is what we need to do and do not do it!!! So like I said, although I researched the enemy's followers and looked at the counterfeit, I seem to not spend enough time studying and getting to know the real thing. When I do, then I will know when anything that is not of God comes along.
And so with this said, I am encouraged and happy that I am in the process of getting to know the King that I worship. I speak to all those who are choosing to sleep to WAKE UP! Get on your armor, grab your weapon, go spend some time with Jesus so you will know his plans and then fight. We wont lose if we listen to Him. Satan will NOT live forever and Satan does NOT love his followers and he does NOT love you.
Just think about it a little bit.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Lately...
I'm tired but I'm not in the mood to sleep. So here I am at almost 3 in the morning. I have nothing going on and yet so much going on at once. We just had our baby boy 11 days ago (wow, that long already?!?) and much to my complete surprise, it's been soooo easy. Little Endon is such an easy baby. He cries only when he's hungry, needs to be changed or he wants to cuddle. The rest of the time he is totally content to sleep on his own in the bassinet. Guess what? I'm actually sleeping. Is it easier because he's a boy, because I've done this before, because my attitude is positive, or all of the above? I don't know...there's just something so easy about it. Athaliah wouldn't let us put her down, and when we actually got the chance, she would not lay on her back. Endon just doesn't care. (that must be a boy thing). Either way, I am feeling so relaxed and calm and oddly enough, really strong. I feel confident and capable. The "hard" days are less and less as Athaliah gets older and I am able to communicate with her better. And this time, I know what to expect with Endon.
I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself and I love who God is making me into. Everyday that passes, I don't recognize the person from yesterday. I am constantly growing and experiencing new things. I look back on everything and I can see where Jesus was through all of it. I'm in a very good place right now. I'm healthy in my mind and in my emotions and I never would have made it if I didn't have Jesus. I am so thankful and so full of joy when I think of him. When I look at my children I smile and I think of how He would interact with them...and it melts me to the point where I fall in love with Jesus all over again. When I see old people I am filled with compassion and the desire to listen to all their life stories. When I see neglected children I want to take them away and love them until they're tired of it, and when I see young teens I want to be their friend and mentor them so they make good choices in life. And when I see broken people I hurt with them and cry on their behalf. To the world that would be a depressing way to feel all the time, but it moves me into action and I don't take it for granted. My heart is soft and I love that this is the way I was made.
I've been changing inside too. I've been reading a book by Lisa Bevere called, "Fight Like A Girl" and it has been the most eye opening and empowering book I've read in a very long time. It's not about feminism but about women's role as God intended. In one chapter she talks about how it is the woman's job to keep her husbands emotions, secrets and deep desires that he shares with you and no one else, locked away safe in your heart, protecting them from outside threats like a special treasure. I have been meditating on that for a bit and I am beginning to feel honored that I get to be the secret keeper of Damien's deep longings and desires. She shares how women are built to heal, to encourage and love. And so I can have a direct influence on not only the spiritual atmosphere of my home, but on how well my family is thriving. It's my job to take those special treasures that Damien gives me and polish them and nurture them into encouragement and love. I immediately felt that this is exactly what I was meant for. I know that the longing to love, to nurture, to encourage, and to heal is ingrained in me. God showed me that this is a special role unique to women. I think it's very empowering and encouraging to me.
The book also talks about how God never forgets his hurting daughters. This has got to be the most encouraging thing for me to know. I love my husband so much. I want nothing more than to see him succeed and reach his goals and dreams, and one thing I stand firmly by is the fact that from the very beginning I've loved Damien for everything that he is, good and bad. But I have to be honest with you. I am hurting. Damien has informed me twice now (after I've spent over an hour encouraging him in something and pouring love on him) that he has nothing to encourage me in or pour on me because he doesn't see anything that inspires him or makes him say, "Wow, this is my wife". These are his words and I have one word to say in response: "Ouch". Didn't I just go through almost 3 years of pure anxiety and fear only to come out unharmed on the other side? Didn't I give birth to both of his children? Have I not stood beside him faithfully when he needed me the most? Do I really have nothing of worth to brag about? Do I have NO qualities or a personality at all? I guess not in his eyes. This makes me very sad. It lowers my confidence in everything I do or want to do and he has told me it is because he has unrealistic expectations that I can and never will meet. He askes God to change him and I pray too that he will. What is the use of me being here if I have nothing to offer? Or perhaps it's what my husband will not accept from me? I don't know...but despite this, I still have hope. I know I was meant to be with Damien for the rest of my life and I know God loves me enough that he wouldn't put me here to watch me suffer and cry. I just have to keep praying and be patient. God will do whatever he needs to in his own time and I just have to remain faithful. It really sucks when your own husband does not see your worth...but I thank God that HE does. This won't and does not change the way I will treat Damien. I will continue to love, to encourage and nurture despite how I feel and I will hold onto the hope that he will come around eventually. I am only sharing this because these are the things that have been going on and I wanted to talk about what I am learning in the process. I am strong and I have faith. That's all I need right now.I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself and I love who God is making me into. Everyday that passes, I don't recognize the person from yesterday. I am constantly growing and experiencing new things. I look back on everything and I can see where Jesus was through all of it. I'm in a very good place right now. I'm healthy in my mind and in my emotions and I never would have made it if I didn't have Jesus. I am so thankful and so full of joy when I think of him. When I look at my children I smile and I think of how He would interact with them...and it melts me to the point where I fall in love with Jesus all over again. When I see old people I am filled with compassion and the desire to listen to all their life stories. When I see neglected children I want to take them away and love them until they're tired of it, and when I see young teens I want to be their friend and mentor them so they make good choices in life. And when I see broken people I hurt with them and cry on their behalf. To the world that would be a depressing way to feel all the time, but it moves me into action and I don't take it for granted. My heart is soft and I love that this is the way I was made.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Hannah
Have you ever been put to shame by someone who seems to have more Christ-like qualities than you and they're not even a Christian? This evening around dinner, I was so immensely blessed by my neighbour that it almost brought me to tears. Not only because I feel so loved but because I feel shamed at my laziness.
