The Boogieman or something like it

I'm not going to fool around tonight. I'm just going to get to the point. I know what I need to do be doing; I'm on the way there, but I'd like to share my night time terror with you. I am not sleeping at the moment (obviously) because I am scared.

Most of you who read my blog know that my sister and I are estranged. The details are unimportant but the events surrounding this seperation have deeply wounded me and unfortunately have also traumatized me. I've been told recently by a counsellor friend that I most likely have "Post traumatic Stress Disorder". The definition is: "A normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma (a painful, shocking, experience such as rape, war, natural disaster) that is outside of a person's normal life experiences." The common symptoms include:
-Anxiety (check)
-Insomnia (check)
-Irritability
-Feeling numb (I was there at the beginning of my trauma)
-Survivor guilt (or just...guilt? Check)
-Nightmares/Night terrors (HUGE CHECK AND TONIGHT'S TOPIC)
-Restlessness
-Fear that "something bad will happen" (Check and also related to night terrors)
-Avoiding anything that reminds the person of the incident
-Recurrent memories/Flashbacks of the trauma (CHECK)
-Difficulty concentrating or focusing
-Feeling "on guard" all the time (Check)
-Lack of interest in friends and/or family
-Jumpiness - especially around loud or sudden noises
-Suicidal Thoughts (WAS there...not there anymore thank GOD)
-Blames themselves (Check...but I am working on it)
-May suffer from Depression (Check...but that's being dealt with)
-Feeling as though they are "going crazy" (Check, and also related to night terrors)
-Difficulty sleeping (YA' THINK?!?!?)

Post traumatic Stress Disorder also comes in stages and it is said that the person suffering from it can revert or go forward many times.
-Denial that the incident had any effect on their lives.
-Fear it will happen again (for me it did...so...double whammy)
-Feel sad because of a loss of their ability to trust in people, or places. (Sad would be an understatement)
-Anger at what happened (That's where I am at right now...)
-Anxiety over the nightmares or flashbacks that may intrude on the life of the person.
-Feel as if a part of themselves died during the traumatic event. ("Died" is also an understatement).

So now you know a bit about where I am coming from when I write from my inner emotions and fear. ONE of my biggest struggles is that I am having what you would call a "Night Terror", which is different from a Nightmare in that a night terror happens when you are in Deep sleep and you are awoken to the event and a nightmare, like all other dreams, happen during REM sleep when it's easiest to be woken up. You get your rejuvinating rest when you are in Deep sleep. So you can imagine why the nights I DO experience a Night terror, are the nights I don't get much proper rest.
This is how it's been going, not since the Trauma itself happened, but when the fallout with my sister took place. Odd huh? Up until I dealt with my sister, I was in complete denial and only when I started talking about what happened, did I begin to go through these different stages and feel things I didn't feel before.
So a typical night where I have these horrible experiences begins with me (obviously) going to sleep at night. From my perspective, I "wake-up" and see a completely black shadow...or sillouette of a man standing at the foot of the bed on MY side holding a knife in the air ready to drive it into my body and kill me. I usually scream, grab my blankets and cover my face and cry out for Damien like my life depends on it. And usually in my mind, it does. When Damien wakes up to see what is wrong I fully wake-up and realize there is NOTHING THERE. I see that there is no danger and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I immedietly go back to sleep as though Damien is the crazy one. Other nights I wake up thinking that Damien is about to fall off the bed so I will frantically grab at him and try to save him when the whole time he is innocently sleeping next to me without a clue as to WHY I am clawing at his poor body!! This also happened when the kids were REALLY small babies. Sometimes I would put them to sleep in the middle of our bed and in the middle of the night I'd think that they were on the edge of Damien's side of the bed when either they are in the middle sound asleep or in their own bed.
I used to only get them a couple times a month, these night terrors. But recently since the anniversary of me "losing" my sister is upon me, I've been getting them about 3 times a week. That's 3 times a week I am losing some serious deep sleep.
From the outside person, to see me have a night terror, it would probably look just like it does in the movies. I sit bolt upright, probably with my eyes closed, scream, grab my blankets and hide, wake myself up from the screaming and immedietly fall back asleep. All within less than a minute and MAYBE in less than 30 seconds. I imagine it would look pretty funny actually...but it scares the junk out of me.
I have nightmares and flashbacks but they don't seem as real to me as night terrors do. When I wake up from a nightmare, I KNOW it was just a dream. When I have a flashback, I KNOW I will come out of it eventually, but for some reason when I have a night terror, I fully believe that what is happening to me is real and I have no concept during those few seconds where I think I will "come out of it". I guess that's what makes it so scary. I avoid sleep because a part of me is scared that I am seeing a Demon at the foot of my bed. That possibility is enough to make me not want to sleep.
I think the root has to do with control. I hate going into an unconcious state knowing that I can't CONTROL whether I wake up and see anything or have a great night's sleep. I hate that I can't control my emotions or control screams from escaping me when I am not even fully awake. I hate that I couldn't control what happened to me...or that I THINK I COULD have controled it or changed it and didn't. Yup...that's it. (sorry, I'm having an emotional epiphany here). I am also so incredibly angry. I am SO ANGRY. I am constantly burning with anger. And I get even more angry when I have no outlet. It saddens me when I end up exploding and the kids get hit with the shrapnel from my emotions. I have yet to deal with this aspect of my pain because I've been denying it's source for so long. I plan to deal with this via a Trauma Counsellor.
I also mentioned that "'Died' in an understatement". I can't emphasize how true this is. I was completely shattered. My spirit was ripped, my heart was ripped, my whole body, inside and out was ripped to bits...at least that's how it felt. I never felt that what happened to me would never affect me ever...I knew right away that my entire life would never be the same. It's obvious that I haven't healed. I've come a long way but I also know I have a long way to go. I felt so completely worthless that death, at the time, was welcomed. I wanted nothing more than to be offed somehow. I didn't want to pick up any pieces, I just wanted to die. I don't want to die anymore but I feel so angry that I am the one left to do the work of putting myself back together. I KNOW I have Jesus and he is helping me so much. I wouldn't be here without him. I just feel the weight of the work I have to do to keep myself from really going insane. It appalls me that what happened to me, happens to so many. We're all so completely broken and wandering through our lives just WAITING for the pain to stop. The only hope I have is in knowing Jesus, and knowing that one day it will. It just sucks that it has to take so long. My wounds haven't even scarred over yet. They still gush blood with every nightmare, flashback, memory and night terror. I know worse things have happened to people...but...some things are more emotionally destructive and others are more physically. I feel as though I am being held together by masking tape. It's not strong like stitches or actual skin growing over the wound.

Oh man you guys I am a complete mess. It's too deep to even continue talking further. I'm just going to end up going in circles. The truth and my hope, is just Jesus. He is slowly walking me through the pain and helping me come out the other side. He is dealing with my mess and giving me everything I need whether I think I need it or not. He is the one faithful one through the entire thing. He was there before, during and after...and he is still here. He hasn't run away and for that...I would gladly give my life for him.

With that hope in me I am going to try and attempt to sleep and not wake up to anything terrifying (unless it's an angel...that may be cool once I change my underwear).
Goodnight my friends.
-Erin