I Understand Now

I went to see my Grandma last night. I hadn’t seen her since before I left for Montreal in November. It was really hard for me. I tried to hide my tears 90% of the time. I know that everybody gets old and everyone degenerates as their physical body begins to prepare your spirit for what’s next, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see the ones you love get old. I don’t think it would be this difficult if my Grandma still had her wits about her. Grandma has spent the better part of the last two years in different wards of The Rockyview Hospital due to constantly breaking different major bones in her body and now she finds herself in the Bethany Care Center. Last night she was tired and couldn’t put even two words together that made sense. About a year and a half ago Grandma could still remember everything and she was still quite stubborn and very opinionated. She also had some meat on her. Last night I saw a frail, very thin, quiet woman who looked as though a mouse could demand something of her and she’d do it. It made my heart break to see her so confused.
Damien and I had both the kids with us and if anyone knows what happens when a baby enters a home with old women in it, you should know what happened next. We had our own little nice group of old women who used the kids as an excuse to have a conversation with anyone other than their fellow residents and the nurses. We didn’t mind. We knew they were bored and lonely. As much as I enjoyed their company, I couldn’t get over the fact that my Grandma was sitting there with a blank expression on her face. She had no clue what was going on around her. She tried to join in but ended up saying something that made no sense whatsoever. At one point we were asked how much Endon weighed when he was born and I decided to ask Grandma how much my Dad weighed when HE was born. She thought I was talking about Grandpa and instead of answering the question, told me how much she loved him with her whole heart and that she misses him terribly. I left it at that.
One thing I am happy she remembers is Jesus and her husband, my Grandpa, Jake. Her whole memory has taken a hike but the two things that matter most to her is her Jesus and Jake; the other love of her life; she can still remember with much clarity. She was even able to recite a small poem about how Jesus takes care of her.
On the ride home Damien asked what it was about the whole thing that bothered me the most and you know, I have to say it’s seeing how all her memories and the relationship we had between each other have been lost.

When I was young, I honestly wasn’t that fond of my Grandma. She was always considered the mean one because she seemed to have an opinion on absolutely everything. But then when Damien and I first got married, Grandma and I started talking on the phone almost every day. When things went very bad with my sister, my Grandma, along with Damien and others, were the ones who supported me through everything. Proverbs says it’s important to gain as much wisdom from your elders as you can. I take this seriously. I started listening to my Grandma’s stories and seeing the lessons behind them and we both grew to love the relationship we had with each other. So when I see her in the state she was in last night it hurts because it seems that I am the only one who remembers what we had.
The encouraging thing is that I think her spirit knows and still remembers everything. Even if she doesn’t recognize my face, or calls Athaliah a boy and Endon a girl, I know her spirit loves me and my kids.

Before we left for the night, I knelt down in front of Grandma’s wheelchair and told her how much I loved her and missed her. I started crying and I apologized for not visiting her more often. She looked at me in a moment of complete clarity and said to me, “its okay. You have work to do at home. And one day we’ll have forever to talk and visit.” She said this to me as she wiped the tears off of my cheeks. This only made me cry more but then when I lay in bed last night I thought about it and realized she is right. She may not be able to remember those of us still stuck in reality but her spirit does and after a temporary time away from each other, we will be reunited in heaven where we can spend eternity catching up. I felt better and was able to fall asleep but again, it’s still hard to see the ones you love preparing themselves for eternal life. We don’t understand because we are still focused here. It seems that Grandma is just waiting for the transfer papers to come through so she can see her beloved Jesus and Jake. In some ways it’s easier to get through knowing that her mind is focusing more and more on the next life, but I am not close to doing that so my heart still breaks. Once she is gone I am left with no other grandparents to gain wisdom from. Damien suggested I visit my Grandma more often and then get to know the other women and adopt them as my next Grandma. I just might.

And so I leave you with the thoughts of life and not death. It continues whether we believe in Jesus or not. I personally have a deep relationship with Jesus and so when Grandma shares her longing to be with him, that is one thing I can fully understand.