My neighbour's name is Hanna. She is an Arab woman from Sudan with 4 children and one on the way. I met her because my other neighbour and I are friends who both have a child 6 months apart from each other. I babysit her boy Rolando on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until Rolando's Dad gets home from work and one day he was over there playing with all of Hannah's kids. So I took Athaliah over there as an excuse to introduce myself. I had never seen the woman who lived there before. One of Hannah's children, Sarah, took an instant liking to Athaliah and was constantly trying to give her kisses. She's a gorgeous child I might point out too. Anyway, from that day on, me and Hannah have been getting to know each other when the weather is nice enough for us to sit outside her home in the sun. Hannah's husband Caleb is very good to her. She says that's why she has so many kids! It's good to know that there are some very good men out there still.
There is something about Hannah that is so intriguing. I don't know what it is but there's this light in her eyes that shines so brightly. I have never known an Arab woman who is so open to friendship with me...a white person. I've always been so fascinated with Arab culture and customs because the women are always so shy and hidden...sometimes literally, but Hannah is so open and caring and seriously loving. She insists that she is going to come help with the baby when he is born because my mom is moving to Quebec on the July long weekend. I know that where she comes from everyone looks after everyone else. It's only natural to her. She loves to share with me all the things she loves and the food she makes when she feels well. (She's only 3 months along and suffers a great deal with morning sickness). This woman is something different. She wears a scarf over her head but only when she is going somewhere does she secure it. A lot of times it blows off her head in the wind and she takes her time putting it back. Her youngest child Nadia is just a little older than Athaliah but they don't really get along. I assume it's because they're both at the age of not wanting to share and they are both girls. Nadia is very sweet too. One day I picked her up and out of habit I started rubbing her back cause I do that with Athaliah, and she put her head on my shoulder. I went to give her back to her mom and she refused!! As soon as MY little girl saw that, she threw a temper tantrum; again because Athaliah doesn't like to share anything...especially her mommy. Hannah also likes to show me her "tattoos" as she calls them. It's actually black Henna. She always has these amazing designs on her feet and hands and we have an agreement that when she feels better she has to do some Henna on me.
So getting to this evening, I was being kind of selfish and wanting to spend money we don't have so I could satisfy my hunger and craving for Joey's Only. (One of my FAVORITE restaurants). The truth is currently we have no food in the house to eat except milk, pita bread and cheese. The smart thing to do would be to go to the store but the whole money thing is getting in the way. And my kitchen is a disaster so of course I don't want to cook. So I resigned to maybe just not eating for the evening. I took Athaliah to the couch so she could munch on some Cheerios on my lap when who knocks at the door? HANNAH! She walks in with this HUGE smile on her face and says, "Where's your wife?" and Damien points to me on the couch. She says to me, "You sick? I haven't seen you in a while." I said no but then she just hands me this steaming plate of pasta to eat. She said, "I have to go, but you eat!" and then she left! I was blown away. I thought to myself, WOW...I am SO selfish. I have food I COULD make if I wanted to but I was just too lazy...and yet, God still provided my dinner. Not only did Hannah randomly bring me dinner, but she's sick and spends her days chasing her four children when she is not lying down. I thought that I am the one who should be going over there to help HER! I don't have any nausea anymore and I only have ONE kid at the moment. Hannah did all that for me just because she cares about me. When was the last time I did something like that? I mean, I made a cheesecake last week and gave her a slice to which she gave me some very interesting Lamb soup. But to top it off, she came back tonight to make sure I ate my dinner AND in the process brought me a delicious hot dessert and took off again! HAHA. She just makes me smile every time I think of her.
I think honestly, this is the first time someone has spontaneously decided to love me just because she felt like it and it's an amazing feeling. I've never been on the receiving end of something like this. Sure, LOTS of people have helped me and offered help...but no one until Hannah has ever just done something for me without reason. Now I know how it feels to be loved by Jesus in another person. I see so much of Jesus in Hannah. I can't seem to get enough of her.
To be honest though, I'm scared to get too close because I don't want it to hurt when she leaves. I don't know when she is leaving but she has said that the house they are in is filthy (which it is because Calgary Housing owns it and the people that lived there before were two male bachelors). She said she doesn't want to stay. I don't blame her but she is one person I don't ever want to lose contact with. There's just something about her that draws you in. She's the type of person you can't NOT love. I loved her instantly. And while I am trying to figure out how to be Jesus to my neighbours, my neighbours are being Jesus to me without even knowing it.
I pray with all my heart that I can get to know Hannah more and that perhaps her living conditions can be improved so she doesn't have to leave. I feel like there is so much more I want to know and learn about her and her culture. I want to spend more time with her and give back to her.
Here's the bottom line. Jesus wants us to be a part of each others lives regardless of race and religion. I was talking with an older mom one Sunday and we were discussing WHY motherhood is so lonely. It's only lonely in North America. Everywhere else the women spend everyday together looking after everyone else's kids. I've always felt that I didn't belong in this North American culture. I know deep down that Hannah's type of community is what is necessary. This culture is so scared of it's neighbours it's almost comical. I asked God to bring women into my life who crave this close kind of community as well. That's where Hannah comes in. She's teaching me about what it's like to live that way. She says it's hard for her out here and she's lonely too. In Sudan, all the other women would be looking after her kids and she'd be resting. That's just how it is. Here in Canada she's isolated and has to look after her kids by herself when her husband is not home. So for now we have each other. I believe that is exactly what God was hoping for...and me too.
And update on the Pregnancy and life in general: It's been confirmed that we are definitely having a boy...and I saw the proof myself. Damien is really excited. I'm not sure how I feel yet because I barely have time to think about it. Athaliah is very busy...and messy and I'm just trying to keep up with her most of the time. I'm just entering my 3rd trimester, I feel AMAZING and because I am not queasy, I could care less that my pelvic bone is separating from the ligaments. Honestly, I'd take that over being sick any day. Good news on being sick though: I'm well on my way to getting over my severe phobia of vomit. Athaliah went through a time where she was getting sick for a month and a half at random times and I found that although it was gross and not something I wanted to deal with, I didn't panic and I did what I had to do. Also, a few months ago I started losing weight because of my anxiety attacks. They were making me vomit almost daily. I know that most of this was due to the hormones that relax the opening to my stomach but nonetheless, I saw myself get sick enough times to not have a massive panic attack when I feel ill. I have my moments however. I STILL cannot handle ANYONE ELSE getting sick. That one still gets me. The good news is that I feel confident enough now that I can follow through with the profession I've always wanted to do: Nursing. I know that in due time, my fear of others being sick will be taken care of as well as the rest of my fears. It's just a matter of working through the trauma's and letting God take down the strongholds guarding the fear and exposing the LIES that the enemy has tortured me with my whole life. I also know without a doubt, my phobia is generational. I am working on these things as well.
So back to the baby situation, this time around is going to be so different in so many ways. The most impact full is that my mom is moving back home to Oka, Quebec. She leaves at the beginning of July. As the date gets closer, I get more and more sad. My mom is leaving and I have no clue when I will see her again. I know she is not leaving ME, she is leaving because her home, her roots and her memories (even some good ones) are over there and this is going to make her happy. She has no family out here (except me and my brother) and she feels it's time to do something for herself. I am proud of her and happy for her...I've just never experienced my mom being more than a couple miles away. So she wont be there to see her Grandson being born and in her place I am having a Doula come in. A Doula is just a labour support person who does whatever she can to help you through. Since Damien spent almost the whole time laughing at me when I was in labour with Athaliah, I figure she might be of some use. Anyway, my mom didn't do much to help when Athaliah was born so I wouldn't expect much anyway, but the fact remains that it's hard when "mom" isn't there.
Other than that, I am very happy and looking forward to another baby. I love newborns! And no, I am not done having children. I'm going to take a break after this one, but I am not finished! I'm a mom, and that's just how it is.
Hope everyone else is doing well.
Love, Erin
My neighbour's name is Hanna. She is an Arab woman from Sudan with 4 children and one on the way. I met her because my other neighbour and I are friends who both have a child 6 months apart from each other. I babysit her boy Rolando on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until Rolando's Dad gets home from work and one day he was over there playing with all of Hannah's kids. So I took Athaliah over there as an excuse to introduce myself. I had never seen the woman who lived there before. One of Hannah's children, Sarah, took an instant liking to Athaliah and was constantly trying to give her kisses. She's a gorgeous child I might point out too. Anyway, from that day on, me and Hannah have been getting to know each other when the weather is nice enough for us to sit outside her home in the sun. Hannah's husband Caleb is very good to her. She says that's why she has so many kids! It's good to know that there are some very good men out there still.
There is something about Hannah that is so intriguing. I don't know what it is but there's this light in her eyes that shines so brightly. I have never known an Arab woman who is so open to friendship with me...a white person. I've always been so fascinated with Arab culture and customs because the women are always so shy and hidden...sometimes literally, but Hannah is so open and caring and seriously loving. She insists that she is going to come help with the baby when he is born because my mom is moving to Quebec on the July long weekend. I know that where she comes from everyone looks after everyone else. It's only natural to her. She loves to share with me all the things she loves and the food she makes when she feels well. (She's only 3 months along and suffers a great deal with morning sickness). This woman is something different. She wears a scarf over her head but only when she is going somewhere does she secure it. A lot of times it blows off her head in the wind and she takes her time putting it back. Her youngest child Nadia is just a little older than Athaliah but they don't really get along. I assume it's because they're both at the age of not wanting to share and they are both girls. Nadia is very sweet too. One day I picked her up and out of habit I started rubbing her back cause I do that with Athaliah, and she put her head on my shoulder. I went to give her back to her mom and she refused!! As soon as MY little girl saw that, she threw a temper tantrum; again because Athaliah doesn't like to share anything...especially her mommy. Hannah also likes to show me her "tattoos" as she calls them. It's actually black Henna. She always has these amazing designs on her feet and hands and we have an agreement that when she feels better she has to do some Henna on me.
So getting to this evening, I was being kind of selfish and wanting to spend money we don't have so I could satisfy my hunger and craving for Joey's Only. (One of my FAVORITE restaurants). The truth is currently we have no food in the house to eat except milk, pita bread and cheese. The smart thing to do would be to go to the store but the whole money thing is getting in the way. And my kitchen is a disaster so of course I don't want to cook. So I resigned to maybe just not eating for the evening. I took Athaliah to the couch so she could munch on some Cheerios on my lap when who knocks at the door? HANNAH! She walks in with this HUGE smile on her face and says, "Where's your wife?" and Damien points to me on the couch. She says to me, "You sick? I haven't seen you in a while." I said no but then she just hands me this steaming plate of pasta to eat. She said, "I have to go, but you eat!" and then she left! I was blown away. I thought to myself, WOW...I am SO selfish. I have food I COULD make if I wanted to but I was just too lazy...and yet, God still provided my dinner. Not only did Hannah randomly bring me dinner, but she's sick and spends her days chasing her four children when she is not lying down. I thought that I am the one who should be going over there to help HER! I don't have any nausea anymore and I only have ONE kid at the moment. Hannah did all that for me just because she cares about me. When was the last time I did something like that? I mean, I made a cheesecake last week and gave her a slice to which she gave me some very interesting Lamb soup. But to top it off, she came back tonight to make sure I ate my dinner AND in the process brought me a delicious hot dessert and took off again! HAHA. She just makes me smile every time I think of her.
I think honestly, this is the first time someone has spontaneously decided to love me just because she felt like it and it's an amazing feeling. I've never been on the receiving end of something like this. Sure, LOTS of people have helped me and offered help...but no one until Hannah has ever just done something for me without reason. Now I know how it feels to be loved by Jesus in another person. I see so much of Jesus in Hannah. I can't seem to get enough of her.
To be honest though, I'm scared to get too close because I don't want it to hurt when she leaves. I don't know when she is leaving but she has said that the house they are in is filthy (which it is because Calgary Housing owns it and the people that lived there before were two male bachelors). She said she doesn't want to stay. I don't blame her but she is one person I don't ever want to lose contact with. There's just something about her that draws you in. She's the type of person you can't NOT love. I loved her instantly. And while I am trying to figure out how to be Jesus to my neighbours, my neighbours are being Jesus to me without even knowing it.
I pray with all my heart that I can get to know Hannah more and that perhaps her living conditions can be improved so she doesn't have to leave. I feel like there is so much more I want to know and learn about her and her culture. I want to spend more time with her and give back to her.
Here's the bottom line. Jesus wants us to be a part of each others lives regardless of race and religion. I was talking with an older mom one Sunday and we were discussing WHY motherhood is so lonely. It's only lonely in North America. Everywhere else the women spend everyday together looking after everyone else's kids. I've always felt that I didn't belong in this North American culture. I know deep down that Hannah's type of community is what is necessary. This culture is so scared of it's neighbours it's almost comical. I asked God to bring women into my life who crave this close kind of community as well. That's where Hannah comes in. She's teaching me about what it's like to live that way. She says it's hard for her out here and she's lonely too. In Sudan, all the other women would be looking after her kids and she'd be resting. That's just how it is. Here in Canada she's isolated and has to look after her kids by herself when her husband is not home. So for now we have each other. I believe that is exactly what God was hoping for...and me too.
And update on the Pregnancy and life in general: It's been confirmed that we are definitely having a boy...and I saw the proof myself. Damien is really excited. I'm not sure how I feel yet because I barely have time to think about it. Athaliah is very busy...and messy and I'm just trying to keep up with her most of the time. I'm just entering my 3rd trimester, I feel AMAZING and because I am not queasy, I could care less that my pelvic bone is separating from the ligaments. Honestly, I'd take that over being sick any day. Good news on being sick though: I'm well on my way to getting over my severe phobia of vomit. Athaliah went through a time where she was getting sick for a month and a half at random times and I found that although it was gross and not something I wanted to deal with, I didn't panic and I did what I had to do. Also, a few months ago I started losing weight because of my anxiety attacks. They were making me vomit almost daily. I know that most of this was due to the hormones that relax the opening to my stomach but nonetheless, I saw myself get sick enough times to not have a massive panic attack when I feel ill. I have my moments however. I STILL cannot handle ANYONE ELSE getting sick. That one still gets me. The good news is that I feel confident enough now that I can follow through with the profession I've always wanted to do: Nursing. I know that in due time, my fear of others being sick will be taken care of as well as the rest of my fears. It's just a matter of working through the trauma's and letting God take down the strongholds guarding the fear and exposing the LIES that the enemy has tortured me with my whole life. I also know without a doubt, my phobia is generational. I am working on these things as well.
So back to the baby situation, this time around is going to be so different in so many ways. The most impact full is that my mom is moving back home to Oka, Quebec. She leaves at the beginning of July. As the date gets closer, I get more and more sad. My mom is leaving and I have no clue when I will see her again. I know she is not leaving ME, she is leaving because her home, her roots and her memories (even some good ones) are over there and this is going to make her happy. She has no family out here (except me and my brother) and she feels it's time to do something for herself. I am proud of her and happy for her...I've just never experienced my mom being more than a couple miles away. So she wont be there to see her Grandson being born and in her place I am having a Doula come in. A Doula is just a labour support person who does whatever she can to help you through. Since Damien spent almost the whole time laughing at me when I was in labour with Athaliah, I figure she might be of some use. Anyway, my mom didn't do much to help when Athaliah was born so I wouldn't expect much anyway, but the fact remains that it's hard when "mom" isn't there.
Other than that, I am very happy and looking forward to another baby. I love newborns! And no, I am not done having children. I'm going to take a break after this one, but I am not finished! I'm a mom, and that's just how it is.
Hope everyone else is doing well.
Love, Erin
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Good things happen when you are obedient
This is such a lame excuse but I haven't been writing because Athaliah has torn 4 keys off of my keyboard and they are irreplaceable at the moment. Three of them are keys I use often: The letters, A, U, and I. I have to constantly press the letter "I" just to get it to work once and so typing takes a while. This is why I haven't written, I need to have something to say and the time to write it. Tonight is a good time. I have an exciting story of obedience to tell. And some ways I have grown in such a little time. This is going to be long one guys.
So in 2005 I went to Lethbridge with my mother-in-law for a conference at that "Miracle Channel" studio. I don't remember anything that went on except that the first night, I saw someone healed right in front of my eyes for the very first time in my life. I was so amazed and excited. The next day after the conference was over, there was a BBQ outside. Brenda (my mother-in-law) wanted to say hi to her former pastor who was there whom she hadn't seen in 15 or 14 years. I went with her because she was too afraid to go alone. As she was talking I kinda stood in the background because I didn't know the guy, I didn't feel the need to stand there with her. All of a sudden he interrupts her and walks up to me and tells me he needs to talk to me. I didn't really understand why but, all right! So he just starts telling me all these things that he sees in me and starts to prophesy into my life! He started saying that he sees I am a nurse, and that I have this loving heart etc. Then all of a sudden his wife shows up beside me and starts repeating that God says I am a "treasure" and a "Jewel". I found this impact full because I had read a book called, "Laugh at the days to come." and it had said to not forget how much of a jewel I am. THEN! (this is the crazy part) another guy comes out of nowhere saying he feels this huge anointing on me that I am to have a healing ministry. I was like, "A WHAT? Do they realize I have never seen anyone healed until the night before?" Obviously not because the man praying for me, I found out, is a retired doctor who works in Africa doing his own healing ministry. I'm not an overly zealous person, but when this man put his hands on me and declared he was passing this ministry onto me, I felt a bolt of electricity go through my body and I almost fell over. I was so in shock from this unexpected event, I kind of took it in stride. Although I didn't have the heart to tell the poor doctor that he was mistaken and I was sorry in advance for letting him down. Let's just say, 3 years later it was ME who was very wrong. Nothing happened for about two years. Then in August of 2007 Damien and I were in Montreal, Quebec visiting friends and family. His friend's wife Lynn has been suffering from migraine headaches since her son was born about 24 years ago and lately it had been getting worse. She had heard the night before as we were talking about this prophesy that God has given me the gift of healing. So when we were alone the next afternoon she broke down in tears and asked me to pray for her. I was so nervous. People have jokingly asked before but I had never actually been faced with going ahead with it. Another thing is that I have NO CLUE how to pray for healing. I've heard Damien praying for people before but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Damien walked in with his friend at that moment and took over for me. As much as I was relieved, I felt that I should have taken care of it. Another clue that this encounter was for me, was that I had literally gotten a headache of the left side of my head. I never get headaches. Never. I didn't mention it because I thought it was just because I was thinking about it. I mentioned it to Damien on the drive back into the city and he told me that maybe God was showing me where the pain was. Either way this was the beginning of my journey and definitely a learning experience.
Basically since then, God has been developing this "gift" and taking me to the edge of my faith until I am looking over the cliff. Many more experiences have happened like this where I feel actual pain and when I address it to a crowd, there is always someone who stands up and says that it's them.
And so the cherry on top is this fantastic story that is unravelling as we speak. A few weeks ago Damien and I, along with Athaliah and our baby-to-be went to our church retreat in Canmore. The night we arrived was terrible. I was queasy as usual but...so was Damien. And when Damien is sick, that is it. I know what is coming. So as Damien spent the WHOLE night in the bathroom, I slept next door with some friends and the next day I spent most of it nursing Damien back to health. I'm going to make a long story short and tell you that a particular friend was there who suffers with severe Epilepsy. I have been feeling for TWO YEARS to spend a whole night praying for him with him there and other people and digging out roots and casting things out. Our friend Jason does not have medical epilepsy, where your brain is injured and has spasms leading to seizures. We know this because a couple years ago he had a seizure on a C-Train platform and fell onto the tracks breaking his jaw and a lot of his face. When I talked to him about this, he said it felt like something had pushed him. I was reminded immediately of the story of the boy with Epilepsy and was brought to Jesus whereupon the spirit in him threw him down trying to kill him. Other friends I have talked to feel the same way. SO, the second night in Canmore, God was telling me the next morning I was to stand up and confront the church and challenge them to pray for Jason. Every time our church gathers to pray for him, it is the routine "We have faith that you will be healed one day." I had had enough of it and so had God. He told me specific things to say and showed me a picture of Jason being healed. By the morning I was so stoked I could barely sit in my chair. I let my pastor know I had something to say and he told me he's let me know when I could come up and talk. SATAN TRIED SO HARD TO GET ME OUT OF THERE IT WAS PATHETIC! He tried twice. Once, Athaliah started screaming out of the blue like she was in the worst pain ever, I had to miss most of the message that was firing me up even more. When the enemy realised I wasn't leaving to take Athaliah to the hospital, she just stopped as abruptly as she started and was happy for the rest of the day. At the end of the service I still had not been called up and people were starting to get ready to leave! NOOO! I went to my pastor and said, "Have you forgotten about me? I really need to say this to Epic." He told me he didn't forget me but that maybe it was a better idea to just send out an e-mail or something. My jaw dropped and I fought back demanding to speak to the church. (I was quite surprised in myself but the spirit was on me and I wasn't going to stop) I got my chance. I let the church know that their in-action was unacceptable and that God was calling each and every one of them to that edge of their faith. I told them that because God had shown me a picture of Jason being healed, I had enough faith for all of them. And while I COULD pray by myself and maybe something could happen, He was calling the CHURCH to pray for him. I told them all they had to do was show up at a time and place that was set up and just pray for Jason for as long as it took. I also told them that if they didn't show up and Jason WAS healed (which he will be) they were going to feel rather stupid for missing out on an amazing miracle. I couldn't see much at this point because I was in tears, but when I had managed to look at everyone, I noticed there was not a dry eye in the house. NOT ONE. Our pastor suggested we pray for Jason then and there and then continue when the time and space was set up. Our church gathered around him and prayed for Jason for almost two hours! I was so proud of them. We all wept. Men and women, weeping for our friend and weeping from conviction. It was an amazing day.
It's also not over. In three weeks, our church is going to hold an all night prayer vigil for our friend Jason, and it's happening in the exact way God showed me. The picture I see is our sanctuary (which no longer has pews but folding chairs) and sleeping bags scattered about. I even see the colour blue as in random blue sleeping bags. And it's dark but there is a light on, and all of us are in the middle with Jason in the center of that. We are all sitting around him listening and praying and listening to Jason speak. And then I see something happen that is almost physical but not quite...Jason is healed and no one has to speak a word, we just all know somehow. That's all I see. Over and over. And it's going to happen in three weeks.
I was obedient to God's calling, I have listened to him as he shows me other people's pain, and now the biggest test of my faith is taking place right now. I have come to accept that I know nothing about healing and God has told me that is perfect for him...because I can never say it is me and I know it!
God showed me one other thing through this experience that I want to share. Stay with me because this is ERIN. This is the Erin God has made me to be and not the Erin other people have made me.
I was complaining before we went to Canmore because I felt that my church wasn't able to help me with the gifts God has given to me, and he hasn't provided me with a mentor to teach me about healing etc. Then on the drive home from Canmore God showed me that I don't actually need a mentor because HE has been mentoring and teaching me just fine. And also that there IS no one at Epic who can help me because I am the one being called to help THEM. In other words, God is telling me I am like Moses. Quiet, sorta shy, not a speaker at all, but then all of a sudden finds himself in the position of "leader" knowing nothing. That's me. God is calling me to be a leader in my church. I am the last person who thought it would be me. Surely Damien, the out spoken, carefree social person that he is, is the one who is called to that. Maybe, but as it stands, he is calling ME. I am going to mentor other people in the church and I am going to help other people see that they have gifts.
I am not the same Erin people used to know. Even since August I have dramatically changed and people who have only met me recently know me as really passionate and driven. That definitely wasn't me a year ago.
I like me. Not the new me, the me that was hidden behind everyone else's expectations. Jesus is so good. SO GOOD.
P.S If you would like to participate in praying for our friend Jason on March 8th and 9th, let me know and I will give you the details. It doesn't matter if you don't know him, the whole church of Christ is called to the same thing.
So in 2005 I went to Lethbridge with my mother-in-law for a conference at that "Miracle Channel" studio. I don't remember anything that went on except that the first night, I saw someone healed right in front of my eyes for the very first time in my life. I was so amazed and excited. The next day after the conference was over, there was a BBQ outside. Brenda (my mother-in-law) wanted to say hi to her former pastor who was there whom she hadn't seen in 15 or 14 years. I went with her because she was too afraid to go alone. As she was talking I kinda stood in the background because I didn't know the guy, I didn't feel the need to stand there with her. All of a sudden he interrupts her and walks up to me and tells me he needs to talk to me. I didn't really understand why but, all right! So he just starts telling me all these things that he sees in me and starts to prophesy into my life! He started saying that he sees I am a nurse, and that I have this loving heart etc. Then all of a sudden his wife shows up beside me and starts repeating that God says I am a "treasure" and a "Jewel". I found this impact full because I had read a book called, "Laugh at the days to come." and it had said to not forget how much of a jewel I am. THEN! (this is the crazy part) another guy comes out of nowhere saying he feels this huge anointing on me that I am to have a healing ministry. I was like, "A WHAT? Do they realize I have never seen anyone healed until the night before?" Obviously not because the man praying for me, I found out, is a retired doctor who works in Africa doing his own healing ministry. I'm not an overly zealous person, but when this man put his hands on me and declared he was passing this ministry onto me, I felt a bolt of electricity go through my body and I almost fell over. I was so in shock from this unexpected event, I kind of took it in stride. Although I didn't have the heart to tell the poor doctor that he was mistaken and I was sorry in advance for letting him down. Let's just say, 3 years later it was ME who was very wrong. Nothing happened for about two years. Then in August of 2007 Damien and I were in Montreal, Quebec visiting friends and family. His friend's wife Lynn has been suffering from migraine headaches since her son was born about 24 years ago and lately it had been getting worse. She had heard the night before as we were talking about this prophesy that God has given me the gift of healing. So when we were alone the next afternoon she broke down in tears and asked me to pray for her. I was so nervous. People have jokingly asked before but I had never actually been faced with going ahead with it. Another thing is that I have NO CLUE how to pray for healing. I've heard Damien praying for people before but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Damien walked in with his friend at that moment and took over for me. As much as I was relieved, I felt that I should have taken care of it. Another clue that this encounter was for me, was that I had literally gotten a headache of the left side of my head. I never get headaches. Never. I didn't mention it because I thought it was just because I was thinking about it. I mentioned it to Damien on the drive back into the city and he told me that maybe God was showing me where the pain was. Either way this was the beginning of my journey and definitely a learning experience.
Basically since then, God has been developing this "gift" and taking me to the edge of my faith until I am looking over the cliff. Many more experiences have happened like this where I feel actual pain and when I address it to a crowd, there is always someone who stands up and says that it's them.
And so the cherry on top is this fantastic story that is unravelling as we speak. A few weeks ago Damien and I, along with Athaliah and our baby-to-be went to our church retreat in Canmore. The night we arrived was terrible. I was queasy as usual but...so was Damien. And when Damien is sick, that is it. I know what is coming. So as Damien spent the WHOLE night in the bathroom, I slept next door with some friends and the next day I spent most of it nursing Damien back to health. I'm going to make a long story short and tell you that a particular friend was there who suffers with severe Epilepsy. I have been feeling for TWO YEARS to spend a whole night praying for him with him there and other people and digging out roots and casting things out. Our friend Jason does not have medical epilepsy, where your brain is injured and has spasms leading to seizures. We know this because a couple years ago he had a seizure on a C-Train platform and fell onto the tracks breaking his jaw and a lot of his face. When I talked to him about this, he said it felt like something had pushed him. I was reminded immediately of the story of the boy with Epilepsy and was brought to Jesus whereupon the spirit in him threw him down trying to kill him. Other friends I have talked to feel the same way. SO, the second night in Canmore, God was telling me the next morning I was to stand up and confront the church and challenge them to pray for Jason. Every time our church gathers to pray for him, it is the routine "We have faith that you will be healed one day." I had had enough of it and so had God. He told me specific things to say and showed me a picture of Jason being healed. By the morning I was so stoked I could barely sit in my chair. I let my pastor know I had something to say and he told me he's let me know when I could come up and talk. SATAN TRIED SO HARD TO GET ME OUT OF THERE IT WAS PATHETIC! He tried twice. Once, Athaliah started screaming out of the blue like she was in the worst pain ever, I had to miss most of the message that was firing me up even more. When the enemy realised I wasn't leaving to take Athaliah to the hospital, she just stopped as abruptly as she started and was happy for the rest of the day. At the end of the service I still had not been called up and people were starting to get ready to leave! NOOO! I went to my pastor and said, "Have you forgotten about me? I really need to say this to Epic." He told me he didn't forget me but that maybe it was a better idea to just send out an e-mail or something. My jaw dropped and I fought back demanding to speak to the church. (I was quite surprised in myself but the spirit was on me and I wasn't going to stop) I got my chance. I let the church know that their in-action was unacceptable and that God was calling each and every one of them to that edge of their faith. I told them that because God had shown me a picture of Jason being healed, I had enough faith for all of them. And while I COULD pray by myself and maybe something could happen, He was calling the CHURCH to pray for him. I told them all they had to do was show up at a time and place that was set up and just pray for Jason for as long as it took. I also told them that if they didn't show up and Jason WAS healed (which he will be) they were going to feel rather stupid for missing out on an amazing miracle. I couldn't see much at this point because I was in tears, but when I had managed to look at everyone, I noticed there was not a dry eye in the house. NOT ONE. Our pastor suggested we pray for Jason then and there and then continue when the time and space was set up. Our church gathered around him and prayed for Jason for almost two hours! I was so proud of them. We all wept. Men and women, weeping for our friend and weeping from conviction. It was an amazing day.
It's also not over. In three weeks, our church is going to hold an all night prayer vigil for our friend Jason, and it's happening in the exact way God showed me. The picture I see is our sanctuary (which no longer has pews but folding chairs) and sleeping bags scattered about. I even see the colour blue as in random blue sleeping bags. And it's dark but there is a light on, and all of us are in the middle with Jason in the center of that. We are all sitting around him listening and praying and listening to Jason speak. And then I see something happen that is almost physical but not quite...Jason is healed and no one has to speak a word, we just all know somehow. That's all I see. Over and over. And it's going to happen in three weeks.
I was obedient to God's calling, I have listened to him as he shows me other people's pain, and now the biggest test of my faith is taking place right now. I have come to accept that I know nothing about healing and God has told me that is perfect for him...because I can never say it is me and I know it!
God showed me one other thing through this experience that I want to share. Stay with me because this is ERIN. This is the Erin God has made me to be and not the Erin other people have made me.
I was complaining before we went to Canmore because I felt that my church wasn't able to help me with the gifts God has given to me, and he hasn't provided me with a mentor to teach me about healing etc. Then on the drive home from Canmore God showed me that I don't actually need a mentor because HE has been mentoring and teaching me just fine. And also that there IS no one at Epic who can help me because I am the one being called to help THEM. In other words, God is telling me I am like Moses. Quiet, sorta shy, not a speaker at all, but then all of a sudden finds himself in the position of "leader" knowing nothing. That's me. God is calling me to be a leader in my church. I am the last person who thought it would be me. Surely Damien, the out spoken, carefree social person that he is, is the one who is called to that. Maybe, but as it stands, he is calling ME. I am going to mentor other people in the church and I am going to help other people see that they have gifts.
I am not the same Erin people used to know. Even since August I have dramatically changed and people who have only met me recently know me as really passionate and driven. That definitely wasn't me a year ago.
I like me. Not the new me, the me that was hidden behind everyone else's expectations. Jesus is so good. SO GOOD.
P.S If you would like to participate in praying for our friend Jason on March 8th and 9th, let me know and I will give you the details. It doesn't matter if you don't know him, the whole church of Christ is called to the same thing.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Bump Watch: 7 Weeks
I think I am having twins. This is me currently. Seven weeks. I'm not even two months along. Other clues that lead me to think there are two is that tonight as Athaliah and I were dancing together, I leaked Colostrum. I've never heard of that except in the last trimester. The only way that could happen would be if there are A LOT of hormones surging through my body. Also, as queasy as I feel sometimes, I am SO hungry. All I can think about is food. Different kinds of food, how to make it, what I would eat if I could eat it. I'm currently craving Crepes. Mmmm, with lemon and icing sugar. See? I can't stop. I'm not complaining though, food is great. On the other hand...I think I am already gaining more weight than I normally would...which is another indicator. And look at my picture. Does that say anything?? And here is the big one, last night as I was trying for the millionth time to sleep, I suddenly felt butterflies in my stomach. At first I was like, "Hmmm, that's an interesting feeling of gas...kind of pleasant actually." and then...it didn't stop. And all day at random times I felt this flutter that goes from light to really strong! I don't understand though because according to all the medical thingy's, the baby is not supposed to start moving until 8 weeks or so. AND, currently the baby is supposed to be the size of a grain of rice. (I wonder...cooked or uncooked)? Mmmm, rice with butter and salt...
Sooo, IF there is possibly two, they have started sumo wrestling...cause I can seriously feel it!! I have never heard of this!! With Athaliah, I felt her move at around 10 weeks but I didn't know until someone told me. But I have a hard time believing I could feel anything this early. Who knows? I talked to my mom who has exerience in carrying twins (she's done it twice. My sister was a twin but her twin was miscarried, and then there is me and my brother). Mom said she was in maternity clothes at two months and the doctor knew something was up. So after explaining my symptoms to mom, she agreed that it is very likely and I need to get an early ultrasound. I've already been told by some people who suggest that perhaps my "dates" are wrong. The answer to that is, No they're not. I marked down on a calendar every month when my "friend" came to visit and I knew when I was ovulating...and Damien KNEW what HE was doing when I told him...and when my next period was due, I KNEW I was pregnant. So no, my dates are exact.
I am still trying to get a hold of my doctor who seems to be closed every time I call. Tomorrow I am going to try in the morning. I am dying for an ultrasound now!
My nose is still stuffy. It's getting worse. I heard that stuffy and bloody noses are common in pregnancy. Already I've had three nosebleeds brought on by Athaliah squeezing my nose while I "BEEP"ed at her. and of course my stuffy nose has been keeping me awake for the past two weeks.
Things are looking up though. I tried an experement that includes taking two Diclectin (nausea medicine) three times a day. It takes three hours for the medicine to start working so I take them at ten so that by one in the morning I am tired and relaxed and sleep better. Then I wake up and take them right away, which is usually at 10 in the morning, so that by one in the afternoon (around the time of Athaliah and I's nap) I sleep well, and then I take them at five in the evening so that I can get through my evening...and then again at 10 pm. So far it is working which means I feel well enough to keep eating and the more I eat, the less queasy I feel. Isn't it fantastic?
Alright, well, I've been hit with a creative idea for my Sims 2 game so I'm gonna go get it done.
Lemme know what you think! TWINS??? EH??
Saturday, January 12, 2008
How Long This Time?
Ugh. I'm here again. I said I would never do it again. I told myself I would not get myself into this AGAIN!! But here I sit, in bed, sick as I was last time. I know there is only one way out of this and it ends in painful labor. Yeah. I'm pregnant again. Oh man how it is different and yet so much the same. It's harder in some ways this time around. I have Athaliah who is my literal dream come true and I have this baby inside me who is causing mommy a lot of misery. When I wake up in the morning I am dizzy and unable to walk in a straight line but somehow I manage to get Athaliah from her crib and into her highchair. I feed her and then as I feed myself I let her cry. Then, I put her on the ground and take refuge on the couch while Athaliah whines and complains because I am not playing with her or taking interest in her mischief. I do this for as long as I can until THANK GOD! Three hours later it's finally nap time for Athaliah. She is cranky and rubbing her eyes. I immediately get her bottle ready and put her back in her crib and tell her I'll see her in a couple hours. Then I run to bed, get cozy, pray that Athaliah sleeps for like, three hours today, start to fall asleep...then realize I have to pee. Okay go pee and crawl back into bed and fall asleep. When I am jerked awake two hours later by Athaliah screaming, I get up, feed her lunch, put her back down and again, lie on the couch. I do this until Damien gets home and then I go to the bed. This is my everyday routine. I hate it. I WANT to play with Athaliah and take her for a walk or to the park on nice days. But I just can't. Everything is exaggerated for me because I am terrified of puking. When I was pregnant with Athaliah I was pretty miserable being in bed all day. Now I wish I had the option of being in bed because I can't unless Damien is home. I also have two jobs. I work as a photographer for Prairie Winds Photography and I DID have a contract for February but if I am this sick next month there is no way I can do it. And then there is my other job as a Financial Advisor for World Financial Group. I love both my jobs but I am sad that I can't even make it to either of them.
I also have a cold right now. My nose is completely stuffed and it has been this way for a week now. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I can't smell ANYTHING. That's great but I also can't taste anything...which came in handy yesterday because I made bacon but it was badly burnt. I ate it and I couldn't taste the charcoal. So it has it's moments. The only thing that bothers me is not being able to breathe in general especially at night when I want to sleep.
Oh yeah, and Damien thinks I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I am SO tired. All the time. Even before I was pregnant with Athaliah I was always tired. And now that I am pregnant with a one year old running around at the same time, I am even more tired than I ever was. This actually makes my nausea worse. If I had more energy I am sure I could handle the queasiness a lot better.
I am trying to stay positive through this but at the moment, it's hard. My hormones are erratic and my emtions are crazy. I can do it though. I am not dealing with the same things I was when I was pregnant with Athaliah. I still have anxiety but it's managable. I am not afraid like I was. I know when I absolutely need to lie down and I know when I can handle getting up and doing something productive. Last time, everything was terrible and I could never get out of bed.
I'm going to get through this again. I know this time that it will be okay. That the bad stuff wont last and I'll be happier when I have something to show for my trouble. Even though I have been feeling off for the past few days, I have no choice but to trust that God has me in his hands. I don't know if it's real, but my instints tell me there may be something wrong with the baby. I have been trying to get a hold my doctor but it hasn't happened yet. Until Monday I am just going to hold on and wait it out. That's all.
Oh yeah, and I hate my birds. I want to get rid of them. They annoy me to no end. I feel like I am going to rip my hair out if they poop on my couch one more time.
I also have a cold right now. My nose is completely stuffed and it has been this way for a week now. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I can't smell ANYTHING. That's great but I also can't taste anything...which came in handy yesterday because I made bacon but it was badly burnt. I ate it and I couldn't taste the charcoal. So it has it's moments. The only thing that bothers me is not being able to breathe in general especially at night when I want to sleep.
Oh yeah, and Damien thinks I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I am SO tired. All the time. Even before I was pregnant with Athaliah I was always tired. And now that I am pregnant with a one year old running around at the same time, I am even more tired than I ever was. This actually makes my nausea worse. If I had more energy I am sure I could handle the queasiness a lot better.
I am trying to stay positive through this but at the moment, it's hard. My hormones are erratic and my emtions are crazy. I can do it though. I am not dealing with the same things I was when I was pregnant with Athaliah. I still have anxiety but it's managable. I am not afraid like I was. I know when I absolutely need to lie down and I know when I can handle getting up and doing something productive. Last time, everything was terrible and I could never get out of bed.
I'm going to get through this again. I know this time that it will be okay. That the bad stuff wont last and I'll be happier when I have something to show for my trouble. Even though I have been feeling off for the past few days, I have no choice but to trust that God has me in his hands. I don't know if it's real, but my instints tell me there may be something wrong with the baby. I have been trying to get a hold my doctor but it hasn't happened yet. Until Monday I am just going to hold on and wait it out. That's all.
Oh yeah, and I hate my birds. I want to get rid of them. They annoy me to no end. I feel like I am going to rip my hair out if they poop on my couch one more time.
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